


Dangan Ronpa: Spite and Misery

by MeltedSherbert



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Angst?, Comedy, Crack, F/F, Fan Dangan Ronpa, Fangan, Fangan Ronpa, Gun Violence, Mild Gore, Multi, Parody, Piss, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, piss drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltedSherbert/pseuds/MeltedSherbert
Summary: It's an all new Fangan Crackfic! Join our Protagonist, Ryou Kanekawa the Ultimate Piss Drinker, as he wakes up in an airport and meets a load of other kids with stupid talents and overused character cliches spread throughout the canonical series! What weird shit happens there? Who knows!Main Writer - MeltedSherbertCo-Writer - femslashfataleThis work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.





	1. DRSM Prologue - Did you say the boy drinks piss? Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: hey uhhhh if this chapter looks a lot cleaner to you since the last time you saw it its because i cleaned it up a little by removing over 200 of those blank enter spacces
> 
> so nice
> 
> enjoy my crackfic, maybe drink a monster before you do. you're gonna need it

_Talents. Everybody has them, and they’re all special in their own right._

_When I talk about talents, I don’t mean your 5th grade daughter being able to draw anime at that age, I mean your 5th grade daughter being able to create a renaissance painting-esque drawing in art class using only crayons. Talents isn’t just some noun, it’s a phenomenon happening in our world right as we speak. People who have those talents are called “Ultimates.”_

_Sometimes, the talents may come in different forms, forms we wouldn’t even expect. Someone could be the Ultimate Mime, or the Ultimate Seat Cushion Maker. Someone could even be the Ultimate Staring Contest champion._

_My name is Ryou Kanekawa. I am the Ultimate Piss Drinker. I wear a tacky T Shirt I got at a swap meet with some blue jeans. I dyed my hair yellow because I love me the taste and smell of piss. The raw powerful stench it gives off is enough to get me chugging a 2 liter bottle of my own piss. I often ask people to use me as the replacements for their toilet when their water is shut off. My Kink is Omorashi. My Main in Ensemble Barricade 46 is the Sniper. I can piss 6 feet into the air and catch all of it with my mouth. It earned me a free car at Big Bill Hell’s, which is really nice._

_What’s even nicer, is that this talent alone was able to get me into Hope’s Peak Academy, A school specifically for Ultimates. Nevermind the fact that it’s really fucked up that the Ultimates get all these cool privileges and private classes while the normal humans have to go to the lesser reserve course, The school recognized my talent and accepted me in!_

**Kanekawa:** “I get to go to the best school Japan has to offer! Nevermind the fact that I’ve heard rumors about people dying or children having attempted suicide! Once I step through those doors, I am going to be a student here, maybe even a prodigy! People all over the world will recognize my peeing abilities! Maybe I’ll even be chosen by the-”

_I was about to monologue to myself about how amazing it must be to get in, When suddenly, Things started to blur. I don’t know how it happened. My view started merging colors and perspectives, I was oddly sweaty, and I was starting to fall to my knees._

**Kanekawa:** “W-What?! Oh no… Do I have a UTI again?”

_I blurred out, and then silence. Darkness. The Lack of light. No sound, No feeling, Nothing. I couldn’t see anything for two hours straight. How do I know it’s two hours? Because I awoke after that, and found myself in an odd location. Thank god I learned not to pee the bed._

**Kanekawa:** “...Hnng… Where… Am I…?”

_I’m… in a bedroom? Is this the nurse’s office? I was lying on a very comfy bed, which I’m guessing is a Queen Size. In the middle were a few shelves and a table, and the windows seems to be blocked. Somebody bolted metal plates to them. There were two doors, one of which was ajar and leading to a bathroom. The other, I have no idea. The room’s wallpaper seems to be colored a Goldenrod paint, my favorite. It must be very polite of them to find my unconscious body and place me somewhere safe. The room is thankfully air conditioned, but seriously could use some fresh air. Also some water, but not for Hydration, of course._

_Where is everybody?_

**Kanekawa:** “I suppose I’ll just have to wander through this door and- Woah!”

 **???:** “Hey, watch it buddy!”

_Oh! It’s a girl! She looks dapper. She’s fancily adjusting her gray coat and black tie. The Tie is tucked behind her black dress shirt, and she has a slightly disheveled fedora, with a Lilac colored Shingle Cut. Coupled with her dress pants and shoes, She would look uncannily resembling of a 1920s Film Noir if it weren’t for that Lilac Color…_

**???:** “Ah, You’re Kanekawa-san, correct? I’m Rai Rakku, The Ultimate Private Eye. A Freelancing Detective, in other words.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Rai? Isn’t that a Boy’s Name?”

 **???:** “Yes, and you’re the famous Ryou Kanekawa, who drinks piss for a living. Being a detective means I deal with cops all the time, pal! You don’t want to get on my bad side. You probably have dealt with Bad Cops, but you haven’t dealt with a bad detective.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Hardboiled as an egg, are we? How rude.”

 **Rakku:** “Can you come with me? I need someone to help me figure out what’s going on and where we are, see? Judging by my recent experience, I assume you stepped past the doorway to Hope’s Peak, blacked out, and suddenly awoke two hours later in some random room.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Ma’am, that’s oddly perceptive of you! You must really be the Ultimate Private Detective!”

 **Rakku:** “Uh huh, Yeah sure. Look, Sir, I had a meeting in this school that I needed to attend to and I’m not ready to deal with this. Also, call me Rakku-san. Ma’am makes me sound older than I have to be.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, I’m so sorry! Let us be on our way then, Rakku-San?”

 **Rakku:** “Ugh, We’ve talked for a minute and already I’d wish you’d dry up”

_We walked through the corridors of this, very odd area. This is a school, right? There were doors everywhere, each of them appeared to have a name and a drawing of someone on them. Are these the dorms? Not too long after, we eventually came across an elevator door, with the up arrow light on, and a girl standing there, impatiently._

_The Girl is best described as slim. No, scratch that, She’s best described as borderline scrawny. Yet somehow, she makes it work with her schoolgirl uniform combined with the mini skirt that just barely gets past her thighs. She has long, straight cut, mahogany red hair and straight bangs. All of that topped off with some loose socks._

**Kogyaru-ish girl:** “Huh? Oh, It’s just some losers, that’s all.”

_What a raspy voice..._

**Kanekawa:** “Ah, I see you have some attitude to spare too.”

 **Rakku** : “...The girl sure does, doesn’t she?”

 **Kogyaru-ish girl:** “Hey, So. My name’s-”

_*Ding*_

_The sliding doors opened, and what greeted us… was a, very polite looking bellboy. A young looking fellow, with short brown hair, and the full hotel employee outfit, with the hat, gloves, and all._

**Bellboy:** “Ah, Hello! What floor would you like me to-”

 **Kogyaru-ish Girl:** “Yeah, Yeah, just take us to the same floor as anyone else who came through here, jackass. Does it look like I know the place?”

 **Bellboy:** “Certainly.”

_The door closed, and as we waited for the elevator to rise, the Bellboy introduced himself._

**Bellboy:** “I am Yuuro Sairento. As you can see, I am the Ultimate Lift Attendant. I hope this short elevator ride was comforting.”

 **Rakku:** “Lift Attendant? Is that literally your talent? You press buttons on the lemon squeezer for people? This job isn’t even necessary right now, pal. There’s literally 2 floors in this building right now.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Well I, for one, find it quite nice. Shame it’s so short.”

 **Sairento:** “Why thank yo-”

 **Kogyaru-ish Girl:** “Yeah, uh, that’s lame, pal. I’m Letto Yoshi, the Ultimate Russian Roulette Player.”

 **Rakku:** “R-Russian Roulette?! Hey pal! I’m a freelancing detective, and-”

 **Yoshi:** “Freelance THIS!”

_All of a sudden, she’s pulling out a gun!_

**Kanekawa:** “G-Great Rivers!”

 **Rakku:** “She’s packing heat!”

_She suddenly put the gun to her head, and pulled the trigger! It clicked… Not much sound. She survives._

**Rakku:** “Christ…”

 **Kanekawa:** “Whew, Lady. You gave us quite a shock there.”

 **Yoshi:** “Oh, Don’t worry about it fuzz. The chamber’s filled with a blank.”

 **Rakku:** “R-Right. Well-Wait, that can still kill-”

_Yoshi starts pulling the trigger four more times._

**Rakku:** “You crazy dame, stop!”

 **Kanekawa:** “I would have peed my pants right now if it weren’t for my perfect control over my bla-”

 **Rakku:** “Okay, Now I’m just weirded out.”

_Yoshi shoots the gun’s last chamber at the elevator ceiling, and sure enough, it turns out to be a blank. So scary…_

**Rakku:** “You’re... really quite something, huh...?”

 **Sairento:** “Ahem. The door’s been open for 30 seconds now.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Ah. Thank you. Sorry about that, my fellow classmate.”

 **Sairento:** “Oh, Don’t worry about it. The elevator ride won’t be the only thing that’ll be over before you know it… Heh... “

 **Rakku:** “....Uh. Are we just gonna ignore tha-”

 **???:** “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! You just survived 5 empty revolver chambers!”

_All of us were walking out of the elevator, and as we’re a few feet out, we see a young man about our age, decked out in a white suit and light blue undershirt. He has a nearly shaved head and seems to have a huge bag filled with what I presume to be avocados._

**Rakku:** “Wait, Why the Avocados, buddy?”

 **Yoshi:** “Pretty fucking smooth, isn’t it? What about you buster, what’s your story?”

 **Rich looking man:** “Well, I am Locke Fellboomers, The Ultimate Avocado Collector!”

 **Rakku:** “What.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, The Famous Avocado Collector! Who single handedly saved the economy from millennials!”

 **Rakku** : “...Oh. So it’s that kind of fic, isn’t it?”

 **Fellboomers:** “Well, I do believe I am deserving of some praise here.”

_Sairento starts clapping._

**Rakku:** ”Don’t encourage him.”

 **Fellboomers:** “So. You attending Hope’s Peak too?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Yes!”

 **Rakku** : “Aren’t you a millennial, too?”

 **Fellboomers:** “Sacrifices are needed to save the world.”

 **Rakku:** “Uh huh.”

 **???:** “Uh… Excuse me?”

_All five of us turned our heads to a particularly cutesy, but quiet voice. We see a short and petite girl, with thick golden brown hair fluffier than bread, a sky blue flannel shirt, some skinny jeans and a pink apron. She seems a little nervous. Fidgety, even._

**???:** “Uh… Sorry to bother you. I’m Touinki Maekaa. Do you, uh...”

 **Kanekawa:** “Wait, Ma’am, you didn’t tell us your talent.”

 **Maekaa** : “H-Huh?”

 **Yoshi:** “What’s your specialty, pretty girl? People usually follow up with that, so it’s throwing us off guard.”

 **Maekaa:** “I-I, uh… Can I just...”

 **Sairento:** “I would advise you listen to a girl with a gun.”

 **Maekaa:** “A-Ah?! L-Look, it’s… I’m the Ultimate Sponge Cake Baker...”

 **Fellboomers:** “...So all you can make is sponge cakes?”

 **Maekaa:** “I-I’M SORRY! IT’S ALL I KNOW HOW TO MAKE! WAAAAH!!!”

_Maekaa started bawling huge tears..._

**Kanekawa:** “W-Whoa!”

 **Rakku:** “Oh look what you’ve done, you went ahead and made the little bird cry.”

_Rakku started to wipe her tears and console her a little bit._

**Rakku:** “Alright Toots, Don’t worry. What were you going to ask us?”

 **Maekaa:** *Sniff* “I-I just wanted to know where we are… Are we in an airport…?”

 **Rakku:** “Wait, what’s your beeswax here, pal? Aren’t we in a… Holy dead hoofer in a creep joint!”

_As we all heard it, we started to look around us. Sure enough, it was an airport. The Lobby area, to be specific. It’s the area where people walk in after they get dropped off by taxis. The flightboard is off, the receptions and weights for luggages are empty, and those stands connected by thick strings aren’t even there to create lines. Just like the windows in the bedroom, the doors were blocked off by metal plates bolted to them. The whole area is completely abandoned, except for the six of us standing in the middle of it all. We may have been wearing shoes, but something about the atmosphere could just tell you that the floor was cold. Maybe it was the air conditioning._

**Yoshi:** “Yeah… Where the hell are we?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Hm. I think it’s best if we explored this empty airport together.”

 **Yoshi:** “Yeah, Look I wanna be with you as much as the next guy, but I think it’d be best if we split up and looked around.”

 **Rakku:** “Wait, but wouldn’t putting all of us together ensure our safety rather than splitting up and risking getting divided and conquered?”

 **Yoshi:** “Yeah, Yeah, Well I just don’t wanna be anywhere near that piss drinking weirdo.”

 **Rakku:** “That’s fair.”

_Why do I get that a lot? I’m just a simple man who likes the taste of pee. While pondering that, Maekaa seems to look a little frightened and is begging Rakku about something._

**Maekaa:** “W-Wait! I don’t wanna be with these scary people, either!”

 **Fellboomers:** “Oh, I’m sure you can trust me, a rich white conservative with this tiny japanese woman!”

 **Sairento:** “And you can trust me, too. A simple lift attendant… Yes... That’s all I am…”

_Fellboomers, Sairento, and Yoshi all looked at each other collectively, smiling and worrying Maekaa even further. I’m sure she’ll be fine, being all alone with these people._

**Kanekawa:** “Come on Rakku-san, Let’s leave these fine couple alone and explore more of this place! I hope there’s a bathroom in here!”

 **Rakku:** “Only a mustard plaster like you could say that last sentence and give off extremely disturbing implications, pal.”

_While I was ignoring Rakku and thinking about how refreshing it would be to have some fried piss right about now, we started to explore a bit more. We were able to get past the security area due to the probably discernable lack of guards, and were able to easily bypass the metal detection. We eventually came across the area with all the fast food restaurants and other miscellaneous shops. There also appeared to be an entrance to the airplane docking, but it appeared to be blocked off by some metal bars. There were a ton of restaurants like Chips and Pot, Smuggly’s, etc. We decided to go to Pullin’ Out Burger. It’s called that because they accept you pulling out any ingredients you don’t like in their burgers! Also because there was a sex scandal involving the lack of a condom once._

_We came across a trio of quite peculiar men, sitting down and eating some burgers. One of them was a very muscular and well built man. He’s wearing a hawaiian shirt, some khakis, a pair of sandals, and sporting a gray-brown pulled back ponytail. He’s also drinking a cola can through a straw. Another man had a brown undercut, some stubble, and overall looked like a man you’d see on those reality TV shows about finding the right relationship. The third man was very rugged, wearing a faded red letterman jacket and some gray torn jeans. He was wearing a football helmet, and he was missing his right arm._

**Undercut guy:** “Dude, I’m telling you! She was naked, out in the open, and her jugs were huge! I was there, and Leftside was there too man!”

 **Football Helmet guy:** “Geh.”

 **Muscular guy:** “I already said I believe you. That, and there’s like, two people who just walked in on you saying that.”

_The three men all turned to looked at us. The muscular man looks calm and unsurprised as he continues to drink his soda. The undercut dude does a really exaggerated astonished impression that almost looks self imposed. The football helmet guy slowly turns and looks a little angry, before calming down a bit. Still a little disgruntled._

**Kanekawa:** “Greetings! I’m Ryou Kanekawa, the Ultimate Piss Drinker! This is a recent acquaintance, Rai Rakku. You wouldn’t happen to have more of that soda, do you?”

 **Rakku:** “Why am I following you around, again?”

 **Undercut Guy:** “Well, dudes, I am Adrian Blum! I’m the Ultimate Bro, dawg! That means I can be your right hand man, and help the both of us get ALL the ladies at college parties.”

 **Muscular Guy:** “Me and Lefty gets all the ladies. You end up getting punched by some blonde hispanic onto the street and getting both of your hands run over by a truck because you slapped her ass.”

 **Adrian:** “That was one time, bro… Anyways man, the Football Helmet is Jack Tubsmen, the Ultimate Foosball Player. He prefers it if you be a bro and call him by his nickname, ‘Leftside.’ Alright, dude?”

 **Muscular Guy:** “It’s because he always takes the left side of the Foosball table.”

 **Leftside:** “Not Football. Foosball. Table game.

 **Kanekawa:** “I believe it must be hard to be the Ultimate Foosball Player if you only have one hand?”

 **Leftside:** “No. That’s just how good I am. Don’t ask.”

 **Muscular Guy:** “He’s kind of insecure about how he lost it.”

 **Rakku:** “Well, What about you, tough guy?”

 **Satoumi:** “I’m Shabonsu Satoumi, I’m the Ultimate Soda Drinker.”

_Rakku looks a little appalled._

**Rakku:** “....Excuse me, you bimbo? Soda Drinker? I’m a private detective, and I know when people are lying, buddy. Are you actually serious right now?”

 **Satoumi:** “Yes, That’s actually my talent.”

 **Rakku:** “...How.”

 **Satoumi:** “My Muscular Build allows me to intake a large amount of soda everyday, and my improved digestive system requires a lot more sugar to send me into a diabetic coma of some sort.”

 **Rakku:** “...I’m absolutely sure that is not how that works, pal.”

 **Satoumi:** *Slurp* “I can also drink 1,000 cans of soda a minute, and am known as the “Soda Drinker Pro.”

 **Kanekawa:** “So like, how often do you have to pee?”

 **Rakku:** “   “

 **Rakku:** “Alright, it has been copacetic with you sirs, and well-”

 **???:** “Hey, you guys! Never thought we’d be kidnapped and also find a bunch of WEIRDOS here!”

 **???:** “Ah, It’s those primitive lifeforms again...:”

 **???:** “Oh, is it time for a fight already? How passionately amazing.”

_What came waltzing into the burger joint were three young and eccentric girls. The rude one had long hair with tousled ends and thick and choppy bangs. She was wearing a pink tank top with baggy camo pants. She’s dyed her hair a slight purple, but hasn’t re-bleached her roots._

_The one who called the men “Primitive” was wearing a black cotton T Shirt with white sleeve cuffs. She had green stockings, and a black miniskirt with an equally green alien face pattern on it. Other notes of interest were her black boots, glasses, and short white hair with the backside pointing up. She appeared to be carrying around some sort of weird box on a stand, with a pole sticking out upwards._

_The one eager to fight was wearing a Japanese styled PE Uniform, with the shorts being an orange color, and a bandage on her nose. She had very short and butch curly hair, and appeared to be lugging around a metal pole on her back with a ball and string attached to it. That’s so odd, how does it stay on there? Perhaps she’s just that strong? She is muscular, although not as well built as Satoumi._

**Rude Girl:** “Alright, it’s time for the soundoff! I’m Hanako Momo! The Ultimate Computer Overclocker! Just like my CPUs, I push myself past my limitations to impress cute girls!!”

_Momo strikes an extremely shounen pose._

**Odd Girl:** “I’m Yuufo Uchukaze, the Ultimate Theremin Player from outer space… As an Alien, I’ve come from beyond the stars to abduct your earth girls and their hearts.”

_Uchukaze does a pose too, also putting out her hand and playing that, Theremin? Is that what she called it?_

**Sporty Girl:** “I’m Chikara Teza, the Ultimate Tetherball Player. If you’re gonna take a cute girl from me, I’ll duel you in a game of tetherball! Alright? Alright.”

_Teza, expectedly, struck a pose, and used her Tetherball pole like a fighting staff for style._

**Momo, Uchukaze, and Teza collectively:** “And we’re here to stop you from taking our cute girls, you weirdo men!”

 **Satoumi:** “Did you seriously spend your freetime rehearsing that whole thing?”

_Adrian stands up and slams the table._

**Adrian:** “YOU LESBIANS ARE HERE TOO?! You’re not gonna steal our opportunity to get some mad puss! We already have a target you haven’t even met yet!”

 **Leftside:** “Raah!!!”

_Momo laughs with her hands on her hips._

**Momo:** “Yeah, As if? While you losers were talking about some naked girl, we were chatting it up with some cutie in an oversized sweater!”

 **Uchukaze:** “I’m an alien who searches the stars for these kinds of things… And the chances of finding a girl as cute as her is 0.567%”

 **Teza:** “She’s much cuter than whoever you seem to be speaking of. What do you got that we haven’t? Nothing, that’s what. Yeah? Yeah.”

_Adrian slowly puts his arms on the table with his head down. He looks very distressed..._

**Adrian:** “Damn, dude… A Naked girl is cool, but a girl in an oversized sweater is a keeper!”

 **Satoumi:** “I seriously think you guys take this stuff too seriously sometimes.”

 **Leftside:** “FIGHT ME IN FOOSBALL!”

 **Teza:** “Tetherball this time, Lefty! You’ve got one hand, and I’m sure it’s strong enough to hit a ball that big if you hit balls real small like yours. Mhm?”

_Leftside visually seems to be attempting to hold back anger. He crinkles up the burger he was just eating and gains a twitching eye._

**Momo:** “Ooooooh snap! Burn!”

 **Teza:** “Mhm.”

 **Adrian:** “That’s it, man! No dude gets to insult my bro like that! Take this!”

 **Satoumi:** “Do we have to fight right now? I wanna finish my sod-AUGH, MY FACE!.”

 **Uchukaze:** “Just go along with it, earthling….. As I’ve told other humans before, Talk to the Theremin.”

_Suddenly, the encounter between the 6 turned into a scuffle, people hitting each other with their fists and chairs, using their instruments and drinks. Uchukaze’s playing her theremin and it’s freaking out Adrian. Teza is using what she calls her patented tetherball technique. Leftside pulled a Foosball table from somewhere. Momo appears to be pulling out a screwdriver and a small vial of liquid nitrogen, while Satoumi tries to take them away from her due to its lethality. What a fight this is!_

**Kanekawa:** “Well, this is certainly a scene, isn’t it Rakku-San?”

 **Kanekawa:** “...Rakku-San? Where did you run off to now?”

_I noticed Rakku went behind the counter, yelling and showing her badge at a girl in an turquoise oversized sweater, with a turtleneck. It’s oversized enough that the sleeves are puffy and covers her hands. She has stockings, and wavy blonde hair that goes halfway at her back. She appears to be wearing denim shorts and a fanny pack. Is that who those girls were talking about?_

**Rakku:** “Look, pal! I’m a freelance detective, see? This is my badge, and I just saw you digging through the cashier! This place may be locked down, but I won’t allow you to commit thievery!”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “Wait, Freelance Detective? Doesn’t that mean you have to be hired by someone to arrest me?”

 **Rakku:** “What? That’s not how it works at all, you crazy bird!”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “Isn’t it?”

 **Rakku:** “No!”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “Cool! Did you know the Australian Military once wagered a war against flightless birds known as Emus?”

 **Rakku:** “I… Wait, really? I didn’t know that, pal…”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “Cool! Now I’ll just-”

_While the turtleneck girl is slowly walking out, I decided to politely walk up to her and try to introduce myself. I like friends as much as I love piss!_

**Kanekawa:** “Hello!”

 **Turtleneck Girl:** “O-Oh. Uh, Hi the-”

 **Rakku:** “HEY, DON’T TRY TO GET AWAY FROM ME, PAL!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Now Now, Rakku-San! I’m sure this girl is nice! I’m Ryou Kanekawa, the Ultimate Piss Drinker. Who might you be, Miss?”

 **Shiiva:** “W-Well... If you must know, I am Kouinsu Shiiva. I’m the Ultimate Numismatist! I study currency and collect coins, ancient and modern!”

 **Rakku:** “Uh Huh, Collect coins as in you steal right from the cashier while everybody’s distracted! That the best you got for an excuse?! What’re you trying to pull here, you lousy criminal?!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Numismatist sounds like a cool talent!”

 **Rakku:** “Oh yeah? Sound like a made up word to me, see? After hearing some bullshit like Soda Drinking and Avocado Collector, I have reason to doubt you ya putzsnatcher!”

 **Shiiva:** “Yes, well I don’t know if you noticed, but this fanny pack is filled with coins of every kind! American, Yen, Euro, Currency used by the Romans, I got tons of them. Did you know penguins have knees underneath all of that fat?”

 **Rakku:** “I… H-Huh?! Don’t try to confuse me with admittedly interesting facts, pal! I-”

 **Shiiva:** “Oh, look! That’s an individual over there! Go say hi to them!”

 **Rakku:** “Hey! What in the blazes-?!”

_Rakku started to give chase as Shiiva started power walking past our friends, who were still fighting. In fact, one of them might be bleeding now. I would’ve tried to stop the fight by now if it weren’t for the fact that all the girls took down a 7 foot well built sodaholic._

_While that was happening, I decided to go to the to the nearby store, the FrequencyShack, so that I can pay the person Shiiva was pointing at inside and talking about a visit. They had messy indigo hair, Cola bottle bottom glasses, a navy blue hoodie, and some pajama pants. They might’ve also had sneakers, but I was more interested in what they had to say._

**Kanekawa:** “Hey there! You’re quite the looker, what happens to be your name?”

_Their voice and way of speaking was fast and intellectual, but that wasn’t much of a problem._

**Hoodie Person:** “Hmm, you don’t know my name? That’s very curious considering I’m very well known by people of your age demographic. Perhaps you’re not much of a moviegoer.”

_They’re right! I don’t watch a lot of movies! Everytime I go to the theater, I drink so much soda that I spend the whole time trying to drink myself instead._

**Sutori:** “Nevertheless, I shall tell you. I am the Ultimate Bad Movie Creator, Furui Sutori. I make bad movies, the type people would see simply because they are so terribly directed and produced that they’re comedic and novelty in value. It’s extremely hard to recreate this type of film on purpose, so I’m considered a god among these films for being able to make them from scratch.”

 **Sutori:** “I’m just as confused and bewildered about this whole situation as anyone else, and I’m too concerned about my own problems to really care about it right now. Now that I’ve told you my name, It’s only polite that you tell me yours. You don’t seem like the type to give back your name to people right after they introduce yourself, so I ask of you to do so.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh! I’m Ryou Kanekawa, the Ultimate Piss Drinker! I-”

 **Sutori:** “Ahh, Kanekawa Ryou, the man who was able to survive 5 days in the Sahara Desert surviving on nothing but his own urine. People suspect you have radiation in your system, but I find that theory false due to how contrasting with everybody’s wishes, you haven’t died from poisoning yet. The only thing I’m confused about you is how you haven’t even heard about my film entitled “Piss 2: The Piss Now have Guns” which has made 100,000,000 in box office income.  I would have expected your tastes would lead you to it, but perhaps it’s just not your expertise.”

 **Kanekawa:** “You’re quite an interesting one, aren’t you?”

_As I was chatting with Sutori, the group we met earlier near the elevator came up and recognized me. They all awkwardly waved, except for Yoshi who immediately pointed at my chest with her gun._

**Yoshi** : “Bam! Gunshot!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Ahh! You got me there! Haha!”

 **Sutori:** “W-Woah! How shocking! The gun’s chamber was empty, but seeing as how you’re most likely the Ultimate Russian Roulette Player, I assume one of them is empty. Whether it’d be a blank or a real bullet, the results of what would happen on a ⅙ chance would be-”

 **Yoshi:** “Man, uh, you’re the type who doesn’t shut the fuck up, are you?”

_Sairento chuckles quietly._

**Sairento:** “Oh, As a Lift Attendant, I’m sure my calming elevator aura would be enough to calm them down. If that’s not enough, I have… Other means… Heh. Heh heh heh.”

 **Maekaa:** “Isn’t anyone, going to um, talk about that? He’s so scary...”

 **Fellboomers:** “Oh, I’m sure he’s fiiiiiiiine. Don’t worry about it! May I offer an avocado in these trying times?”

_Yoshi points her revolver at him and his avocado next. She doesn’t even have to look, she just looks deadpan._

**Yoshi:** “Can it, you old fuck.”

 **Fellboomers:** “I’m only a few years older than you…”

 **Rakku:** “Says…. Ha….. A lot about you…. Gehhh…. Since you’re still…. Hafff… in high school, pal…. Ghh…”

_Rakku walked up to the group out of breath, with Shiiva happily skipping right behind her._

**Rakku:** “I… Ha… haven’t ran… Huff…. that fast… Haah…. ever since I found that speakeasy… I need a drink….”

 **Kanekawa:** “Would you like some of my-”

 **Rakku:** “Beat it…. Ha…. Pal…”

 **Shiiva:** “Aren’t Speakeasies obsolete since alcohol is and have been legalized?”

_The six who’ve been fighting turned out to have stopped for a while, and have been standing around with the whole group. A few had some bandages, and a few have their limbs wrapped in medical gauze._

**Satoumi:** “I’m sure a few still exist, but they might be legal since they only exist for authenticity and nostalgia.”

_Adrian coughs up a little bit of blood._

**Adrian:** “Oh, Are you worried about how we’re bleeding? Don’t worry about it bro! Years of hardcore sex have given us mad stamina!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Sex isn’t a valid form of human bodybuilding...”

 **Momo:** “Even if it was, I bet you don’t even know what a labia is, you jerkface!”

 **Leftside:** “Grr.. Foosball…”

 **Teza:** “I still think Tetherball is the better sport.”

 **???:** “Hey there! Did you guys get kidnapped and woke up around here too?”

_Oh? While the groups were gathered, there appeared to be someone else. Was that a girl’s voice? She sounds laidback and nice._

**Kanekawa:** “Oh, is that another perso- O-Oh! Good Heavens!”

 **Rakku:** “Woa! Pal, what the fuck?!”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude! It’s her! The girl I was talking about!”

 **Maekaa:** “S-She’s… She’s….”

 **Yoshi:** “THE BITCH’S NAKED!”

_Just about everybody’s jaw dropped as we all noticed walking towards us, a brunette girl with wavy hair that dipped a little past her shoulders. Her eyes did this thing where it’s always closed, so she looked really relaxed. I was almost sure that only happened in anime, but that wasn’t the most shocking thing about her. She was, as Yoshi put it elegantly, nude. She had quite a curvy figure, and was really well endowed. She didn’t shave down there, but that somehow added to her charm. She appeared to be holding a household appliance in her hands._

_I’d like to drink her piss._

**Kusubishi:** “Hallo! I’m Effie Kusubishi! I’m the Ultimate Nudist. Before you ask, They’re Double D cup size, They’re all real, and I only do it with consent and a condom if needed.”

 **Adrian:** “Whoooo!”

 **Momo:** “Well… Aren’t you beautiful?”

 **Yoshi:** “Dammit! She’s mine!”

 **Fellboomers:** “You filthy sex crazed millennials are always like this!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Humans surprise me in the best way, sometimes….”

 **Kusubishi:** *Chuckles* “You’re all so eager, aren’t you? Don’t worry, it’s okay to stare! It’s a lifestyle, after all. If you want, I can also relieve you if you like. I’m cool with it! I have a lot of experience.  <3”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Kanekawa:** “What’s wrong, Rakku-san?”

 **Rakku:** “I’ve seen Avocado Hoarders. Soda Drinking Champions. Frat House Stereotypes. Num-Whatevers. URINE DIGESTING. And now you’re telling me there’s an Ultimate Nudist?!”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh, Don’t worry about it! Nudity is only inherently sexual if you let it.”

 **Rakku:** “Y-Yeah, pal… Sure… Fucking crazy ladies everywhere...”

 **Kusubishi:** “Are you perhaps jealous? Or did I accidentally sexually frustrate you? I’m sorry if that happens! I can’t seem to help it.”

 **Rakku:** “Buddy, I am… uh. Seventy Four Percent sure that’s not what I’m feeling.”

 **Kusubishi:** “So you admit it?”

 **Rakku:** “N-No, pal!”

 **Kusubishi:** *Giggling* “No worries!  <3”

_While Kusubishi was lowkey flirting with Rakku, Sutori took interest in what the nudist was holding. A few others have noticed too, and they’re all staring at her chest. Not that they weren’t already, it’s just that there’s something in front and a little below it._

**Sutori:** “Hm…? Wait a second… Kusubushi-sama, who’s that you’re holding?”

 **Rakku:** “ _...Who?!_ ”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hm? Oh, this? Oh yeah!”

_Kusubishi sets the appliance down. Everybody’s attention shifted from her objectified body to that, and suddenly everybody is more shocked than they already were. I wonder what the deal is with this weird box?_

**Fellboomers:** “?!”

 **Satoumi:** “No way.”

 **Maekaa:** “B-But how?!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Woah! It can’t be! That’s… that’s….”

_It can’t be! Kusubishi was just holding a microwave! But it wasn’t just any microwave, it was..._

**Sutori:** “The Ultimate Microwave, Panna Nikku. Height of 10 inches, Length of 20, and a width of 14. She’s a modern day model microwave, with stylish beige coloring in her combination of plastic and metal manufacturing. She has over 15 types of heating and reheating options, and is still working like she’s fresh out of the factory. There’s many microwaves out there, but you’d have to be a really good microwave to get accepted into Hope’s Peak.”

_Rakku sits down on a nearby bench and appears to be contemplating her life._

**Momo:** “Oh my gosh!!! I’m a huge fan! She’s not even a PC but I’m so gay for her! Kyaaah!”

 **Sutori:** “Hmm, Tell us, Nikku-Senpai. How do you do it so well?”

**Nikku:**

_Everybody collectively sounds very impressed, while Rakku looks like she’s trying to cope with the whole situation. This enthusiasm wasn’t held on for very long, however. What happened next was, quite possibly… the weirdest thing that’s happened to us all morning._

_There was a TV on the wall, which made sense considering this was an airport. But what showed up on it wasn’t a board of flights taking off, but a fuzzy image of someone- No, something sitting in a chair. It looked like some sort of animal._

**???:** “Mic check, Mic check! 1, 2! Testing, Testing! Now that all of you bastards are together, would you all mind if you walked out of the Airport Terminal and into the Lobby? The area you enter when you get out of the taxi cab. Also, Hurry it up, will you?! I don’t have all day for kids like you! Got it?!”

_The monitor shut off, and everybody standing around was suddenly worried and confused. Frightened and upset. Nobody knew what to do in the moment._

**Sairento:** “Ahh…. There we go. The Reveal.”

 **Maekaa:** “Ah.. Was that… Our kidnapper…?”

 **Shiiva:** “W-What is going o-on?!”

 **Momo:** “Huh? What the crap? Who was that? Why did they look like that?”

 **Yoshi:** “Gah! Is that our kidnapper?! Motherfucker, I’ll kill them!”

 **Fellboomers:** “Yeah! I’ll fucking choke that bastard!”

 **Leftside:** “Grrrr….”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude…. This ain’t cool, man…”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Hey, don’t panic, Nikku. It’ll be alright.”

_Sutori adjusts their glasses._

**Sutori:** “Hmmm, I wouldn’t be so sure if it’s that easy to get them. You do realize our situation, yes? There’s a lot of factors here that would imply there’s more to their power that we think.”

 **Uchukaze:** “What do you mean, fellow alien?”

 **Sutori:** “Pardon me? I’m not-”

_Rakku interrupts Sutori and gathers everyone’s attention. She’s assessing the situation._

**Rakku:** “No, Glasses is right, see? We were literally drugged and abducted, and we all woke up in an abandoned airport. The exits are shut, and whoever did this installed an elevator leading to a lower level complex of dorms. We don’t know why they did this, but if the perp had the budget and skills to do all of this, we may be mixed up in something more tangled than a haystack run through water. Best if we comply for now, pal.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Ahhh… I see what you mean…”

_Everybody stands around, silent for a little bit. Adrian decides to break the silence in the best way possible._

**Adrian:** “...So like, can I touch your boobs, dude?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Sure! Why not? Here, touch them~”

 **Adrian:** “Dude! Seriously?!”

 **Teza:** “Wait, just like that? Just like that. You’re joking.”

 **Maekaa:** “Um… Right here and now….?”

 **Shiiva:** “This is surprisingly not the weirdest thing I’ve seen!”

_Yoshi throws her gun on the ground and does a groping motion._

**Yoshi:** “Let me touch your rack so I can cope!”

 **Sairento:** “You touch girls breasts to cope with these things, Yoshi-San?”

 **Yoshi:** “Some people??? Fondle breasts??? To cope???”

**Nikku:**

**Momo:** “Wow, Never took you for the perverted type Nikku-Sama.”

_Rakku starts to pound the floor and seems very angry. Angry enough to have steam pouring out of her ears and send her fedora flying._

**Rakku:** “Fellas! We’re literally being abducted and toyed around with by a mastermind who somehow took over an entire airport and can do who knows what to us! Are you seriously gonna try do a reach around and get to a home run right now, pal?!”

_I was about to calm Rakku down, but then I happened to get distracted real quick._

**Kanekawa:** “Hey, guys, I gotta pee. Any of you got a plastic bottle or a cup?”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “Something tells me we’re gonna be here for a looong time….”

_After some negotiating and a delicious bathroom break, we all went past the security and baggage check, and back to the lobby. Still empty, with the same elevator. But this time, it was different. There was a stage pushed to the far back, and those stands that are connected by those strings were set up like we were at a theater. There were also foldable chairs. What’s going on? We all took a seat and waited… After what we saw, we knew things would never be the same for a class like us..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy frikkennn uhhhhh this is a crackfic mmkay
> 
> but like here's a list of characters and their talents and also ages and pronouns
> 
> Ryou Kanekawa - Ultimate Piss Drinker (Age 17, He/Him)
> 
> Rai Rakku - Ultimate Private Eye (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Yuuro Sairento - Ultimate Lift Attendant (Age 17, He/Him)
> 
> Touinki Maekaa - Ultimate Spongecake Baker (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Letto Yoshi - Ultimate Russian Roulette Player (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Adrian Blum - Ultimate Bro ( Age 18, He/Him)
> 
> Shabonsu Satoumi - Ultimate Soda Drinker (Age 18, He/Him)
> 
> Effie Kusubishi - Ultimate Nudist (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Panna Nikku - Ultimate Microwave (Age Microwave, She/Her)
> 
> Hanako Momo - Ultimate Computer Overclocker (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Yuufo Uchukaze - Ultimate Theremin Player (Age 16, She/Her)
> 
> Chikara Teza - Ultimate Tetherball Player (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Jack "Leftside" Tubsman - Ultimate Foosball Player (Age 18, He/Him)
> 
> Locke Fellboomers - Ultimate Avocado Collector (Age 21 and still in High school, He/Him)
> 
> Fuiru Sutori - Ultimate Bad Film Maker (Age 17, They/Them)
> 
> Kouinsu Shiiva - Ultimate Numismatist (Age 17, She/Her)


	2. DRSM Prologue - Did you say the boy drinks piss? Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Protagonist meets the dreaded and overused self-insert of Kodaka, Monokuma! How terrifying! But, something else seems to have happened during his entrance! What's going on here?!
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (EDIT: I added one set of dialogue to explain and give more emphasis on what the motive here is, so that's cool)
> 
> (EDIT2: Changed one line of dialogue for Yoshi during the scene where she picks up Rakku)

_All of us took a seat in that desolate airport lobby. After that announcement, we had no idea what to expect. Well, I didn’t. Sutori says we all might get killed, or even worse, be in one of those religious ceremonies you’d get invited to by some old people. They said they had to force people to come by kidnapping them ever since people found out you can just be gay and not go to hell. Sutori’s just sitting on a folding chair, waiting for the mastermind to come out. Rakku’s looking extremely lost in thought and worry. She looks like she’s ready for anything to just pop out, and seems to be fidgeting with her jacket. Maekaa is completely worried and on the verge of tears. Fellboomers is slightly disgruntled while Shiiva sits near to him, looking uncomfortable. Yoshi doesn’t seem phased at all, it’s almost as if she’s… bored? Sairento almost looks excited, and has a very large smile. He appears to be trying to look very scary, and contrary to the other’s reactions to him, I support his efforts. Momo, Uchukaze, and Tezu are all talking with each other about what to do. Adrian is too distracted by an elegantly worried but cute Kusubishi, while Satoumi and Leftside are just looking at each other dismissively. Nikku just sits on her chair, trying her best._

_As for me, all this tension is making me thirsty._

_Really. Really. Thirsty._

**Kanekawa:** “So… Rakku-san. Did you happen to figure anything out?”

 **Rakku:** “Okay pal, A: I may be the Ultimate Private Detective, But I’m not the Ultimate Psychic. All my thoughts right now are intrusive and horrific imaginary images about how we’re all going to get absolutely destroyed by some scofflaw. B: Why are you really close to me, pal? I may call people buddy, but you’re not MY buddy. Let alone someone I would have allowed to move the side of their chair to mine and have them touching. You know, LIKE SOME PISS DRINKER I KNOW.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, you know someone else who does that too? You should introduce me to them!”

 **Rakku:** “...All that piss must’ve affected the bloodflow to your brain too, pal.”

_I didn’t get what she meant by that, and I didn’t have time to think about it either. We were all taken aback when we heard a really high pitched, but clearly boyish voice._

**???:** “Hey, Hey, Hey there folks, and welcome! Thank you all for waiting, and thank you all for coming! Is everybody ready for my opening entrance?! Good, Great! Here I come!”

 **Leftside:** “Hmm?!”

 **Maekaa:** “A-Aaaah!!! What was that??”

 **Yoshi:** “I don’t know… But was that supposed ta’ be intimidating?”

 **Uchukaze:** “It has to be a rival species... Trying to conduct an experiment on us, even after we refused it over and over again….”

 **Fellboomers:** “Hmph. Must be combining his voice with another one of those newfangled apps the kids use.”

 **Momo:** “Aren’t you still in high school? Tch...”

 **Sairento:** “Hahaha…. Hahahahahaha… Oh boy…”

_We all waited in anticipation. What did this person look like? Are they even human? They’re clearly supposed to have a masculine voice, so did they happen to get their genitals ripped off? We all were on the edge of our seats, pondering and guessing what would happen. And out of the stage, and onto a podium that was on the stage, it was…_

_...A monochrome teddy bear with one red eye!_

**Kanekawa:** “OH MY GOD!!! What and who is that?!”

 **Maekaa:** “LORDJESUSHELPMEITSATINYBEARANDIT’SGOINGTOEATMEEEEEE!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Ah… A member of the amukgrizzle species…. I thought we wiped out your entire race after the war…”

 **Yoshi:** “....PFFFT. Ha! Seriously?! A remote controlled plush toy?! You’re goin’ to communicate with us through that?!”

 **Shiiva:** “This all seems like that weird but true post I saw on that facts blog...!”

 **Adrian:** “Dude, what the fuck is going on?”

 **Rakku:** “Gh… I don’t like this one bit, pal… Who are you?! What’re you trying to bargain here?!”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh! I thought after the countless and limitless appearances I’ve made, you would have known who I am by now!”

_W-Woah! The teddy bear is moving and walking! Wait, it’s talking too?!_

**Teza:** “Huh? Uh. Yeah, buddy. Never seen you before in my life?”

 **Monakuma** : “Gahhh! I’ll make this quick then! I’m Monokuma! Your new headmaster, taking you all on a field trip!”

_Kusubishi puts her hands together and smiles._

**Kusubishi:** “Oh? A field trip? That sounds like fun!~”

**Nikku:**

**Adrian:** “Ha! You said it, my man!”

 **Momo:** “Heheh, Yeah! What an idea that i- Wait, What the hell? We’re not going to a tropical paradise, are we? I friggin’ hate beaches!”

_Monokuma let out a very hearty chuckle. He has very sharp teeth…_

**Monokuma:** “No, you idiots! Besides, we’re still waiting for our flight! We’re going on the airline international, baby! We’re all in an airport, you know! That, and I have all your signed field trip forms!”

 **Leftside:** “Hmph. Airplanes.”

 **Satoumi:** “Ah. I guess I’m the only one who’s dressed for this.” *Slurp*

 **Rakku:** “What… What do you mean? You’re all wet, pal. I don’t remember signing up for some lousy trip to the bahamas.”

 **Monokuma:** “Ohhh, I don’t know… Also! I still do think you’re mistaken here! We’re still not going to a tropical paradise! This is an EH-DU-KAY-SHAWN-NAIL field trip! And the plane’s still arriving!”

_Field trip? Airplane? I have no idea what this bear was talking about…_

**Sutori:** “Alright, I see now. By abducting us and placing us in this airport, You intend for us to comply with your wishes and take us somewhere far away from Japan. Do you wish for money? You could have just asked me, considering I’m a multi-trillionaire. However, I suppose that doesn’t seem to make sense, considering you must have most likely learned everything about us. Are you perhaps sending us on a human traffickin- Aaah!!”

 **Adrian:** “J-Jesus fucking christ, dude!”

 _Almost everybody jumped out of their seats as a_ _gunshot was just fired, passing by Sutori’s head and towards Monokuma’s head. He managed to dodge quickly, and looks angry. Rakku seems to be staring at the one who fired, Yoshi. Yoshi is sitting down leisurely with her legs spread and doesn’t seem scared at all. In fact, she seems unimpressed._

 **Satoumi:** “Wait, I thought-”

 **Yoshi:** “Yeah, I had some real bullets. Whatever. Just get on with it already… You kidnapped us, and ya’ haven’t even used us as hostages or red room victims. You obviously have a goal with havin’ us free to walk around whenever, so what the hell is your fuckin’ point here?!”

 **Rakku:** “..I agree with the doll, keep it moving now.”

_Monokuma jumps up, waving his arms in a fit of frustration. His red eye starts glowing and he seems to have a swelled up vein on his head._

**Monokuma:** “Grr! You kids are so IMPATIENT! You’re not supposed to attack me! You’ll run the risk of dire consequences when you do! You know what? I won’t even tell you WHERE we’re all going! Instead, we’ll just have to wait until the plane arrives!”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Yeah, I’m curious about that too. How long is this plane going to arrive?”

 **Monokuma:** “Ohhhh, I don’t know…. 3, maybe 4 years?”

_Th-Three to four years?! I mean, that’s less than a regular plane delay, but that’s still ridiculous! Everybody looks panicked. Yoshi just looks even more annoyed._

**Momo:** “Uhhh? Excuse YOU? You expect us to wait in here, and just. Get on some plane? We don’t even know where we’re going!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Your race’s technology is obsolete. If you’d just let me summon my spacecraft, we could get there faster…”

 **Momo:** “Oh! Did you install those cooling systems for your ship’s supercomputer like I suggested?”

 **Uchukaze:** “My superior and technologically advanced programming has no need for such primitive machinery… But for you, I did. I am greatly pleased how it makes my ship run 4.98% faster than it used to.”

 **Momo:** “I told you I could make it faster, you small old dolt! Always bragging about your alien technology, and yet here you are!”

_Teza’s messing around with the ball on her tetherball pole when the weight of the situation suddenly hit her._

**Teza:** “Hey, wait a minute? Can you wait a minute. Monokuma, Why are you making us wait so many years for this plane?! The most I can occupy myself with a one-girl tetherball game is at the very least, I think two months? No, three.”

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “U-Um! We can’t use you for that long either, Nikku-Senpai!!!”

_Monokuma’s smile, although stuck in that never changing expression, somehow became more menacing..._

**Monokuma:** “Upupupu! Don’t worry about that! There is _one_ way to speed things up! Luckily for all of you, I found a way for you little bastards to kill time!”

_A way to kill time? Oh, I hope it’s challenge pissing. I’m a natural at that game! My best record is 200,468 gallons in 6 seconds, and a height of 87 feet._

**Fellboomers:** “Oh, finally, something to keep these kids busy! Won’t make them lazy like those filthy millennials! Lay it on us! Tell me, What’s this amazing activity you got?”

 **Rakku:** “I don’t like where this is going, buddy…”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh, It’s nothing special! It’s just that all of you could try to, Oh I don’t know… _Kill each other, maybe?_ _”_

_..._

_...Huh?! What did he just say?! Did he say we’re going to… kill each other?! Everybody started to anxiously shuffle around in their seats, some are horrified, some are trying their best to stay calm. I think one of them looks interested? There were definitely a few that were angry, through._

**Sairento:** “...”

 **Fellboomers:** “...Huh?”

 **Rakku:** “...You wanna run that one by us again, Ruxpin?”

_I couldn’t believe it either… Kill each other?! Is this some sort of gladiator deathmatch?! What’s going on?! Some of my classmates are freaking out, and some are too shocked to even speak!_

**Rakku:** “...”

 **Sutori:** “Aha! I knew it! I can see now that that’s what your motive is! So it’s one of the latest trends amongst terrorists and nazis! It’s why you’ve captured all of us famous ultimates, and specifically famous ultimates! With a few exceptions here and there, but that’s unimportant. You’ve taken us simply to enjoy icons of our generations, crying and suffering! The memeification and joy of of multiple famous and kidnapped people, forced into torture and-”

 **Maekaa:** “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEEE!!!!”

 **Adrian:** “Dude… This is not cool. This ain’t funny, bro!”

 **Teza:** “What…? Why?! What is this, a joke? This is a joke right?!”

 **Kusubishi:** “Well, This idea doesn’t very fun at all, does it? </3”

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “MUTUAL FEELINGS! FIGHT ME!”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh, Don’t get your unwashed panties in a twist! You won’t just be killing each other all willy nilly!”

_Huh?_

**Shiiva:** “H-Huh? O-Oh. Uh, Okay.”

_Shiiva drops a very distressed Maekaa from her grip, and onto the floor. I think Maekaa is sobbing, poor girl. But more importantly, what does he mean?_

**Monokuma:** “No, No, No! When you kill at least ONE person, the plane will arrive! The destination to you guys is still unknown, but don’t worry! You’ll come back from there!”

 **Kanekawa: "** What do you mean...?"

 **Monokuma:** “Let me elaborate... When one person is dead, you all can escape from this nasty airport! It doesn't have to be more than one person! In fact, It can only be a maximum of two! If you can't comply with those rules, there may be a penalty for that. So don't try and pull anything here, got it?! Good!”

_W-What?! Seriously?! In order to get out, we have to kill one of us?! In order for us to escape... We have to knock the numbers down to 15?! That's asinine! Unfair! Why?! He’s treating this like it’s some… sick game!_

**Momo:** “Gaahh! That’s how we get the plane here?! You mean we’re all going to have to use a SACRIFICE to get out of here?!”

 **Leftside:** “ADRIAN, GO!”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude?! Why turn on the bro?!”

 **Teza:** “Probably because they’re looking for a virgin sacrifice? Yeah.”

 **Satoumi:** “People are going to die, Teza-Kun.”

_I… I can’t stand for this. I can’t stand for any of this! We have to kill one person to escape?! He said at least one person… Does he care if we kill one more?! Wait, no, he said we can only kill a maximum of up to 2 people! Gah, I can't think straight right now! I don’t know what’s going on! Something’s coming over me! Is it a bladder rush? Whatever it is, it’s… making me speak!_

**Kanekawa:** “E-E-Everybody calm down!”

_Everybody stopped and turned their attention to me. Better think of something to say, quickly!_

**Kanekawa:** “N-Now, wait a minute there, you… you bear!”

 **Monokuma:** “Hmmmmmmmmmm? What’s wrong? Got a problem with what you’ll be partaking in? “

 **Kanekawa:** “Murder is… Murder is illegal!”

_Everybody seems silent. That must’ve been a good icebreaker for that to happen!_

**Monokuma:** “...”

 **Monokuma:** “...Pfffhaaaahahahahaha! What, haven’t you noticed?! Did you only learn that yesterday?! I guess you drink your own piss because you haven’t learned or understood the concept of water yet!

 **Kanekawa:** “What was that?!”

 **Monokuma:** “Must be that stupid because your family were a bunch of environmental nutjobs who didn’t use water, so they drank their own filtered pee!”

 **Kanekawa:** “First of all, I take offense to that!”

 **Shiiva:** “...Why was it that one insult that made you say that?”

 **Kanekawa:** “S-Second… uh… we’re human! We’re human, dammit! We’re not some sick animals you can slaughter, or some cliche character tropes with interchangeable personalities- Aahh!”

_Another gunshot interrupted, missing Monokuma by a hair, and this time it flew straight by me! Did Yoshi-_

_Eh? Yoshi looks confused._

**Yoshi:** “...Yeah, uh. It wasn’t me this time, folks.”

_H-Huh? Then who…_

_Oh. It was Rakku. She appears to have pulled out a revolver from her coat, different from Yoshi’s. It’s a Colt .45, with a magazine clip and a silencer! She’s holding Monokuma at gunpoint with his hands up! Are we saved?!_

**Rakku:** “Okay, pal. I’m a freelancing detective, and I was hired to investigate that school you’ve dragged us out of. There’s a bigger story to all of this. But right now, You’re obviously being remote controlled, or maybe you’re some sort of A.I. controlled robot. I don’t care about that, buddy! The real culprit must be using you to communicate with us and force us into this, game. This killing game, so to speak. So don’t be taking any wooden nickels! Reveal yourself right now, and your stupid gashapon toy here won’t blow up!”

_Monokuma starts shaking and quivering. If he’s a robot of some sort, how is he sweating?_

**Monokuma:** “Oh no! The police have caught me red handed! Whatever shall I do?!”

 **Monokuma:** “....Oh, That’s right! I just remembered I can do this!”

_In an instant, Monokuma instantly vanished! Was it teleportation?! I think I saw some sort of after image! Rakku tenses up, as everybody is looking for him._

**Rakku:** “?!... Where is that… Gah!”

 **Maekaa:** *Screams loudly*

 **Momo:** “Watch out!”

**Nikku:**

**Kusubishi:** “Oh my!”

_Monokuma suddenly appeared right behind her! That wasn’t teleportation... Is he simply that fast?! He side kicked her from the back, getting Rakku to drop her gun and fall on the floor! Everybody gasps in unison, but Yoshi in particular seems to have gotten more angry.  Monokuma appears to be pointing at the ceiling…_

**Rakku:** “Ow…. Shit, pal…. My back….”

 **Monokuma:** “I warned you about attacking me! Now you’ve gotta pay! O’ Mighty Spear of Gungnir! I call upon thee!”

_All of a sudden, a huge and long spear started falling from the ceiling! He was pointing at that?! Now he’s pointing down? Oh no, He’s pointing at the spear! The instant the whole group saw it, they all connected the dots of what was about to happen, and started panicking! One of them, however, had a very fast reflex, and threw something at the falling spear!_

**Yoshi:** “Lay offa her!”

_Yoshi threw her gun at the spear, and somehow that knocked it off course! It still discharged when it hit impact though. This time it actually shot someone, and it was Leftside in his right arm nub. He’s holding his wound, trying not to let it bleed._

**Leftside:** “FUCK! Just fixed that, bitch!”

 **Satoumi:** “Damn it, not again.”

_Yoshi’s standing in front of Rakku, who’s laying on the floor. Monokuma seems to be confused._

**Yoshi:** “Look, you wanna kill this lady?! Fine, go for it!”

 **Rakku:** “Wait, don’t kill me….!”

_Yoshi pauses and looks down at the ground for a bit. Is she thinking of something?_

**Yoshi:** “But… You wanted US to kill each other, right?! Isn’t it more fun for us to wait for one of us to crack, and commit murder?!”

 **Rakku:** “Ghh…. W-What…?”

 **Yoshi:** “If she’s going to die, let her die by MY hands! If she dies by someone else’s, I’ll kill em! In fact, I’ll kill everybody in this room when the opportunity arrives!”

_Everybody’s looking at Yoshi. They’re all slowly walking backwards and keeping their distance. Rakku on the other hand seems to be looking at her, more confused than anything._

**Yoshi:** “We’ll play by your fuckin’ rules, asshole!”

_H-Huh?! What is she going on about? Is she serious about killing us? Serious about playing along with this game?! Why?!_

_Monokuma stops for a full 30 seconds. We all had to gain composure from that, but he ends up chuckling. No, the chuckle’s now turned into a disturbing laughter._

**Monokuma:** “Upupupupu….. Aahahahahahahaha! So after that, you’ll play along? Instead of standing up and resisting, you’ll submit to despair?! Oh, that is soooooo rich! Alrighty then! Well, as a reward, this girl gets to live! Not only that, but all of you pieces of shit get an electronic handbook! E-Handbook, Trademarked for short.”

 _Monokuma threw an E-Handbook_ _™ into everybody’s hands. Except for a few who got hit in the face. One of which, was me. Thankfully, my abilities and skills gained from challenge pissing allowed me great control of my face, and I caught it with my mouth._

 **Monokuma:** “All of you can read the rules and regulations! Although I’m pretty sure you all know what they are by now. I’m not even gonna go through them! Besides, they’re never even consistent! Who wants to live in a place where the water shuts off at night? Gah, whatever! I’m out of here!”

_Monokuma suddenly disappeared from our sight, and everybody was just standing around. Did Yoshi just, agree to all of us participating in a killing game?! Why?! Of all the things she could say, why would she say that?! I get that there’s no point in fighting, but…_

**Sairento:** “Hehehehe…”

 **Yoshi:** “...And what the hell do YOU want?”

_Sairento seems to be enjoying this. When I say “seems to be,” I mean he’s laughing maniacally. He looks really stiff, though..._

**Sairento:** “AAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Amazing! Spectacular! You love to participate in a game of blood! You’re messed up, just like me!”

 **Maekaa:** “What is going on…?!”

 **Shiiva:** “Yeah, I’ve already lost track.”

_Yoshi seems even more angry. Sairento just stands there, crackling and grinning. His arms are stretching outwards for emphasis._

**Sairento:** “Don’t you get it?! None of us are going to survive. You’re all stuck in here with psychopaths, like her and me! _Especially_ me! The most dangerous person here! Muuhaahahahaha!”

_I… He’s right… We’re all stuck in here with crazy individuals… Some of these people, I don’t even know if they’ll be pushed to kill… I’m especially afraid of Yoshi, but Sairento seems…_

**Yoshi:** “Shut the fuck up!”

 **Sairento:** “H-Huh? AAUGH!”

_Yoshi runs up to Sairento and punches him in the face. He falls on the ground, instantly unconscious. Everybody’s still keeping their distance, and Satoumi starts to recognize the situation is getting out of hand_

**Satoumi:** “Hey, Yoshi-Kun. I think it’s about time you chilled- FUCK!”

_Yoshi punches Satoumi in the face and sends him drifting backwards._

**Yoshi:** “I… I… N-Nnnrrgh....”

_She clutches her right head of her head freezes in place. Everybody’s looking at Yoshi with such a horrific expression. They are afraid, and it’s extremely clear what they’re thinking._

_She’s broken their trust in her, and they’re all keeping their distance. One person, however, is still on the floor and looking with an expression more befitting of the words “shocked.” Honestly, she didn’t seem scared or horrified. She seemed more, slightly tensed._

_What is Rakku thinking…?_

_Yoshi doesn’t say anything. She goes back to pick up her gun, and then shuffles around to carry Rakku over her shoulder._

**Rakku:** “W-Why, pal…?”

_Yoshi still doesn’t answer. She just carries Rakku to the elevator, and presses the button._

**Yoshi:** “...I’ll carry this girl back to her dorm.”

_She disappears into the elevator. We all stay silent, unnerved. Unsure of what to do._

_...Maybe I should break the ice again?_

**Kanekawa:** “...So, do you guys wanna see me-”

 **Momo:** “Hey, Grills? Now really isn’t the time.”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah, Dude… Just… I don’t know.”

 **Leftside:** “Burgers.”

_Satoumi’s still stumbling to gain a good composure._

**Satoumi:** “Yeah... I’m going to need a burger after that.”

 **Fellboomers:** “Isn’t your shoulder or something still bleeding?”

 **Leftside:** “Eh.”

_Shiiva’s fiddling with her fanny pack._

**Shiiva:** “I think I can pay for it…?

 **Satori:** “There is no need for your large amount of coins, for I have read through the Monopad and found out there are Monokuma copies functioning in these mall stores and selling these items for free. They include non fast food restaurants too, so you can most definitely with the utmost accuracy ask one of them to pick out if you need a book or a dress, or something along those lines.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oooo! That seems fancy!”

 **Teza:** “Alright, Are we all cool on burgers? Alright?”

 **Fellboomers:** “I’ll just eat one of these veggies, thank you!”

 **Shiiva:** “I’m pretty sure that’s a fruit.”

**Nikku:**

_In the end, we all picked up the unconscious Sairento and decided to go back to the burger joint that we were just in. PoB had some Monokuma robots running around in aprons and comically sized hats, just like Sutori had said. They’re making burgers, and other american fast food. We all needed time to calm down and think about what just happened, and what we need to do next. That, and everybody was already hungry. I guess stress really does make people want to eat, huh?_

_Momo’s ordering for all of us, and Uchukaze’s clinging onto her. Tezu stands next to them with her arms crossed._

**Momo:** “Yeah, can I get a motherfuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

_The rest of the crew are all sitting down at some tables, waiting for our orders and cups. Adrian and Leftside seem to be sitting a few feet across from us, alone. Shiiva, Sutori, and Fellboomers are just eating some avocados and onion rings. I’m sitting next to Satoumi and Nikku. Across from me is Maekaa, Kusubishi, and an unconcious Sairento._

**Satoumi:** “Hey, you look thirsty Kanekawa-kun. Do you want some soda?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, No thanks! I already got my drink right here!”

 **Maekaa:** “...Wait, what do you mean?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Observe my power!”

_I stood up and pulled down my pants! My dick is small enough to snake right through the plastic bottle’s hole. Did I mention I had an empty plastic bottle? I started to let loose as everybody watched. Why did Maekaa start to look uncomfortable? Kusubishi just tilts her head and smiles. Satoumi starts to look at his soda and seems to be thinking about something._

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, that’s quite impressive, isn’t it?”

 **Maekaa:** “...I think I’m starting to understand Rakku a bit more.”

**Nikku:**

_I sit down and calmly wait for my food. Over all the chatter in the restaurant, I overheard Momo._

**Momo:** “...One with cheese, and a Large Soda. Okay? Thank you.”

_Almost as if on cue, when we all got our food, Sairento woke up and started wondering what just happened. Maekaa sighed some relief._

**Sairento:** “AAH! TREMBLE BEFORE- Where am I?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh, don’t worry sweetie! you got punched in the face really hard and we had to carry you around. We took good care of you <3”

 **Sairento:** “Heh… Kinda dangerous for you to keep a dangerous criminal around, don’t you think?”

_Satoumi and Kusubishi are eating their burgers. Satoumi’s face is unchanging as he switches between his quadruple bacon cheeseburger and his soda. Kusubishi’s remain cheery as the ketchup drips onto her boobs, licking it off using her fingers and mouth. I think I can hear Adrian yelling a loud “Duuuuuude!” Nikku’s just heating up her fries with the potato settings on her hardware._

**Maekaa:** “Um… Aren’t you going to elaborate…?”

 **Sairento:** “What was that, little hare?”

 **Maekaa:** “Um… If you’re a dangerous person… Shouldn’t you tell us the details? What exactly makes you dangerous…?”

 **Sairento:** “Wouldn’t you like to know…?”

 **Maekaa:** “Right…. Here, eat your burger. You need the energy.”

 **Sairento:** “No thank you. As a matter of fact, I’m thirsty. Do any of you have a drink?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, here you go.”

_I heard the man and gave him a plastic drink I was holding._

**Sairento:** “Oh, Lemonade. Thanks.”

 **Maekaa:** “W-Wait!”

_There was no time to wait, Sairento was already chugging down the bottle of pee I had just made. He drank the whole thing! Wow, He must’ve been really thirsty._

**Sairento:** “Ahhh…. This. This tasted a little funny. Hey, Kanekawa-san, did you-”

_Sairento suddenly made a face. Three of them, I think. It was realization, disgust, and utter horror. Why? My pee tastes amazing! It’s a shame he didn’t like it, but he doesn’t have to overreact like this._

**Sairento:** “I-I-I-I have to go! Like, right now! Eeeeeugh!”

 **Maekaa:** “Sairento-Kohai! Please, Let me- woooah!”

 **Kusubishi:** “Aaah!~”

_Sairento started to push Maekaa and Kusbishi out of the chairs, since he was on the far end next to the wall. He rushed out of the restaurant quickly, covering his mouth. It was still easy to understand what he’s yelling to himself._

**Sairento:** “Oh my god it’s still in my mouth! Ohhh nooo!”

 **Maekaa:** “Hnnghh… That really hurt…”

 **Kusubishi:** “He could have at least asked… What a boy he is!  <3”

 **Maekaa:** “Yeah…. Also, can you please get off of me….?”

 **Kusubishi:** *Gasp* “Oh my!”

_As a result of Sairento knocking over those two girls, Kusubishi’s burger spilled all over her, leaving everything on her covered in condiments, and also on top of a disheveled and blushing Maekaa. Kusubishi’s, um, ‘back end’ was sticking up in the air while her ‘front ends’ were on Maekaa’s face. Maekaa seems to be, um… breathing heavily._

**Kusubishi:** “I’m _sooooo_ sorry! This keeps happening with people around me! I must look so _dirty_ right now! <333”

 **Adrian:** “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!”

 **Momo: “** Yowzers!”

_The rivals started to get a little excited, except for Satoumi who just looked confused._

**Satoumi:** “Wait, that shouldn’t make any sense. Kusubishi’s sitting on the open end of the table, so when Sairento moved them out of the way, she should have fell first. If anything, Maekaa should have fell on top of Kusubishi.”

_Maekaa wriggled a little after hearing that._

**Satoumi:** “And how did the burger’s sauces fall _everywhere_ on her, including her ass? And how did they manage to fall in this very specific sexy pose? Are you telling me they managed to fall like that in the one second they took to fall down? It’s almost like this whole scenario is forced and specifically created for the male gaze.”

_Adrian and Leftside jumped on top of Satoumi and pushed his head down._

**Adrian:** “WHO FUCKING CARES, DUDE?! IT’S SEXY AS HELL!”

 **Leftside:** “PUSSY!”

 **Satoumi:** “Thanks for adding to my point.”

_Suddenly, Teza came in, holding her tetherball pole sideways with Momo and Uchukaze sitting on them. They started to jump all around the scene, pulling out their polaroid, digital, AND cell phone cameras. Taking photos left and right._

**Uchukaze:** “You primitive lifeforms are too late…. We are able to move 2,000% faster than you, and come up with ideas that are 9,546% more successful for the pursuit of cute girls.”

 **Teza:** “Yeah, did you come up with the idea to carry cameras on you at all times? No? No. Too bad.”

 **Momo:** “Gahahahaha! Don’t even bother getting more cameras from FrequencyShack! You’re too late!”

_The three girls started to run off, as Adrian and Leftside slammed his fists on the surface he was standing on, which was Satoumi._

**Satoumi:** “Guys, stop.”

 **Adrian:** “DUDE! We can’t let them get away with this! After them!”

 **Leftside:** “GO! GO! GO!”

 **Satoumi:** *Sigh*

_There goes the three men, giving chase while Fellboomers is just looking at all of us dismissively._

**Fellboomers:** “Damn kids… I worry about this country’s future. What the fuck are their parents teaching them?”

 **Shiiva:** “No, Seriously, Aren’t you like, 21? That, and why is a white man in Japan complaining about the economy? Yours is different from mine.”

 **Sutori:** “Well, you see Shiiva-Chan, the general explanation for this is that most white men in the states are like this, and that they believe their ideals apply to them and everyone else. Except when they don’t so that they can make extremely racist remarks and stereotypes, and also to use Japan as an excuse to be transphobic. This is strange, considering Trans people definitely exist and are oppressed in Japan.”

 **Fellboomers:** “I totally accept trans people! I don’t know what you’re talking about! I just don’t agree with their lifestyle or believe they should be like that! But there’s nothing that can stop them, so whatever.”

 **Shiiva:** “Actually, people have tried to murder them over the fact that they’re simply trans. Most of the time, the trans person dies. There’s a lot of things stopping them from being trans, and what you’ve said is kind of an asshole thing to say to people.

 **Fellboomers:** “Oh whatever, man! Are you a trans person?”

 **Sutori:** “Well actually, I’m non-binary. Which is-”

 **Fellboomers:** “That’s not a gender.”

 **Sutori:** “...I’m out. Nikku-Chan, Be helpful and sic him.”

**Nikku:**

_Nikku suddenly flung herself onto Fellboomers and fell under the table. I couldn’t see what was happening, but it was most likely painful._

**Fellboomers:** “FUCK, IT BURNS! SO MUCH FOR THE TOLERANT LEFT, OH GOD!”

_Shiiva seems to have gotten up from her seat._

**Shiiva:** “...Hey, Kanekawa-san?”

_Huh? Oh, Shiiva turned her attention to me. I wonder what’s up?_

**Kanekawa:** “Oh, What’s up?”

 **Shiiva:** “Are those two down there okay?”

_Oh, I forgot about Kusubishi. Maekaa seems like she’s passed out from being too flustered, and Kusubishi’s still laughing. When she takes notice of what’s happening, she catches herself._

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, I’m sorry! I zoned out for a bit there! I must be off. <3”

 **Maekaa:** “H-Huh… Huh? Hey, carefu- Mpmghhh…!”

_When Kusubishi tries to get up, her knee happened to hit Maekaa’s crotch._

**Maekaa:** “Oh no, Oh no, Oh no! Oh lord, help me…!”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oops, how indecent of me! I…. Oh?”

_Kusubishi’s mouth stays slightly open for a bit, and then she gets up from Maekaa’s poor body._

**Kusubishi:** “Huh. I see. Are you comfortable…?”

 **Maekaa:** “...Can we, talk for a bit? In private...”

 **Kusubishi:** “Certainly, dear. How about I visit your room tonight?  <3”

_Maekaa gulped as she got up and went back to her dorm, along with Kusubishi walking with her. Now that’s an escort if I ever saw one._

_All those who were left in the restaurant were Shiiva and me. Surprisingly, Shiiva walked up to me. It’s kind of weird, considering nobody’s really walked up to me all day._

**Shiiva:** “Hey, Kanekawa-san? Can you go check up on Rakku-san for me, please?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Huh…? Oh, I see… Are you that worried?”

 **Shiiva:** “....Yeeeeeeesssss.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, Alright! I’ll get to it faster than my digestive system.”

 **Shiiva:** “Wait, that’s… Okay yeah, just. Get to it, please?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Roger!”

_I walked out of PoB, ignoring the sound of someone opening a register and handling change behind my back. I was told that I needed to see how well Rakku was doing!_

_I went through the elevator and found her dorm. I knocked on her door and rung her doorbell.  No response._

**Kanekawa:** “Rakku-San! I’m here to check up on you!”

_No response._

**Kanekawa:** “...Rakku-San, Come on! If you want, I can give you my p-”

_The door slowly swings open. Rakku’s there, and she seems a little tired. She’s also missing her hat and overcoat. Is her hair untidy too?_

**Rakku:** “...I’m okay. Don’t worry about it, pal.”

 **Kanekawa:** “How about your back, is it broken?”

 **Rakku:** “What? It’s not….. No, It’s not broken I’m fresher than some scrambled eggs with parsley.”

_That’s good… I do wonder if I upset her earlier._

**Kanekawa:** “I’m sorry if I like, caused you distress earlier.”

 **Rakku:** “No, No, it’s fine, pal. Police instincts, that’s all. When you hunt down enough crime, that kind of thing starts to just, switch on.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, I thought I just… made a fool of myself when I tried to speak…”

 **Rakku:** “...Hey. Don’t worry about it, buddy. You tried to fight back, and that’s what matters.”

 **Kanekawa:** “...!”

_I… tried? I tried! Nobody’s ever praised me like that before! Most people have said I was a weirdo, someone who’s stupid and a creep! I can’t believe it! And it was a girl, too! I… I can’t believe it! What is this feeling? It’s so sudden! But…_

**Rakku:** “...Uh. Pal?”

 **Kanekawa:** “I think I’m in love with you.”

_Kanekawa attempts to do a spit take, but fails. Regardless, she still looks shocked. Is it because we’re so perfect for each other that she’s in awe of this revelation?_

**Rakku:** “What?!”

 **Kanekawa:** “We’re so perfect for each other! Are you perhaps in awe of this revelation?!”

 **Rakku:** “Um… Look, you’re a nice guy, and…”

 **Kanekawa:** “You called me nice too! Wowie, you have to be my girlfriend!”

 **Rakku:** “Look, that’s the thing. I’m…”

 **Yoshi:** “Rai’s not interested, ya’ fuckmouth!”

_Huh?! Yoshi? I wasn’t even planning to meet her tonight… Wait, She ran in front of Rakku! From her room! Was Rakku hanging out with Yoshi the whole time?_

**Kanekawa:** “H-Huh?! Rakku-San, are you being held captive by Yoshi?! Blink twice for yes!”

 **Yoshi:** “...Just leave ‘em.”

 **Rakku:** “Look, uh. Good night, Kanekawa-San.”

_Rakku shut the door on me. That’s so weird. I hope Rakku doesn’t get murdered by Yoshi! Murder is still illegal. I-_

_Oh, it’s Monokuma, popping up from the ground._

**Monokuma:** “Well, those two sure are getting to know each other, are they? All hot and steamy…”

 **Kanekawa:** “Why are you here…?”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh, no reason! I just like messing with people! It fills them with despair all the time! My favorite thing! Upupupupupupu!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Yeah…? Well, I stood up to you! That’s all that matters right now! We won’t submit to you! Not once, Not never!”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh? Oh, oh, oh? Did you forget about that red haired girl? I think she spoke for everybody there!”

 **Kanekawa:** “That’s-”

 **Monokuma:** “Puhuhuhuhuhu! That won’t matter anyways! It’s almost nighttime, so get to bed soon, you bastard!”

 **Kanekawa:** “H-Hey! Wait!”

_The conversation was going by really quickly, and it was over before I could really get a grasp on it. Monokuma disappears into thin air once again…_

_..._

_What’s happening here? Why is he doing this to us? And how…?_

_…_

_Do we really have to murder each other to get out of here…?_

_…_

_I have to place my trust in these students. There’s no way we can murder one of us, just like that… right? Right?_

_...I take a swig from another bottle I had. I need to calm down. I’ll just go back to my room and lay down… Take a rest, tonight. These people are all cool, and you’ll be fine._

_You’ll be fine._

_I promise._

 

**\--- END OF PROLOGUE, 16 STUDENTS REMAINING ---**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh yeah i just fucking made this chapter last night and today so that's neat
> 
> hey i don't actually have any ideas for what i can put here
> 
> if you want to ask for character facts, or any clearing up then comment down below dont forget to like the crackfic comment the crackfic and rate the crackfic see ya


	3. DRSM Chapter 01 - That was full of despair. Now let's get horny! Part 1 - Daily Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our protagonist is stuck with the fear of death itself looming behind every corner... But never mind that, let's get two people to fuck in the shower! That'll be more entertaining! Although let's be honest, with the way DR is going, it totally is.
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy this chapter was helped with by the likes of femslashfatale (mikans_elbow) and they are really awesome i love them and also they're a co writer now so thats cool
> 
> enjoy the fic, tell me if i have to tag anything

_‘Kill one person to escape’_

_That was our motive… One of us has to die to get out of here. It’s a deadly dilemma. An incapacitating impasse. A murderous moral dilemma. We stop one heart from beating, and the rest of us are free to go. We have 16 people to choose from, including me. A simple piss drinking student, Ryou Kanekawa. Those were my thoughts as I was eating my breakfast in Testyes Submarines, a place for experimental sub-sandwiches. My options here were either to think about the existential dread of the situation, or this “Foul Oregano Sub.” Man, This tastes bad. Is that cilantro on duck? I hate it._

**Kanekawa:** “....Hm. Maybe if I put a little something on it.”

_I got up on the table and started to unzip my pants. My own piss is the only thing that can keep me calm right now. I unwinded as somebody else came in. It was Adrian, Who was sitting on Satoumi’s bicep. Leftside’s on the opposite one. Adrian looked determined to do something._

**Adrian:** “Yo, Kanekawa, bro! You gotta… Uh.”

_All three of them stare at what I’m doing. We are silent. Good, watch me in all my glory._

**Adrian:** “...Bro, uh. Do you want us to come back la-”

 **Kanekawa:** “Shh.”

 **Adrian:** “Okay, man...”

_I finish up my business. No, wait, there’s still a little bit left. I dribble, and it’s done. I sit down and eat the rest of my duck sandwich, and sure enough my piss made it taste a whole lot better._

**Kanekawa:** “...”

 **Leftside:** “...”

 **Satoumi:** “...”

 **Adrian:** “...You done?”

_I swallow._

**Kanekawa:** *Burp* “I’m sorry, I’m really passionate about the art of pissing. Continue, if you please?”

 **Adrian:** “...Right, well, DUDE! You gotta help me, man! I have an idea to one up those lesbians!”

 **Leftside:** “We have plans.”

 **Satoumi:** “Before any one of us dies, Adrian at the very least, wants to lose his virginity.”

_I tilted my head and made a sound of inquiry. Virginity? Lose it? He wants to do that here?_

**Kanekawa:** “Wait, Don’t you have the dread of mortality and death right behind you since we were just told yesterday that one of us has to die for the rest of us to escape?”

_Adrian jumps off of Satoumi and scratches his head._

**Adrian:** “Bro, We literally went one day where a nudist fell on a small girl and nearly had sex right in front of us. So I don’t know what you want, man!”

_That’s fair._

**Kanekawa:** “Speaking of which, if you want to lose your virginity, wouldn’t Kusubishi-San be an easy option?”

 **Adrian:** “Well bro, you see…”

 **Kusubishi:** “I convinced him go to after Maekaa-Chan!~”

 **Adrian:** “W-Woah, dude!”

_Kusubishi, still naked as ever, sneaked up on Adrian and hugged him from behind. Her, erm, boobs are pressing up behind him. I think an anime sound effect of something squishing just played._

**Adrian:** “D-Duuuuude….”

 **Satoumi:** “This still feels extremely forced, you know.”

 **Kusubishi:** “I told Adrian here that if he wants to beat those girls in stealing hearts, he should try to go a different route! If he can’t instantly steal hearts of cuties like they can, he should get to know them, see if they’re interested and try to have the girl’s love blossom in time! <3!”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah bro, This whole ‘Genuine love’ thing sounds like a whole load of bullshit. But like, I’ll try it, man.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Huh? If that’s the case, then why not Kusubishi?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’ll still satisfy you if you want!~”

 **Kanakawa:** “Er, Maybe later.”

 **Leftside:** “Feh. Coward.”

_Kusubishi happily drags Adrian by the collar and places him back on Satoumi’s bicep. Then she climbs up on Satoumi’s shoulders and sits down._

**Kusubishi:** “Oooh, Your ponytail tickles!~”

_Satoumi looks up in confusion._

**Satoumi:** “Wait, why are you climbing on top of me instead of following us?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Because it’s the only time you’ll allow me to ride you!”

_Now he’s just staring._

**Satoumi:** “...Just take me and the boys to Maekaa-Kun. Kanekawa-kun, Adrian’s the leader of the group and he decrees that you’re coming with us. You’re the main character and we need some sort of filler to get to the climax of this chapter.”

 **Kanekawa:** “The what?”

 **Leftside:** “Follow us, bitch.”

_And so, we got out of the sub joint and came across a nice looking water fountain. Maekaa’s sitting there and it seems she’s using an easy cake oven and a portable outlet she found in some nearby shops with Nikku to cook some sponge cakes. She’s also writing down notes. As we walk there, we have a little bit of a conversation with each other._

**Kanekawa:** “So… What makes you say that Maekaa-san’s the perfect canidate?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Well, If I may be a little bit blunt?”

 **Satoumi:** “Oh trust me, you always have been.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Adrian has no chance with the others.”

_Adrian sharply turns his head and looks incredibly angry._

**Adrian:** “Uh, Bro! Yeah, I do! I just have my reasons.”

 **Satoumi:** “Uh-huh. Why not Rakku-kun?”

 **Adrian:** “Too uptight.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Shiiva-Chan?”

 **Adrian:** “Too incriminating.”

 **Leftside:** “Nikku.”

 **Adrian:** “Too wild.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Yoshi-san?”

 **Adrian:** “I don’t wanna die.”

 **Satoumi:** “And that’s why we will never win against the girls.”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah, How about we test that right now, bro?!”

_Adrian jumped off of Satoumi and started power walking over to the two._

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “C-Can you wait a while…? You can have them when I’m done trying out this recip- Oh, Kusubishi-Senpai! You’re here!”

 **Kusubishi:** “That’s me, Dear!~ Look who I brought!”

_Suddenly, Maekaa started looking more nervous._

**Maekaa:** “O-Oh! U-Uh… Blum-Senpai! Or, wait, you’re american. Do you just prefer Adrian?”

_Adrian isn’t replying. He appears to be pretending to trip, pulling out a plastic bag and dropping it on the floor. Wait, it’s full of-_

**Adrian:** “Oh no, bro! I seem to have dropped all of the double extra large condoms I bought from the MNO Store earlier! It sucks that none of them are actually able to fit my MONSTROUS MAGNUM DONG!”

_...We all pause. I think Nikku might be laughing._

**Kusubishi:** “To be fair, I feel as if that’s a killer line.”

 **Satoumi:** “Pretty sure that’s because you’re-”

_Maekaa is blushing furiously and dropping her papers in the fountain’s water. Her pencils are flying everywhere, and she accidentally knocked over the easy cake oven and outlet near my foot._

**Maekaa:** “W-W-WOAHHH??!?!!!?? U-Uh, I-I had no idea!”

_And now everybody’s jaws are dropping._

**Leftside:** “IT WORKED?!”

 **Satoumi:** “You’re shitting me.”

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “Uhhh! A-Adrian-Senpai, don’t you think you’re moving a little too- W-Woah?!”

_Maekaa is trying to speak, but she’s flailing her arms around and stammering her words. She accidentally knocks over Nikku too, this time into the fountain._

**Satoumi:** “Shouldn’t we check on Nikku? What if she’s not waterproof?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Shh! This is more important!”

 **Satoumi:** “Right, Sure.”

_Oh, now she’s starting to fall into the fountain. I think somebody better go catch her._

**Adrian:** “Leftside, you’re quick. Catch her, bro.”

 **Leftside:** “Feehhh.”

 **Adrian:** “Oh, alright.”

_Adrian started rushing over to the red faced Maekaa, catching her by the back using his own two hands. Her body is inches from the fountain and Nikku, yet their faces are somehow closer than ever._

**Adrian:** “...”

 **Maekaa:** “...”

_Maekaa looks away and anxiously readjusts her apron-flannel combo._

**Maekaa:** “...C-Can we like. Have some dinner together, first? You’re like, really cute. But I’m not sure we should, immediately delve right into it. Let’s get to know each other first, y-you know?”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah, I’m still not sure on this method guys.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Don’t worry, just try it!”

 **Adrian:** “Oh, Alright.”

_Maekaa tries to muster up some eye contact with Adrian._

**Maekaa:** “Hey, Uh… I-I kinda need my Easy Cake Oven back…”

 **Adrian:** “Huh? Oh, totally bro. Hey Kanekawa, Pass me that shit!”

_Oh, right! The oven and generator rolled next to my legs. I’ll just pick it up here..._

**Maekaa:** “H-Huh?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Here, catch!”

 **Adrian:** “Thanks, dude!”

_Adrian lets go of Maekaa and uses his arms to catch the Easy Cake Oven. He’s a good catcher!_

**Maekaa:** “WAITNODON’TDROPME, NIKKU’S STILL IN THE WATER!”

_*Splash!*_

_A few hours passes and it’s the afternoon. Thankfully, Nikku really was waterproof, so both her and Maekaa’s fine. She’s just kinda shocked from that double death scare. She still agreed to the whole dinner thing, and they’ve both agreed eating at a salad restaurant. A fast food salad restaurant. Apparently, it’s the healthiest food place here, which isn’t saying much in all honesty._

_Me and the gang are sitting at a table in the restaurant, waiting for this date to take place. We didn’t have time to decorate the restaurant, for some reason. The place still looks like a regular fast food area. Satoumi seems to have brought newspapers._

**Kusubishi:** “This is kind of nice.  <3”

 **Satoumi:** “You know, We really don’t need these fake newspapers. We’re like, the only ones who are even here. Besides Monokuma, but fuck him.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Nikku-san’s still salty about us dropping her in the fountain.”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Well, You’re waterproof, So I don’t see why you have to force us to-”

_There’s a knife right besides Nikku._

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “Calm it down, man! CALM IT DOWN!”

 **Satomi:** “...So you guys want some soda?”

 **???:** “What the hell are you dewdroppers doing?”

_Huh? O-Oh, it’s Rakku. Right next to her is Yoshi. I’m still confused on that, Did Yoshi still kidnap her? It must take some skill to kidnap someone while they’re still kidnapped. A double kidnapping, wow. I should tell the others about this._

**Satoumi:** “Oh, Hi Rakku-Kun. And… Yoshi.”

 **Yoshi:** “Tch… Are you all havin’ a tea party? All of you seem lame enough for that.”

 **Leftside:** “Reeffh.”

 **Rakku:** “Oh, come on now.”

 **Yoshi:** “Oh, Alrighty Ra- Uh... Rakku-San.”

 **Rakku:** “...Thanks. But seriously though, pal. What the hell is going on?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh! They’re here!”

_Wait, what?!_

**Kanekawa:** “A-Already?!”

 **Rakku:** “Oh. Kanekawa-san. Hello- Wait pal, Who’s here?”

 **Satoumi:** “Grab a newspaper and hide with us. Right now.”

 **Yoshi:** “Why the hell would we-?! Where’s my gun.”

_Nikku’s got Yoshi’s revolver a few inches from herself._

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “JUST SIT, DAMMIT!”

_The two girls comply with the microwave’s orders, and sure enough, Adrian and Maekaa showed up. They both sit down and are looking at the menu. The menu being all the way at the counter, since this salad restaurant still counts as fast food._

**Rakku:** “...Wait, are you fellas seriously trying to set up a date right now?! We were literally given an ultimatum yesterday, pal! Either stay here and rot, or one of us dies!”

 **Yoshi:** “That, and this set up’s super lame! Where’s all the candles? The lack of lighting? The fuckin’ sexual atmosphere?!”

 **Satoumi:** “We didn’t have anything better to do.”

 **Rakku:** “You could have been searching for a way out! Information or clues on who the mastermind of this whole ordeal is! You know, like me and Yoshi have been doing all day?!”

_Kusubishi puts down her newspaper._

**Kusubishi:** “So, hon, did you find any clues about their identity?”

 **Yoshi:** “Well, we… Oh. Uh.”

 **Rakku:** “....Well pal, I mean. We didn’t, but...”

_Suddenly, Yoshi and Rakku are speechless. Kusubishi’s now put her shoulders on the table and her chin on her interlocked fingers. Her breasts are also resting on the table, looking very squishy, but that’s beside the point. She sips a glass of soda she had been given by Satoumi._

**Kusubishi:** “See, I’m sure the mastermind is smart enough to have not left any traces of themselves. They’ve locked down an entire airport, and managed to develop some sort of advanced robot in the shape of a monochromatic bear. It’s good that you’ve checked and have a little bit of hope left, but for someone like me? I don’t like to disappoint myself.“

_Kusubishi stops doing that anime thing with her eyes and opens them halfway. Her stare seems to go right through them. They can’t move at all, for it is too much for us to handle._

**Kusubishi:** “So I’d rather enjoy the short amount of time I have doing what I love the most, instead of struggling to escape, only to realize there really is no way out. So, please honey, don’t ruin our fun and let us enjoy life accordingly, okay?  <3”

_Rakku has to readjust her hat after being stunned. We’re all stunned, to be honest. Kusubishi goes back to having her eyes closed, still smiling._

**Rakku:** “...You make a good point, doll.”

 **Yoshi:** “The hell did you learn to talk like that?”

 **Kusubishi:** “I’m working part time as a sex worker. You learn a lot from that job.”

 **Everybody at the table, in realization:** “Ooooooooooh.”

 **Fellboomers:** “Now THAT makes sense!”

_Satoumi almost chokes on his drink._

**Satoumi:** “Where the fuck did you come from?!”

 **Fellboomers:** “I heard someone was a sex worker, so I’ve come to make fun of them!”

 **Satoumi:** “But that was like, 2 secon-... Well, Whatever. Why don’t you just go ahead and keep stigmatizing sex workers, I guess.”

 **Rakku:** “So like, can you see anything with your eyes closed like that, pal? or...”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hush, both of you, I think they’re finally talking.”

_She’s right, Maekaa and Adrian are finally starting to try to have a conversation!_

**Adrian:** “...So, uh. One of us might die soon, bro. That’s something.”

 **Maekaa:** “...Yup, it kinda sucks.”

 **Maekaa:** “...”

 **Maekaa:** “...You ever cooked anything?”

 **Adrian:** “I think I tried to make some nachos once.”

 **Maekaa:** “O-Oh! Did you add any bacon? Jalapenos?”

 **Adrian:** “Just, cheese, my dude. In a microwave.”

 **Maekaa:** “...Did it turn out well…?”

 **Adrian:** “...Not really.”

_I can sense a murderous intent..._

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “Take it out! On us!”

_Kusubishi leans in, letting her chest drop and showing her bottom half, leading to more objectifying remarks about herself. She’s whispering something._

**Kusubishi:** “Psst! Guys, I don’t think it’s working! Signal to send in the waiters!”

 **Rakku:** “You got waiters for this, pal?”

 **Leftside:** “Three of ‘em.”

 **Satoumi:** “Wait, I never heard of this. Who did you- .....Noooooooo.”

 **Maekaa:** “Hey, uh, I think I’m going to go up and-”

_As if out of nowhere, Sairento rises up from the table._

**Sairento:** “Hello there.”

 **Maekaa:** “AHH!”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude!”

 **Sairento:** “Would you like me to take your orders?”

 **Maekaa:** “I-Isn’t this a… Fast food restaurant?”

 **Sairento:** “Ma’am, I’m a lift attendant. Just let me have some fun.”

 **Maekaa:** “Well, Uh… I’ll have the Caesar Salad, extra horseradish.”

 **Sairento:** “Certainly. And you, sir?”

 **Adrian:** “Uh… This is a salad restaurant, right dude? Can I just, get a bowl of those croutons or something?”

_Everybody goes quiet in the restaurant again. This miiiight be a trend._

**Sairento:** “...P-Pardon me, sir?”

_Adrian does some hand gestures with his hands. I don’t think that’s making it any better._

**Adrian:** “Y-Yeah, you know… Those small cubes you find in salads that, kinda look like chicken? They taste sorta like it too….”

_Maekaa looks at Adrian with pure and rich disgust. I hope she’s not having second thoughts. We went through all that trouble to set this up!_

**Sairento:** “I’m well aware of what croutons are. Are you saying that you want an entire bowl of just that?”

 **Adrian:** “Oh, With some ranch sauce too, bro.”

 **Sairento:** “...What the hell is wrong with you, sir?”

 **Adrian:** “Bro, we are going to have to have a discussion about sacrificing one of us later, let me live life like I’ve always have.”

_Sairento seems to be clenching his fist._

**Sairento:** “Fine… I’ll get your damn croutons and ranch… But just know, that if you ever pull something like this again, I will reign terror upon you like you’ve neve- Oof!”

_Shiiva came running in from behind the counter and punched Sairento out of the restaurant. Ouch, he’s lucky that the glass doors were open._

**Kusubishi:** “And that’s why I hired more than one!  <3”

_Shiiva regained her composure and assumes a bashful pose_

**Shiiva:** “Sorry about that! We’re now on a staff shortage due to insubordination. We’ll be right there with your order!”

_Adrian assumes a straight face, but it suddenly turns into a mischievous grin._

**Adrian:** “Yo, thanks bro! But, uh... can you also make them croutons boneless?”

_Shiiva suddenly gains a very dispirited face._

**Shiiva:** “This isn’t even a pizza, sir...”

_Sairento’s also trying to crawl back into the restaurant, overhearing the conversation._

**Sairento:** “How… the fuck… can pizza be bon- Augh, God!”

_His face was soon hit with a small, but sharp blow. Shiiva happened to pull out a coin from her fanny pack and hit him right between the eyes. He’s bleeding, oh well._

_Huh. I think Maekaa’s grinning a little._

**Shiiva:** “Ugh, I absolutely can’t deal with this. I’ll be in the employee’s backroom, taking a break. Get the other one to take over for me.”

_As Shiiva stormed off into the backroom for a break, her statement leaving Maekaa to count on her fingers to check who’s left. When she figures it out, she pauses and stares at her fingers for a few seconds before sighing and putting a set of them on her temple. Her grin’s gone now._

_Sutori comes in pushing a cart with their orders, or something close to an order. Does a bowl of croutons with some ranch sauce really count?_

**Sutori:** “Alright, Here you go. Your croutons, drizzled with olive oil, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Baked in a temperature of 400 degrees fahrenheit, and comes with your side of ranch dressing. A sauce based on mayonnaise and made up of buttermilk, salt, garlic, onion, mustard, herbs and spices. As for the other dish, a caesar salad, made up of romaine lettuce and croutons. Dressed with parmesan cheese, lemon juice, oliv-”

 **Maekaa:** “Sutori-Kohai, Can you like…. leave us alone for a second…?”

 **Sutori:** “Er... Sorry.”

_Huh? What’s going on? With Sutori going to take a break, We’re all now on the edge of our seats, waiting for whatever was about to happen. We put up our newspapers and peek above them. Maekaa’s fiddling with her own fingers and is having direct eye contact with Adrian._

**Maekaa:** “Adrian… Did you set up all these waiters in this pseudo-salad bar?”

 **Adrian:** “Uh… Which answer would steal your heart faster?”

_Maekaa puts her arms and head down on the table._

**Maekaa:** “Paah… Look, Adrian… If I’m going to be honest, I’ve kinda been… attracted to you for a while now…”

_Adrian sits up straight and surprised for a minute, and Kusubishi makes a hand signal that tells everybody to be quiet and listen. She looks like she’s been waiting for this moment…!_

**Adrian:** “Y-You have?”

 **Maekaa:** “Y-Yeah… Your confidence, your tenacity, your passion…. I love all of that! You have such great determination to find true love! You’re such a romantic! That, and, you’re kinda hot too...”

_Satoumi and Leftside are trying very hard to stifle their laughter._

**Maekaa:** “You didn’t have to set any of this up… I like you just the way you are!”

_Adrian’s sitting in his chair. You can tell that he doesn’t quite get it yet, but after thinking about it, he has this to say._

**Adrian:** “So, what you’re telling me is... my raw, unfiltered charisma turns you on?”

_Everybody falls over in their chairs, the exception being me and Kusubishi._

**Rakku:** “P-Pal! Why do you think that’s a good line to say?! Why do you think that phonus balonus will work?!”

_Maekaa holds one of her wrists on her lap, and appears to be rocking back and forth._

**Maekaa:** “Well… In a sense, yeah… I do feel a little horny when you talk to me like that….”

_Everybody falls over in their chairs again, I think the floor cracked a little?_

**Everybody in Unison:** “WHY DID THAT WORK?!”

 **Adrian:** “Dude… Wanna come back to my place?”

 **Maekaa:** “Y-Your room? ….S-Sure! T-Treat me well, okay?”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude! Sweeeeeet! Let's do it in the shower”

_Yoshi leapt up off the ground and onto the table, yelling with her gun back in her hand._

**Yoshi:** “What the fuck is wrong with literally all of you people?! How does shit like this happen?!”

_Adrian’s smiling while Maekaa suddenly flares up in red and puts her cluttered hands against her neck and chest._

**Maekaa:** “AAAAAAAH! Y-You guys were here the whole time?! Where were you?! W-Why didn’t I see any of you?! Did you hear that whole conversation?!”

 **Everybody, collectively again:** “WHAT?!”

_Everybody falls over a third time, and now the floor is indented. I hope Monokuma fixes that. As for the rest of the crew, they all looked like they were done with asking questions…_

_Adrian, on the other hand, is laughing._

**Adrian:** “Haha! You know, bro? I’m kind of jealous of you.”

_Maekaa quickly turns her head._

**Maekaa:** “H-H-H-Huh?!”

_Adrian’s putting his hand on his chin and looking directly into Maekaa’s eyes._

**Adrian:** “I don’t know what it is, man… Your personality and style is like, awesome! Like, you’re just so full of charm and, you dress super cute too! Kinda wish I was like you in a way, bro. Know what I mean?”

_…That’s kind of a weird thing to say, isn’t it?_

**Maekaa:** “...”

_Maekaa falls down to the ground. The rest of us were already on the ground, but somehow we’ve fell down again, went lower and created a crater._

_Adrian decides that he has to carry Maekaa back to his own room, considering Maekaa was now an incapacitated embarrassed mess stuck rolling around on the floor and trying to hide her own face with her hands. She peeks through her hand to see Kusubishi giving her a thumbs up, prompting her to go back to whimpering and flailing about. Rakku and some others got back up from the ground, and they look as if they’ve just finished a 40 hour shift._

**Satoumi:** "That girl has really bad taste..."

 **Rakku:** “So. Any of you fellas wanna to go to Moon Dollars for some java?

 **Yoshi:** “God, Let’s. That was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever had to witness.”

**Nikku:**

**Kusubishi:** “I’m just glad I was able to help Maekaa-Chan!~  <3”

_Yeah!_

_..._

_...Huh? Wait..._

**Leftside:** “Hmph? Maekaa?”

 **Kanekawa:** “I thought we were helping Adrian?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Well, let’s get some frappucinos first, shall we? I’m thirsty for a good drink!~”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh, I could-”

 **Kusubishi:** “I don’t do that kind of thing, dear.”

_Me, Satoumi, Rakku, Yoshi, Leftside, Kusubishi, and Nikku all decide to take a rest and drink some chocolate and vanilla frappes from a nearby coffee shop. I love the caffeine, and surprisingly it’s not for the reasons you would think! I just like being awake. Being able to pee a lot is just a cool side effect, though. Satoumi’s opening his plastic cup and pouring in some cola while striking up a conversation._

**Satoumi:** “So… What’s the deal with you and Maekaa-Kun?”

_Kusubishi’s drinking a dark mocha frappe._

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, We bonded yesterday!”

_Leftside impulsively smashes his vanilla cappuccino into the front of his football helmet._

**Leftside:** “...Explain.”

 **Kusubishi:** “You see, I knew about Maekaa’s little crush on Adrian because she told me a few secrets of her! I decided to remedy all of them with this set up! <3!”

_Yoshi puts down her salted caramel cappuccino, confused._

**Yoshi:** “So like, you’re telling me there’s things about Maekaa we still don’t know?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Yes, and I actually respect her secrets, so no telling!~ <33”

_Rakku finishes her drink of black coffee._

**Rakku:** “I’m so confused right now. Why do you keep saying that, pal?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Huh? Saying what?”

 **Rakku:** “You know pal, that thing at the end of your sentences. ‘Less Than 3.’ Occasionally, you add on a ‘Squiggle’ but that rolls off the tongue better.”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh, that’s supposed to be a heart symbol! Sometimes, I just like saying squiggle, but  <3 is supposed to be a subtle hint of love.”

 **Momo:** “Hey, Don’t you think using ♡ is a lot faster?”

 **Teza:** “I prefer ❤ if you ask me? Please, ask me.”

 **Kusubishi** : “As long as those don’t accidentally come out as a missing character, sure!”

 **Satoumi:** “If you ask me, I prefe- Oh, wait. It’s you girls.”

 **Leftside:** “ENEMIES!”

_As if they appeared out of nowhere, the trio of Momo, Uchukaze, and Teza showed up at Moon Dollars drinking some ice blended beverages. Leftside slams his fist on the table._

**Uchukaze:** “Humans are so weird… Why drink all these nasty caffeinated products when these shops can also allow you to consume these ice blended chocolate items…?”

 **Momo:** “What’s even weirder is how you thought you _LAME-Os_ could get away with any of this!”

 **Teza:** “Yeah, we were busy doing things? Just things. When suddenly we heard about this? This can’t happen.”

_What?! They’re gonna ruin our work?!_

**Leftside:** “SABOTAGERS!”

 **Satoumi:** “What did you do this time.”

_Momo snaps her fingers._

**Momo:** “Teza, if you please.”

_Teza places a stack of clothing on the table. Hey, those clothes look like they belong to-_

**Leftside:** “ADRIAN!”

 **Kanekawa:** “W-What?! What’s going on?! I don’t get it!”

_Momo crackles and does a villainous pose. Uchukaze is playing her theremin for dramatic effect, and it’s working! I’m intimidated!_

**Momo:** “Aaaahahahahahahahaha! We broke into his room and stole his clothes!”

 **Yoshi:** “...That isn’t goin’ to be much of a problem.”

_Uchukaze does a very unorthodox but intellectual pose, having one arm horizontal and having that hand cup her other elbow, with the arm pointing vertically upwards._

**Uchukaze:** “Simple lifeforms… We have thought of that, and increased sabotage success rate from 68.89% to 100.00% in a matter of nanoseconds.

 **Teza:** “We used, a replacement, right? A replacement.”

 **Momo:** “Wouldn’t want to leave him naked! Unfortunately, We didn’t have anything else in his… aesthetic.”

_Satoumi and Leftside both suddenly stops in their place and looks very concerned. Satoumi slowly stares at the girls and their smug faces._

**Satoumi:** “...What was the replacement?”

_….! What’s…_

**Kanekawa:** “Do you… hear that…?”

_We suddenly heard the sound of loud stamping, getting closer and closer. We had no idea who or what it was. It couldn’t have been Monokuma, his feet just make a cute squishy noise whenever they press against something. But we started to wish it was him, because the stamping was still getting closer, and closer. We heard screaming, and it sounds like a damned soul escaping from the gates of hell. We are filled with dread. What kind of horrors are coming towards us. Are we going to die? Is this it? Is-_

_Oh. It’s just Adrian._

_With a passed out and pale Maekaa on his back._

**Adrian:** “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO, BRO?!”

_And he’s wearing a pastel orange cutsew and a petticoat with white boots. There’s a red bow on his head with white polka dots. He’s winded and pissed, and also in femme clothing._

_That man does not suit that ou-_

**Kusubishi:** “Oh wow! You actually look kind of cute!”

 **Rakku:** “Yeah pal, you look like a real cute flapper there.”

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “FASHION KING!”

_Oh. Nevermind, I guess it does._

**Momo:** “What?! How! Why do you look so cute?!”

 **Uchukaze:** “None of my intellects can explain this alien phenomenon…!”

_Adrian stands up straight and puts his hand over his mouth._

**Adrian:** “...T-Thanks.”

 **M** ae **k** aa **: “**    .  .   a a a  a “  a “a

 **Satoumi:** “So, what’s her deal? Was the outfit too much for her?”

 **Adrian:** “No, bro! It was that fucking fake hand and blood you lesbians put in my bathroom vent to ruin the sexual mood! Fucking creepy, dude!”

_...Fake hand? Fake blood?_

**Momo:** “Wait, wait, wait, what? There’s no novelty joke prop store in this airport. We never put a… a….”

 **Momo:** “...”

 **Momo:** “Oh my god.”

_Rakku and Yoshi got up from the table and started pulling out their guns._

**Rakku:** “Hey, Pal! Can we see your room for a second?!”

_We all got out of the restaurant, rushing to get to Adrian’s bathroom. Along the way, we passed by the elevator room and saw the ‘employees’ waiting for it to come up._

**Shiiva:** “Oh, hey guys! What’s up?”

 **Sairento:** “Ha ha ha… What’s happening, you heathens?”

 **Sutori:** “We all were sleeping in the break room when we-

 **Rakku:** “THERE’S NO TIME FOR YOUR CHARACTER QUIRKS PAL, WE GOTTA RUSH!”

_Satoumi lifts up everybody and runs with the rest of us. We go down the elevator, and run through the underground dorm halls and reach Adrian’s bathroom. When we got there, we saw it. Dripping from the vent was the aforementioned blood, and gripping on the cover was a hand that you could just tell is going cold. Yoshi clutches the right side of her hair._

**Yoshi:** “Ghh…. Satoumi, can’t you like, pull it off?”

 **Satoumi:** “Hey, what the hell do I look like?! A protein junkie?!”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Oh, shut up!”

 **Rakku:** “Somebody get a screwdriver, or a drill, or a-”

_Leftside grabs onto the vent cover and is yelling at the top of his lungs._

**Leftside:** “FOOOOOOOSBALL!”

_The vent cover pops off, and along with it, was the body. A little bit of blood splatters onto the ground, and the body, unfortunately, does not have the same amount of kinetic energy. We can see more blood spilling out of some neck wounds on the front of him. His expression looking like he was just strained through torture. One smell overpowered the sensation of blood, though._

_It was the smell of avocados._

 

_Locke Fellboomers has been found dead in the underground dormitory's ventilation system, and dragged out into Adrian Blum’s bathroom._

 

_..._

**Yoshi:** “...Okay, I know we’re all in shock, but I just wanna yell at this motherfucker for a sec’ since I never got the chance.”

_Yoshi squats down and starts hollering wildly at Fellboomer’s dead body._

**Yoshi:** “YOU’RE A GODDAMN CARICATURE OF RICH ASSHOLES WHO HAVE NO IDEA HOW FINANCIAL SOCIOLOGY WORKS, AND YA’ COULDN’T EVEN GET IT RIGHT!

“IT’S AVOCADO TOAST, YA’ FUCKER! AVOCADO _TOAST_ **!** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well shit that happened
> 
> here's a thing i'm gonna try out, tell me if it's cool  
> im gonna miss a few stats because lets be honest, who gives a shit about weight and BMI, just make one up yourself if you gotta
> 
> \------------------------------------------------  
> Name - Locke Fellboomers  
> Talent - Ultimate Avocado Collector  
> Height - 6'3"  
> Birth Date - ♊ June 14th  
> Likes - Avocados, Money  
> Dislikes - Minorities


	4. DRSM Chapter 01 - That was full of despair. Now let's get horny! Part 2 - Despair Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, fuck! Our protagonist is stuck having to figure out who killed the bastard that just died! Watch as things tense up between the 15 students as they get more and more stupid about trusting each other!
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo uhhhh updates are gonna be a bit more sparse from here on out i just got my wisdom teeth removed and also i'm working on a separate project atm. enjoy the fic tho

**Rakku:** “Alright, nobody move!”

_Rakku pulls out her pistol from her jacket, and Yoshi pulls out her revolver from her chest. They both start pointing at the crowd in the room. Everybody’s startled._

**Rakku:** “Everybody here is a suspect, see? I don’t care what your motive was, whether it be to escape or because you’re just some sick fuck! I want the perp to come up and confess to what they’ve done! If they don’t, I’ve got both my peacemaker, and my buddy’s .44 Magnum Heat here, pal!”

 **Yoshi:** “And this time, it’s completely loaded! With 6 bullets in and fuckin’ everything!”

_Rakku slightly leans in a little to her left to whisper to Yoshi._

**Rakku:** “You did reload it like you said you would, right?”

 **Yoshi:** “Uh, obviously not! There’s still one bullet! Don’t worry though, I’m sure I can just get lucky and hit them!”

 **Rakku:** “Are you saying you didn’t even load something other than the first chamber, pal?!”

_Yoshi shrugs._

**Yoshi:** “I mean, I might’ve! I spun it a few times but-”

_Suddenly, a cartoon sound effect plays when Monokuma pops out of the ground, and the mood shifts dramatically in tone for the fourth time in 30 minutes._

**Monokuma:** “Oh no you don’t! You’re not gonna just figure out who did it just like that! Now we’re about to have an investigation!”

_H-Huh? It’s not over?_

**Momo:** “H-Huh?! What’s going on here?!”

 **Satoumi:** “What…”

 **Kanekawa:** “W-What do you mean by ‘investigation?’”

 **Rakku:** “N-No… Don’t tell me…”

_Monokuma spins around and is now standing dramatically in a spotlight._

**Monokuma:** “Alright, I’ll make this quick since it’s been done to death! When someone dies in this game, we gotta go through a class trial! Before we begin, you will all be given a few hours to investigate the perimeters and dig up any clues about your murderer! Then, you’ll all be taken to a place to debate and figure out who killed the unlucky bastard! Simple as that!”

 **Shiiva:** “Huh? You mean… It’s not over…?”

 **Kusubishi:** “So we have to figure out who murdered our friend, huh?”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude…! Dude, this is fucked up!”

 **Sairento:** “Ah… Yes! YES! Now this is what I’m talking about!”

 **Momo:** “W-What?! What about the friggin’ escape?!”

_Monokuma lets out another one of his hearty chuckles._

**Monokuma:** “Oh, come on! Did you really think you’d escape that easily? This is something you guys will be doing over and over again! Again and again! Day after night!”

 **Momo:** “No…!”

 **Shiiva:** “What the fuck…?”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Yeah, gotta agree with you there… This is bad.”

 **Uchukaze:** “Hnn…. Hacchan...”

 **Momo:** “!”

 **Momo:** “Yuufo… No, no, no, it’ll be okay… I promise...”

_Momo notices that Uchukaze is wrapping her arms around her waist, quivering in fear. She comforts her by bringing the little alien up and keeping her warm and patting her back. Teza looks at her friends and winces at the sight of Uchukaze in emotional pain. She grabs the tetherball pole that’s still somehow on her back and points it at Monokuma._

**Teza:** “You. Bear? How many hours do we have?”

 **Monokuma:** “Hmmmm…. Does it matter? As long as you can find as many clues as you can and figure it out, that shouldn’t be a problem!”

_Teza grits her teeth. I’ve never seen her this scary before…_

**Sutori:** “Excuse me, but… What’s the catch?”

_Monokuma makes this questioning noise. It kind of sounds like this one noise a 2 dimensional paper plumber makes when confused about something._

**Monokuma:** “Catch? Oh, whatever do you mean?”

 **Sutori:** “I do remember you telling me that this is indeed a killing game. Emphasis on the word  ‘game.’ There must be some incentive to have us find out which one of us is the murderer of this poor sap, hence the ‘game’ part of this whole thing. What exactly do we get if we find them? What do we get if we don’t?”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh! Of course, how could I forget! If you find the killer, they’ll be executed! But, if you all fail to find the killer… everybody BUT the killer will be executed instead!”

 **Shiiva:** “W-What?!”

 **Adrian:** “S-Seriously, dude?! SERIOUSLY?!”

 **Sairento:** “Ahahahaha! More! Give us more!”

 **Monokuma:** “Upupupupu! Sorry, it just slipped my mind!”

 **Yoshi:** “Ngh…!”

_Monokuma seems to hit his head with his knuckles in a very cutesy way, with a star falling effect and everything. Yoshi’s gripping the right side of her head, and gripping on harder to Rakku’s shoulder._

**Yoshi:** “Ghh…. No… No…! God damn it, no!”

 **Rakku:** “L-Le-”

_Yoshi then puts the revolver to her head and starts pulling the trigger. Again, Five chambers in a row. All of them, empty. When she’s done, she takes a deep breath, and starts to breathe deeply. Oh, wait, now she’s pointing the gun upward. Everybody’s covering their ears and bracing for impact._

**Rakku:** “W-Wait… U-Unload the gun this time!”

_Everybody’s still staring at Yoshi with those same horrific stares, while Yoshi almost looks at Rakku with contempt, before that look calmed down and looked more… scared than anything?_

**Yoshi:** “Eh? What’d you just fuckin’ say?”

 **Rakku:** “Just… Just take out the bullet. Please?”

_Yoshi stares at Rakku for a bit, before unloading the bullet from her revolver and putting it back in her uniform. She sighs and starts to look… melancholic._

**Yoshi:** “Tch… W-Whatever...“

_Satoumi shakes his head._

**Satoumi:** “God… What a bitch.”

 **Leftside:** “Rehh. Agreed.”

**Nikku:**

_Yoshi doesn’t reciprocate. She just stares at him and looks away. Rakku seems worried about her._

_I don’t get any of this. Did Yoshi really take Rakku captive? Is Rakku the one keeping her captive? Oh, maybe she’s got stockholm syndrome!_

_Kusubishi puts her hand on her hip and makes a pointing motion with her finger._

**Kusubishi:** “Hey, Hey. There’s no room for fighting right now. We don’t have a way to get out of this, so the only thing we can do right now is comply and make sure we don’t die.”

_Adrian, still in his femme girl outfit and Maekaa passed out on his back is still shaking._

**Adrian:** “B-But… Another one of us has to.. d-die, dude…..”

 **Kusubishi:** “Yes… It’s very unfortunate. But, we don’t have any other choice. I’m sorry.”

_Shiiva puts her sweater sleeves up to her face._

**Shiiva:** “This, This is insane! All of this is insane!”

_I agree… This is all so messed up…  Who…_

_Who would do something like this? Placing 16 poor souls into a game where they have to just, die?! Who would just, do that?!_

_I have to speak up… I have to stand up to him! Right here, right now!_

**Kanekawa:** “W-We won’t have to-”

 **Monokuma:** “Puhuhuhuhuhu! Well, have fun investigating!”

_Monokuma disappears back into the lack of reality. Aw man. I didn’t get to do anything there. Rakku puts the gun back in her jacket, and starts yelling at the whole group._

**Rakku:** “Ghh… Fucking hell. Alright, Listen up! I’m the only cop here, but I want this whole whangdoodle to go around and help me figure out what the hell’s happening! If we don’t… the majority of us will be executed, pal...”

 **Shiiva:** “B-But, what about the killer…?”

_Rakku puts her hat over her eyes._

**Rakku:** “...Even if they deserve the right to live. There’s simply nothing we can do about it, pal.”

 **Shiiva:** “T-That’s so morbid!”

_Sutori steps in._

**Sutori:** “I must agree. This almost seems like a game of the trolley dilemma. It’s official name is the Trolley Problem, but I much like these words better. A problem where we have to decide whether or not we kill 5 people, or we kill one person. It doesn’t matter if that one person is a serial murderer, what matters is that it’s still one person.”

 **Kusubishi:** “To be fair, We were going to have a talk about who to sacrifice before we all got told the motivation was a lie…”

 **Teza:** “Yeah. We’re not very ethical, you know? Yeah....”

 **Leftside:** “Grrrr…!”

_Rakku readjusts her hats and points forward._

**Rakku:** “Alright, I want everybody to help investigate the area. I’ll be going around as the prime detective because, well. I am one, pal.”

_Then, she puts her hand on Yoshi’s shoulder. Everybody’s been entrusted to walk around the airport and figure out how Fellboomers ended up in the vent, so they walk out._

_...Wait, is she placing trust in me to help solve a murder case? That’s never happened to me before!_

_Is this feeling for her love? I gotta impress her!_

**Rakku:** “Alright, Yoshi? It’s okay if you have to sit this one out. You can go back to your room if you need to rest.”

 **Yoshi:** “No… It’s fine, alright? I can-”

 **Kanekawa:** “HMMMM UHHHHHHH I’M GONNA INSPECT THE BODY NOW”

_Rakku and Yoshi turns and looks at me with confusion. Great, now’s my chance!_

_Hmmm… The body’s…. Covered in blood! Or is it?_

**Kanekawa:** “UHHHH FROM WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM’S NECK IS DRENCHED IN SOME WEIRD PINK SUBSTANCE”

_Rakku looks at me like I’m some idiot. I think I did good!_

**Rakku:** “...Uh. Pal, What’re you talking about? It’s covered in blood.”

 **Kanekawa:** “I DO DECLARE ITS- Wait, what? But, blood isn’t pink. It’s red. This liquid is clearly pink.”

 **Yoshi:** “Hey, Piss drinker. You colorblind?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Pretty sure that I’m not. By the way, Yoshi-san. Did you recently dye your hair pink, too?”

_Yoshi doesn’t answer back. Uh oh. Am I actually colorblind? Must be a side effect of drinking all of that pee. Oh well!_

**Rakku:** “Alright, just step aside for a bit a let me handle this, pal… Hmm…..”

_Rakku examines the body and the area. Moving him around, examining parts of his body, etc._

**Rakku:** “Well, it’s safe to say the victim died bleeding out from some sort of knife wound across his neck. The neck wound specifically smells like one of his damn avocados. His foot appears to be really bruised, so something must’ve hit him hard there. And if we look inside where he crawled through…”

 **Rakku:** “Then we can see there’s one half of an avocado that’s split in half, with the inside part covered in his blood. Knowing how stupid that bastard is, he probably used it to try and put pressure on his wound. The idiot could’ve used his jacket, but...  There’s no signs he even tried to take it off. This seems to be the only explanation. Alright, I should walk around and see what else is there…”

_! Oh, wait a minute!_

**Kanekawa:** “Oh! Let me come with you! I can help with your investigation!”

_Yoshi has a look of dismay._

**Yoshi:** “Hey, Who the hell do you think you-”

 **Rakku:** “Hey, Yoshi, just. Just let him come along. It’ll be a lot less of a hassle than just… negotiating with him.”

 **Yoshi:** “Ughh….. Fine.”

_Oh boy! I get to hang out with Rakku! Oh, and Yoshi too. This is gonna go great!_

_As we walked out and took the elevator, we entered back into the lobby and started to pass through the security area. We came right in time to see Leftside attempting to tackle a very fearful Momo grabbing onto an even more scared Uchukaze. He is stopped by a calm, but determined Teza. She’s stopping his palm from reaching the two using her tetherball pole. Satoumi stands on the sidelines, trying to stop the two from clashing._

**Satoumi:** “Hey, Left. Lay off of her, come on.”

 **Leftside:** “M-MURDERERS!”

_Teza doesn’t move an inch. She doesn’t even move her head to talk to her two companions._

**Teza:** “Hey. You two alright?”

_Uchukaze and Momo are still holding onto each other, cowering in fear._

**Teza:** “...Alright. You there, Lefty. Care to explain your reasoning for this?”

 **Leftside:** “Ruined… Date….. Also killed…. Fellboomers... “

 **Teza:** “Oh, You think we did it? Just because we disappeared for a while. I thought somebody with a missing arm would have a smaller frame for blood flow, but I guess it still doesn’t reach your head.”

 **Leftside:** “Ghh! Grr… F… Foos….”

 **Satoumi:** “Hey, Jack! I said to step off!”

_Momo suddenly spoke up._

**Momo:** “Ch-Chikara… P-Please…! Don’t provoke him…!”

 **Uchukaze:** “H-Hhhgn….”

 **Teza:** “...Hmph.”

_Teza pushes Leftside away and put her pole back on her back. She does that motion with her hands where she claps them in an attempt to get the dust off._

**Leftside:** “Feh.”

_Rakku and Yoshi decide to step in._

**Rakku:** “Pardon me, pal… But do you mind if you leave us alone for a little bit? We need to talk to those dames there.”

_Satoumi nods his head and grabs Leftside by pulling him off the ground by his football helmet._

**Satoumi:** “Alright, no problem. Left, come on. Let’s check up on Adrian.”

 **Leftside:** “Grr……”

_When the two walk away, I walk with Rakku and Yoshi up to Momo and Uchukaze for some sort of interrogation. I’ll just stand back and watch for a bit..._

**Rakku:** “Alright, pal. You feeling alright? We need to ask you a few questions if that’s okay.”

_Yoshi points her gun at the three._

**Yoshi:** “We don’t got much time, so you better talk!

_Teza reaches for her tetherball pole._

**Rakku:** “Yoshi?”

 **Yoshi:** “Right. Sorry.”

_Momo slowly lets go of Uchukaze, and decides to help give some testimony. Teza puts her pole back on her._

**Momo:** “Ngh, Alright officer.”

 **Rakku:** “Well, technically I’m a detec-”

 **Uchukaze:** “We were just… trying to mess with those earthlings… We didn’t touch anyone….”

 **Teza:** “Yeah. All we didn’t touch anyone, okay? We just went into his room and did some shenanigans, that’s all.”

 **Rakku:** “And his room was just, unlocked?”

_Momo grabs her chin for a little bit._

**Momo:** “Yeah, it was weird! He didn’t see us either, he and Maekaa were both in the bathroom! We didn’t bother with them, we just found both of their clothes all over the floor, and took Adrian’s clothes only! Then we replaced it with that outfit, which was meant to embarrass him, but in hindsight seems to have only made him stronger.”

_Rakku seems to have pulled out a notebook and pen to write down what she’s saying._

**Rakku:** “I see… Did you happen to pick up anything else?”

 **Momo:** “Oh, we took his wallet too.”

 **Rakku:** “...Why?”

 **Uchukaze:** “We wanted to upset him too… But, there wasn’t even anything of earth’s value in there. No japanese yen or united states dollars in there… Just a small plastic bag of condoms…”

_Oh right… The condom technique that Adrian tried on Maekaa and was able to get working._

**Rakku:** “Hm. Alright, thank you ma’am. Remember, stay strong. You can get through this.”

 **Momo:** “Thanks…”

_We decided to check out the salad shop, considering that’s where we last saw Fellboomers. We see Sairento sitting down on a table._

**Sairento:** “Oh! Rakku-san! Yoshi-san! And… you.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Hello, Sairento-san!”

 **Sairento:** “Yeah… Hey, Rakku-San! Look what I found on this table!”

_Sairento appears to hold up… another wallet? He opens it, and inside it we see… ?!_

**Rakku:** “Hey, what?! Let me see that, pal!”

_Rakku nabs it away and examines the inside. I can’t see it because Yoshi seems to be hogging the rest of the view, but I was able to hear what Rakku was saying._

**Rakku:** “There’s some sort of… small knife in here. It’s a few millimeters long, and appears to be made of out… what can only assume is something that isn’t a regular metal for knives. There’s also a small screwdriver, presumably from FrequencyShack, and some… bloody gloves?”

 **Sairento:** “Yes! Sorry I had to get my dirty bare palms all over it, but I had to alert you about it!”

 **Rakku:** “...Right, pal. There’s also…. huh? That can’t be right.”

 **Sairento:** “Yes, and there’s a vent near this table too which…. Wait, did you just say…?”

 **Rakku:** “Pal, give me a second. Point me to the vent.”

 **Sairento:** “Uh… It’s right over there. But, I-”

 **Yoshi:** “Shut up, boy. Let her do her work.”

_Rakku-san bends down to look at the vent._

**Rakku:** “If it weren’t for the fact that I was born into a pretty good neighborhood, I wouldn’t have guess that this vent is connected to the other one! Which means the vents here are all connected! Not only does that make for a pretty complicated and stupid system, but there’s also another half of an avocado in here with a blood trail!”

_Woah! So perceptive! Yoshi appears to stand there giving a thumbs up._

**Rakku:** “Hey, pal. Kanekawa-san.”

_Oh my god! She’s talking to me!_

**Rakku:** “Look, like… can you check the break room for me?”

_Gasp! She’s giving me a task! Oh my, this is the best day ever!_

**Kanekawa:** “Y-Yes, Rakku-san!”

_I immediately burst through to the break room door, and I find Sutori and Shiiva sitting down on a table, with a safe in the middle!_

**Sutori:** “Aahh, the great Ryou Kanekawa, how nice to see you today. I was searching the area when I happened to find Shiiva-san here investigating the break room, when she came across this really heavy metal safe that is locked with a number pad system and is presumably full of money.”

_Shiiva’s putting on a smile but, for some reason she seems really sweaty._

**Shiiva:** “Y-Yes. That’s definitely what happened...!”

 **Sutori:** “We were examining this metal safe when we realized it’s smell. It was the smell of the fruit! In mexico, it is called the aguacate. It’s the green-”

 **Shiva:** “Look, just call it an avocado. It’s so obvious.”

 **Sutori:** “Well, basically. The safe seems to also have some pieces of avocado on it, too. That, and on the floor we found this avocado core.”

 **Shiiva:** “Aaaaaaand that’s about it.”

_Woah. Such vital evidence! It must point us to who the killer is, obviously! There is determination in my eyes_

**Kanekawa:** “Wow! Thank you, guys!”

 **Shiiva:** “R-Right… Thanks.”

_I run out of the break room, and see Yoshi and Rakku discussing something. I don’t even care about it! I immediately start to interrupt their conversation with my findings!_

**Rakku:** “Right… There’s markings all over the walls…”

 **Yoshi:** “Not only that, but we found that in the fuckin’ trash ca-”

 **Kanekawa:** “Rakku-san! Yoshi-san! I found out there’s a safe that’s really heavy and has the smell of avocados on it!”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “...Wow, uh. Thanks, pal?”

_I did a good today!_

**Kanekawa:** “So what next?”

 **Rakku:** “Um… I guess we go check up on the lovebirds, pal…”

 **Yoshi:** “Alright, whatever, let’s go.”

_We happen to find Maekaa and Adrian on the fountain. Nikku and Kusubishi seems to be taking care of her unconscious body. Adrian, who for some reason has still been in that outfit for a long, is pacing around._

**Adrian:** “L-Look, bro! I was just trying to fuck her in the shower, that was it! I didn’t notice anything else, I was trying to get my dick wet!”

 **Rakku:** “...Thanks for that, Adrian.”

 **Adrian:** “A-Anyways, I-Is she okay?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh, she’s alright! She’s just still passed out from shock is all!  <3”

**Nikku:**

**Adrian:** “Oh, thank god… Didn’t expect you dudes to keep her healthy.”

 **Yoshi:** “Well, it’s definitely not the first time I’ve heard of self care usin’ just a microwave and some naked women.”

 **Rakku:** “Oh, wait, I think she’s waking up.”

_Maekaa, lying down on the fountain and getting her head rested on Kusubishi’s lap, starts to open her eyes. Her sight’s greeted with Kusubishi’s “top.”_

**Maekaa:** “Hh… Huh…? O-O-OH! UHHHHHKUSUBISHISENPAIHOWNICETOSEEYOUATYOURBREAST i mean best”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hehe. It’s alright, hun.~”

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “W-Wait, where’s Adria- Oh.”

_Maekaa takes a look at Adrian, who mind you, is still in his extremely cute dress. They exchange stares for a complete minute._

**Adrian:** “...”

 **Maekaa:** “...”

 **Adrian:** “Uh. L-Look, bro.”

 **Maekaa:** “Adrian… Are you?”

_Adrian starts to scratch the back of his head at a speed faster than the human eye. He’s about as red as that bow on his head._

**Adrian:** “L-L-Look, dude! Those girls I was telling you about, they just, stole my clothes and gave me this, okay?!”

 **Maekaa:** “O-Oh, that’s all that it is… W-Wait, Don’t we have multiple sets of clothes?”

 **Adrian:** “...R-Right. I-I just f-forgot about that, b-bro.”

_Maekaa waves her hands in a panicked manner once again._

**Maekaa:** “W-Well! I still think you’re like, extremely cute in that outfit! Heck, you might even be more attractive if I’m being honest!”

_Adrian’s blushing a hot red._

**Adrian:** “...Y-You really think so?”

_Maekaa blushes the exact same shade and looks down._

**Maekaa:** “Y-Yes. Uh. That reminds me, I was going to give you- !”

_Maekaa dug through her pockets, and started to pat down her clothes. Is she missing something?_

**Maekaa:** “Oh no… I dropped it...! I...”

_Suddenly, the airport’s intercom system sprung to life. We all heard that stupid bear’s voice._

**Monokuma:** “Hello, Hello, yes, ummm…. Dear students, your flight is going to be taking off soon. Please report to the airport terminal immediately for your trip. I repeat, please report to the terminal immediately. Thank you!”

 **Maekaa:** “Umm… What’s happening?”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh yeah, Fellboomers was just murdered, and now we have to figure out who killed him. Depending on whether or not we find the killer, either that one person dies or the rest of us dies instead.”

 **Maekaa:** “   “

_Maekaa looks like she’s about to pass out again. Adrian grabs her._

**Adrian:** “T-Touinki, Don’t pass out on me bro! We can get through this, I promise!”

 **Maekaa:** “I… There’s…. So much… Carry me, Adrian…”

 **Adrian:** “R-Right! Let’s go to the airport terminal, right now!”

 **Rakku:** “Roger that, pal.”

_We all got to the airport terminal and saw that the bars to the airplane docking were gone. All 15 of us are standing near the entrance, seeing that hallway to the airplane’s door._

**Rakku:** “Haven’t been on one of these aircrafts in a while…”

 **Satoumi:** “So like, what? Do we just walk in and get on?

 **Momo:** “I mean. I guess?”

 **Leftside:** “Hmph.”

 **Sairento:** “Hehehe… This is going to be so much fun!”

 **Yoshi:** “Yeah, Shut the fuck up? Thanks.”

_We all walked inside, and started to board the plane. I sat with Rakku and Yoshi. Adrian, Maekaa, and Kusubishi sat together. Satoumi, Leftside, and Nikku sat in their end too. The three girls expectedly sat together, with the remainder being Sutori, Shiiva, and Sairento. Our flight attendant was Monokuma, decked out in a flight attendant’s outfit._

**Monokuma:** “Hello, and welcome to our despair flight!”

 **Sairento:** “Heh. I have a better outfit than that!”

 **Shiiva:** “Trust me, you don’t.”

 **Monokuma:** “Reminder that there are vomit bags in the pockets in front of you, lifejackets are underneath the seat, and there’s an emergency door for when one of you need to throw out an annoying crying baby!”

 **Momo:** “W-Wait, Monokuma, I’m afraid of heights!”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh? You are? TOO BAD! Now let’s get this thing flying! I gotta get to the cockpit so I can fly this thing!”

 **Momo:** “Oh…”

 

 

_The plane started to take off, and just about as sure as some of our ears popping, we were flying. The take off was actually kind of nice, it took like, 15 minutes to get off the ground and into the air, but we managed! Some people are trying to comfort each other, some are more excited, and some are just kind of waiting it out. Kusubishi’s sitting at the window seat with Adrian and Maekaa and starts talking with them._

**Kusubishi:** “...Hey, Hon, can you and your boyfriend move? I have to like, take a massive poop in the airplane bathroom.”

 **Maekaa:** “Oh, sure! I-....”

 **Adrian:** “...”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hm? What?”

 **Maekaa:** “Nothing, it’s just…”

 **Adrian:** “We just, forgot you do that, bro…”

_Kusubishi waves her hand in a back and forth motion._

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, don’t worry! As the Ultimate Nudist, this situation often happens. Now just scoot over for a bit, would you?”

_She gets up and scoots past the two sitting down, leaving them in a weird mixed state of feelings. One emotion from the sudden shock of the situation and one from how she just shook her bush in front of the two._

**Adrian:** “...”

 **Maekaa:** “...”

 **Kanekawa:** “Hm… I wonder if-”

_Rakku puts a finger pointing up in front of my mouth._

**Rakku:** “Don’t even say it. Don’t even think about it, pal.”

 **Yoshi:** “Aaagh, how long is this going to take?!”

_A few moments later, after Kusubishi’s returned to her seat and Adrian looking a little worried about her seat for no particular reason, Monokuma in the same flight attendant outfit comes in with the snack cart, serving drinks and snacks. He pulls up to Shiiva, Sutori, and Sairento first._

**Monokuma:** “Hello there! Do you kids want anything from the snack cart?”

 **Sutori:** “Ah, no thanks.”

 **Sairento:** “As much as I appreciate your offer, I don’t want anything.”

 **Shiiva:** “Um, I think I’ll take a meal if you have something.”

 **Monokuma:** “Great! Here you go!”

_Monokuma hands her a slightly warm TV Dinner and some weird off brand juice that’s supposed to be healthy._

**Shiiva:** “...Good to see your airport food’s still great as any other one’s ever.”

_Monokuma pushes the trolley up some more, now he’s at Satoumi’s seats._

**Satoumi:** “Let me just take some root beer, please.”

 **Leftside:** “Dickers. Chocolate bar.”

**Nikku:**

_Monokuma gives the others their sweets, while he puts a bag of chips inside Nikku, setting it to heating up for 2 minutes. Now he looks at the girls and asks for their orders._

**Momo:** “Uh, hold on a second. Weren’t you flying the plane?”

_Monokuma pauses._

**Monokuma:** “...Oh yeah, oops!”

_W-What?! The plane’s now starting to tip over at a vertical angle! The oxygen masks suddenly dropped from the plane’s ceilings!_

**Shiiva:** “What’s happening?!”

 **Momo:** “Are we seriously going to crash?!”

 **Satoumi:** “Fuck, I spilled my soda!”

_People are now collectively screaming and panicking. They would put on the oxygen masks, but there wasn’t a good enough flight attendant to show us how to use them. Damn! The one time they don’t make us go through it, and we forget!_

**Rakku:** “E-Everybody stay calm! I actually remember how to put them on! That, and I know where the life rafts are and how to operate an emergency exit! First, yo-”

_The plane violently crashed through some sort of wall. Miraculously, it didn’t explode, nobody got hurt, and we all somehow ended up back at a 180 degree angle._

**Momo:** “I really wish I didn’t have to fly on another plane again!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Hgn…”

 **Maekaa:** “This is… I.. I’m going to have a heart attack today…!”

 **Adrian:** “No, No, No! Don’t die on me yet!”

 **Kusubishi:** “I don’t think any of us apprieciated that...”

 **Monokuma:** “Yeah, Yeah, Whatever. Everybody get off the plane now!”

_We all got off the plane, scared that we all just basically almost died, and looked at our surroundings. Are we in some sort of courthouse? I don’t get it. There appears to be 16 different stands, all in a circle. There’s one chair at the side, higher than the stands, and there’s a huge tv screen at the top. Monokuma jumps out of the cockpit seat and into the chair, out of that ridiculous looking outfit._

**Monokuma:** “Alright! It’s time, kiddos! Take your places and let’s get to debating, right now!”

 **Leftside:** “Gh…”

 **Rakku:** “Monokuma…”

 **Yoshi:** “Guess we’ve… got no other choice, huh?”

 **Teza:** “Uh huh? We only gotta walk foward, right? Right.”

 **Maekaa:** “I-I’m scared…”

 **Sairento:** “Ooohh man! I can’t wait to get started!”

_There was a multitude of different reactions, and yet all of them has the same connotation of a menacing context. We’re about to try and debate with each other to figure out who killed him…_

 

_Locke Fellboomers… He was a rich white conservative asshole from the United States, who couldn’t even get his political commentary right… He was weirdly obsessed with avocados, But despite all that, he…. uh…._

_Yeah, I got nothing. He’s kind of worthless._

 

_We’re about to open up the curtain… The curtain of despair… One that leads to a trial._

 

_A Trial of Life and Death, with the class of Life and Death. Lies of Life and Death. Betrayals of Life and Death. Mysteries of Life and Death. Harsh Realities of Life and Death. Judgement of Life and Death. Justice of Life and Death. Piss of Life and Death. Avocados of Life and Death. Microwaves of Life and Death. Sodas of Life and Death. Sex of Life and Death. Baked goods of Life and Death. Guns of Life and Death. Flappers of Life and Death. Films of Life and Death. Money of Life and Death. Arms of Life and Death. Elevators of Life and Death. Brothers of Life and Death. CPUs of Life and Death. Foreigners of Life and Death. Sports of Life and De-_

**Uchukaze:** “What’s with that earthling obsessed with his own excrement…?”

 **Momo:** “He’s just, Not moving. Is he having a stroke?”

 **Teza:** “Yeah, give me a second?”

_Vore of Life and Death. Preds of Life and Death. Prey of Life and Death. Cars of Life and Death. Boys of Life and Death. Blobs of Life and-_

**Kanekawa:** “Ow! Ahh.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Did you just hit me with your tetherball by making sure it aimed with perfect accuracy?”

 **Teza:** “You know who I am.”

 **Rakku:** “Hey, pal, Get over here! The trial is about to start!”

 **Kanekawa:** “Oh! Right!”

_I take my stand, and the class trial starts to begin. Right now, we are going to find out who is the blackened… In just a few moments, we'll find them._

 

_Whether it’d be for Justice, or for Fun._

 

_For Love or for Hate._

 

_For Spite or for Misery._

 

_We will find out who they are._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey didn't think i'd be able to work the title in did you
> 
> no idea how i'm gonna place the circle you guys make it up or smth idk
> 
> take a guess who the killer is because i eat that shit up


	5. DRSM Chapter 01 - That was full of despair. Now let's get horny! Part 3 - Class trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh shit, boys! Lots of drama and stuff happens with our protagonist in this chapter! Because it's the chapter where the class trial happens! That's pretty neat!
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**CLASS TRIAL --- BEGIN!**

**Monokuma:** “Now! I would like to take this time to explain the class trial! Although, if you’re here then you should already know how it works! Regardless, I’ll tell.”

 **Monokuma:** “During the class trial, the 15 of you bastards will debate about how the victim died, and who the blackened is! Afterwards, you will get to vote, and if you vote correctly… Only the blackened gets to die, and the rest of you are free to continue the killing game! But if you choose the wrong one…”

 **Monokuma:** “Then each and every single one of you will die! Save for the blackened, who is free to walk away with their motivational prize!”

_We all stood around in the courtroom-like circle, with Monokuma sitting on his giant judge-like throne. I’m trying to get a good look at him, but his seat’s across from Rakku’s stand. I have to awkwardly look at him by turning my head. The trio of boys and the trio of girls have opposite seats across from each other. Fellboomers still has a seat, but it’s replaced with a picture stand about as tall as him. The picture is a grayscale photo of him, with a Pink, or presumably Red X on him. No, not just an X. It’s two avocado slicers, stylized to look like the letter._

_Rakku calmly pulls out her notebook._

**Rakku:** “So, we just have to talk with each other and, figure out who done the bastard in, right pal?”

_Shiiva is shaking in her boots._

**Shiiva:** “T-This is still…. Really morbid…!”

_Kusubishi puts her hand near her chin._

**Kusubishi:** “We don’t really have much of a choice, hon.”

_Uchukaze is really scared, with Momo looking concerned for here, and Teza’s expression unchanging from neutral._

**Uchukaze:** “...”

 **Momo:** “So… where do we even begin?”

_Sairento jumps in place with his hand up._

**Sairento:** “Oh, Oh! How about where the victim died?”

_Sutori pushes up their glasses._

**Sutori:** “Well, that is indeed an important topic. Ending up all the way in someone’s vent is an impressive feat if you ask me. Especially considering he tried to stop the bleeding with one of his signature avocados.”

_The boys are trying to think about it. Adrian seems the most distant right now, considering his dress of state._

**Satoumi:** “So we just have to figure out how he even got there.”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah, dude… How’d he get there?”

 **Leftside:** “Haaah……”

_Maekaa, distracted by Adrian’s cute feminine outfit, takes notice of Leftside’s aggression._

**Maekaa:** “Uh… L-Leftside? What’s wrong?”

_Yoshi slams her gun on the podium._

**Yoshi:** “If ya’ got something to say, you better be fuckin’ sayin’ it!”

_Leftside stares at the ground for a second, before proceeding to grip tightly onto his podium and raise his voice at Yoshi._

**Leftside:** “It was… THOSE GIRLS…!”

 **Uchukaze:** “...”

 **Teza:** “Oh yeah? On what claim?”

 **Leftside:** “You were… gone… You were SABOTAGERS…!”

_Momo proceeds to scrunch up her fists and argue back at Leftside. Nikku backs her up._

**Momo:** “Just because we were missing in action for most of the day and pranked your dudebro there doesn’t mean we went as far as killing someone and putting them in his vent!”

**Nikku:**

**Leftside:** “You work with computers…. Screwdrivers…!”

 **Teza:** “Your point?”

 **Leftside:** “Vents… SCREWS….!”

 **Sutori:** “Hmmm. I see what he’s getting at. To open one of the vents, you’d have to have a screwdriver due to the covers being screwed into the walls. Unless you happen to have huge muscle strength like Leftside, giving you the ability to rip it off, you’d be a little peeved with it.”

_Momo pulls out her screwdriver. She appears to have also taken out a vial of liquid nitrogen for added effect._

**Momo:** “H-Hey! These things are only for building computers, Coach Jeff! I would never use them for murdering! ...Even if he was kind of an asshole.”

 **Uchukaze:** “...She’s right… I’ve never seen her without her advanced technological tools… She’s an earthling unconsumed by the shortcomings of this planet’s sociological history…”

_Uchukaze hasn’t stopped quivering, but she seems a lot more confident now._

**Uchukaze:** “Hacchan never uses them for corrupt reasons. She wouldn’t kill a primitive earthling just like that.”

_Satoumi looks at Momo, sipping on a can of soda and puzzled by something._

**Satoumi:** “Wait a minute. You really do just carry that stuff all the time? For what reason?”

 **Momo:** “Uh, Hello! Overclocker! It’s kind of what I do!”

 **Satoumi:** “So, you could have unscrewed the vents at any time.”

_The frustration drains from Momo’s face and turns into fear._

**Momo:** “N-No..! I swear, We didn’t kill him! G-Guys?!”

_Maekaa’s twiddling with her thumbs and seems as equally afraid._

**Maekaa:** “I-I just don’t know how to help you! I just woke up two hours ago!”

_Hmmm…. I suddenly remember something I saw earlier. Something that could possibly help in proving the girl’s innocence. I gotta think. What did I see…?_

**MAKE YOUR ARGUEMENT!**

_The room suddenly starting spinning in my head. Loud dubstep-like music started to play and I saw my “Truth Bullets.” Arguments for getting closer to what really is reality._

**_Wallet_ **

**_Halved Avocado_ **

**_Autopsy Report_ **

**_Your Vore Fanfiction that you wrote a few hours ago_ **

**_Adrian’s exposed butt, which is exposed because his skirts accidentally tucked upwards_ **

_Each piece of dialogue started to fly by, and I started to look at everybody and their words as if they were being filmed with dynamic camera angles._

**Leftside:** “Screwdriver…. at all times…!”

 **Momo:** “I’m telling you, I didn’t use it in that way!”

 **Uchukaze:** “I’ve been with this advanced specimen the whole day… She’s right!”

 **Shiiva:** “I-I don’t mean to be a buzzkill, but that’s not exactly enough, you know?”

 **Teza:** “Tch. Why not?”

 **Sutori:** “Hm, well they don’t exactly have much proof. This isn’t something you can just doubt on the spot.”

 **Yoshi:** “That seems kind of pretentious and stupid, Don’tcha think?”

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “M-Maybe there was another tool that was used…?”

 **Sairento:** “Ah! Maybe-”

 **Adrian:** “S-Shit! Dude! How long has my skirt been stuck like that?!”

_Aha!_

_Right there! Now I just gotta take the_ **_Wallet_ ** _bullet and… bam!_

 **Kanekawa:** “You’ve got that wrong!”

 **Adrian:** “...D-Dude? What?”

_Oh. Oops, I think I hit the wrong yellow words. Was Adrian’s comment not the one?_

**Adrian:** “A-Are you saying my skirt wasn’t showing anything weird, bro?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Nope! We didn’t see those cute blue striped panties of yours. ♡”

 **Adrian:** “A-Ah. Nice. Thanks bro!”

 **Maekaa:** “...You’re… Welcome…?”

_Kusubishi leans and whispers._

**Kusubishi:** “(There was a picture of an otter too!)”

 **Maekaa:** “...”

_Huh. That wasn’t it. Maybe if I replay the argument over, I can get it again._

**Kanekawa:** “Hey, uh… Can everybody just repeat what they just said?”

_Everybody starts to stare at me. This is like, the 8th time these past few days. What fun! I must be popular!_

**Yoshi:** “...What the fuck are you on about now?”

 **Kanekawa:** “I like. Need to shoot my truth bullets. So that I can prove my point about what really happened. And uh. Also… Prove… Momo-san’s innocence…”

 **Rakku:** “...Alright, pal, let me take it from here.”

 **Kanekawa:** “Ah, thank you Rai!”

 **Rakku:** “Don’t call me that, buddy.”

_Yoshi spinning her gun. Maybe I should comply just to please Rakku, who is currently pulling out one of her notebooks and pencils. She writes in them for a bit, and then takes something else out._

**Rakku:** “Alright, so this is a wallet we discovered, see? We found it near a vent in the salad place. The contents inside are pretty telling, pal. We’ve got a screwdriver, a bloody pair of gloves, and… some sort of small knife.”

 **Shiiva:** “Small knife…? You mean like, a pocket knife?”

 **Rakku:** “That’s the weird part, pal. This chiv’s a few millimeter long, it’s made out of things I wouldn’t consider standard metal, and it’s also covered in blood. It’s pretty safe to assume it’s the murder weapon, but I’m just wondering why it’s here in this cabbage holder. That does remind me though…”

_Rakku turns her head to Monokuma. He seems to be sleeping and snoring in that big throne of his._

**Rakku:** “Ay, you! You expect us to solve a murder case without some sort of autopsy report, pal?! I wanna know more about this man’s Harlem Sunset here!”

 **Monokuma:** “...Huh? Oh, uh… Yeah, I usually give out these things called the “Monokuma File” but… I thought it was too obvious for this case, y’know? Too easy…”

 **Yoshi:** “Sounds like to me like you just fuckin’ forgot to distribute it.”

 **Monokuma:** “Feeeeeh.”

 **Rakku:** “So, judging by the contents of the wallet, including the screwdriver, we can conclude that Momo wasn’t the one who offed this egg.”

_Momo flails her arms around again. A little bit of liquid nitrogen and some spare CPU parts flies around. She better be careful with that!_

**Momo:** ”See?! What the crap did me and Yuufo tell you?!”

_Leftside readjusts his football helmet._

**Leftside:** “...Could have another.”

_Now Momo’s suddenly aggressively holding her hands up in a tidy manner._

**Momo:** “In the same size for the screw?! Alright there Yang, pat me down if you like, but I got nothing!”

_Adrian suddenly takes up a sudden interest..._

**Adrian:** “Dude, Can I like, do it? Can I tou- Woah!”

_...And is quickly shot down by Teza, who just put down her pole, grabbed one of Momo’s packs of liquid nitrogen, and hit her tetherball specifically so that it hit near Adrian. He’s now frozen in fear._

**Teza:** “Hey, You think I’m gonna let that slide? You think it’s okay to just creep on women like that? If you think you can just try it over and over, normalizing that kind of behavior, you’ve got another thing coming, yeah?”

 **Adrian:** “I-I’m sorry bro! I was under stress, I couldn’t t-think much, and I saw an oppurtu-”

 **Teza:** “I don’t care what your excuse is, okay? You try that shit again with any random girl and I’ll make sure the next ball I test out on this pole will be one of yours, and it won’t be as pretty as that dress.”

 **Uchukaze:** “...”

 **Momo:** “...”

_As Momo and Uchukaze stay silent, Adrian’s now shaking in his stand. Oh jeez, Hope that wasn’t too strong._

**Adrian:** “I-I-I’m sorry, I won’t d-do that a-a-again, b-bro.”

_Yoshi’s spinning her gun around her finger like she’s some sort of cheetah. Wait, that’s not right. An ocelot, maybe?_

**Yoshi:** “Hey, We got like, a fuckin’ murder case here? Can we fucking hurry it up already?!”

 **Leftside:** “...Geh. Bitch.”

 **Yoshi:** “What’d you just fuckin’ say?!”

_Yoshi makes a small growling noise._

**Rakku:** “Yoshi.”

_She stops._

**Yoshi:** “...Right, sorry.”

 **Rakku:** “Alright fellas. Now if you ask me, I think the answer to who murdered this sap lies in this wallet that was found near the vent, which is safe to say, where the injury happened to take place.”

_Satoumi crosses his arms and looks at Rakku calmly with direct eye contact._

**Satoumi:** “That seems simple enough. Just find out who wore the bloody gloves inside the wallet.”

 **Sairento:** “Oh geez! I, a small man in a bellboy uniform, wonder who could have done it!”

_We all stay a little quiet. We don’t know who’s gloves these are, and we have to figure it out._

**Sairento:** “...Man, my palms sure are cold from the atmosphere!”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Adrian:** “...”

 **Kusubishi:** “...”

_Still quiet._

**Sairento:** “...Like, really cold!”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

 **Shiiva:** “...”

 **Uchukaze:** “...”

_Still so quiet._

**Sairento:** “...Really cold!”

 **Maekaa:** “...But it’s so hot right now…”

 **Sutori:** “Quite so. Nikku-San seems to have come outfitted with a digital thermometer. She currently says it's 94 Degrees.”

**Nikku:**

**Sutori:** “Fahrenheit.”

 **Sairento:** “Huh, Now isn’t that odd?”

_...Jeez, Not even I have control over conversations like this._

**Satoumi:** “...”

 **Teza:** “...”

 **Momo:** “...”

 **Leftside:** “...WAIT.”

_Leftside points his only index finger up along with Sairento jumping up in his podium, flashing a huge grin on his face._

**Sairento:** “Yeah?!”

 **Leftside:** “Your gloves…”

 **Sairento, waiting in anticipation:** “YEAH?!”

 **Leftside:** “You…”

 **Sairento, with the biggest fucking smile you’ll ever see:** _“_ _YEAH?!_ _”_

_Leftside glares at him intently. I think he knows something!_

**Leftside:** “...You forgot them.”

 **Sairento:** “...O-Oh, I-I see. I-I’ll be more careful next time, sir.”

_Sairento smiles, but there’s a bulging vein on his temple._

**Shiiva:** “...W-Wait. Aren’t those gloves in the wallet your glov-”

 **Sairento:** “WHY YESSSSSSSSSSSSS”

_Sairento slams his podium and looms over the edge of it. There’s a single sweatdrop from Shiiva’s face. What’s Sairento doing?_

**Sairento:** “OHHH MY HOW CLUMSY OF ME TO HAVE EVEN LEFT THOSE THERE OHHH NOOOOO”

_...Noooo._

**Momo:** “...Wait. D-Did you…?”

 **Maekaa:** “N-No…!”

 **Shiiva:** “...”

_B-But how….?_

**Satoumi:** “No way.”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude… You can’t be serious…”

 **Kusubishi:** “Aw. And I thought that you were kind of cute too.”

**Nikku:**

_H-He…. He murdered Fellboomers…?_

**Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “...”

_I… He was the…?_

**Kanekawa:** “You… You sick bastard!”

 **Sairento:** “Hahahaha! You all figured it out, huh?”

_Sairento throws out his arms in a showy manner. He has the smile of a deranged lunatic. His bellboy hat almost falls off of him, but he catches it in time._

**Sairento:** “Yes! It was me! I was the one who murdered that fruit collector, Locke Fellboomers! It was me! _The almighty Yuuro Sairento!_ ”

_Now he’s throwing his hat up into the air, twirling around and catching it._

**Sairento:** “I did it… I saw that Fellboomers-San, I took this small knife I found, I sliced it across his throat and pulled it out! I decided to make him suffer by pulling out the knife, putting him in a vent with this screwdriver I got from FrequencyShack, and watched him as he suffers trying to escape! But I had bloody gloves, Oh no! So I hid the dirty equipment in my wallet, and it looked like I dropped it! So close!”

_He… I can’t believe it. We were face to face with this… Mad Man the whole time!_

**Kanekawa:** “You… Why did you…?”

_Sairento tips his hat._

**Sairento:** “Oh, me? I just _looooove_ the release of someone else’s soul from their body! I’m actually a massive undetected serial killer!”

 **Uchukaze:** “H-Haaahh…..”

 **Teza:** “What the fuck?”

_Now he’s doing spins on his podium?!_

**Sairento:** “Yes… Me! Someone who looks as bland as me, actually an undetected silent murderer! Being a lift attendant is perfect, because nobody ever questions the lift attendant!”

 **Sutori:** “Hmph. You’re nothing more than human filth, I see.”

 **Kanekawa:** “You… You SICK FUCK…!”

_I… I can’t believe this…! I was here with a very dangerous murderer! I can’t believe I let that man near everybody! He doesn’t even have a tragic past or a purpose for killing, he just… loves it?! This man makes me sick to my stomach._

_That’s when Rakku and Yoshi interjected._

**Rakku:** “Yes, you must be very proud of yourself, huh pal?”

 **Sairento:** “Why, Yes!”

 **Yoshi:** “And if you hadn’t dropped your wallet, Ya’ would’ve gone undetected, huh?”

 **Sairento:** “Yup!”

_The sick bastard’s now placing his elbows on the podium and scrunching his facial cheeks._

**Rakku:** “Ah. Okay then Mr. Serial Killer. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind explaining something else in the wallet?”

_?_

_Something else? What’s Rakku up to?_

**Sairento:** “Ha… W-What are you talking about, Ma’am?”

 **Yoshi:** “She’s talkin’ about this, ya’ bastard!”

_Rakku pulls out the wallet again, and she showed us the same things again. The Gloves, The Screwdriver, The Knife, The…_

_Condom?!_

_Everybody’s just about as confused as I am. Maekaa seems the most confused out of all of us. I think she is._

**Shiiva:** “What… What the hell is that?”

 **Leftside:** “Eh????”

 **Maekaa:** “W-W-What…?! B-But… But how?!”

_The fucking sick bastard’s sweating a lot._

**Sairento:** “W-What is that?! I’ve never held onto anything like that before!”

 **Rakku:** “This is your wallet, correct? What’s a rubber like this doing in here, huh? You wanna explain that, pal?”

 **Sairento:** “B-But I just said, Ma’am! I’ve never held onto things like that before! I don’t even have sex!”

 **Yoshi:** “Yeah, We kinda already figured that last part, so shut up and listen.”

_Rakku seems to cross out something on her notebook._

**Rakku:** “Look pal… I don’t take you for the klutz type, aight? I’ve inspected that wallet before, and something tells me…”

 **Rakku:** “...that you’ve been lying about what you did there.”

_Huh?! He was…. Lying?_

_All the enthusiasm and sickening joy from Sairento’s face suddenly drained and washed away. He’s no longer enjoying himself._

**Sairento:** “I…”

 **Rakku:** “Look pal, You claim this is your wallet. Okay, sure, fine. But unless you’re secretly a god damn freak, then all this situation is telling me is that you stole someone else’s wallet and planted it at the murder scene. Normally, a procedure like this would be to pin the crime on whoever you stole from, pal. But for some reason, you tried to make yourself look all hinky! What gives?!”

_Sairento scratches his throat. I don’t get it either, why go through all that trouble just to incriminate himself?_

_Now he’s back to his regular composure, smiling._

**Sairento:** “Yes, ma’am. I was lying the whole time!”

**Nikku:**

**Momo:** “What the frig’s going on?!”

_Yoshi points her gun at Sairento, holding his hands above his head in an orderly fashion._

**Yoshi:** “Spit out what happened before I blow out your wrists, bub! Our lives are literally at stake here!”

 **Sairento:** “See, I was walking back into the restaurant to check in with all of you when I saw nothing but that Fellboomers guy freaking out about that small knife wedged in his throat! I decided to have some fun, so I got a screwdriver, tricked him into letting me pull out the knife, knocked him down and winded him, and trapped him in the vent! That way, he can die trying to escape!”

_We all stare at him, appalled. I’m honestly not sure if his lie or his truth is worse._

**Yoshi:** “Don’t fuck with us, dammit!”

 **Sairento:** “It’s true, I really did do it!”

 **Rakku:** “But like, why?!”

 **Sairento:** “Because I thought it was fun!”

 **Rakku:** “...Sairento-San.”

 **Sairento:** “Hm?”

 **Rakku:** “You decided to make the murder case more complicated, and attempted to get all of us killed except for the murderer. You saw a man with a knife wedged in his throat, and instead of finding us or getting medical attention, you decided to leave him trapped in a vent.”

 **Sairento:** “...Well-”

 **Rakku:** “Furthermore, you just took some poor loon’s wallet and tried to claim it was yours by putting vital evidence in there, and your gloves. Which, by the way, could only be bloody because you tried to handle the guy. Knowing you in these past few minutes, I could only assume that you purposely got your gloves all over his bloodstains.”

 **Sairento:** “You see-”

 **Rakku:** “Why, pal? Just because you thought it was _fun?_ Did you think it was _interesting?_ Were you trying to _test our own detective abilities?_ Did you think this would end well for you without any dire consequences?”

_Sairento’s no longer smiling._

**Sairento:** “...Doesn’t it make me a morally ambiguous character with their own gray area motives and interesting development?

*Bang!*

 **Sairento:** “Aaah!”

 **Yoshi:** “People are literally fuckin’ dying here!”

 **Momo:** “And even then, you just come off as actively malicious for no real reason!”

 **Leftside:** “Asshole.”

 **Sairento:** “Ah…”

_Sairento doesn’t speak. His spirit and demeanor seems to have completely vanished._

_Satoumi once again plays the straight person here._

**Satoumi:** “So wait, here’s what I don’t get. Wouldn’t pulling out the knife be the cause of death?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hm? What do you mean?”

 **Satoumi:** “Well, if the knife is in, then removing it would be a bad idea because it would have stopped the bleeding. Sure, it’s a bad idea for it to stay in there, but it still prevents blood loss.”

_A few of us are confused._

**Teza:** “Huh? You’re saying removing it would have caused the murder? But the wound was inflicted by the original stabber.”

 **Sutori:** “I think what he saying is that if the small knife wasn’t removed from the victim's throat, the original stabber would have only committed attempted murder.”

_Shiiva hits her palm with her fist._

**Shiiva:** “Oh! So removing the knife would have turned it from assault to murder!”

 **Momo:** “That doesn’t seem fair at all… The wound was created by the first person!

**Nikku:**

**Shiiva:** “I agree… That’s just how it is…”

_Rakku interjects again with more basic facts._

**Rakku:** “That wouldn’t matter, pal. Judging by the direction of the knife and the blood, the knife did get stuck in the victim but it also sliced it open enough for it to bleed a fatal amount.”

 **Shiiva:** “Ah…!”

 **Sairento:** “...”

 **Satoumi:** “Alright. Makes sense. Just wanted to make sure.”

_After all of that, Yoshi suddenly comes in with another question._

**Yoshi:** “Now here’s what I wanna know… Who’s wallet is that?”

 **Maekaa:** “U-Uhh…..”

_Maekaa’s fidgeting while Adrian’s still zoning out._

**Satoumi:** “Adrian, the wallet’s probably yours. It’s got a condom and everything in it.”

 **Adrian:** “...H-Huh? Oh, uh… Y-Yeah, dude, probably is.”

 **Maekaa:** “U-Ummm… If I may…?”

_Momo whips her hand upward and points to her other hand_

**Momo:** “Now wait a minute, we got his wallet right here, don’t we?”

 **Adrian:** “Oh… H-Hey, dude! What the fuck?! Give that back!”

 **Uchukaze:** “Not yet… We’re going to try to blackmail you…. Somehow.”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude!”

_Huh… Who’s wallet could it be…_

**Maekaa:** “U-Uhhmmm…. E-Excuse m-mee….. Rakku-Senpai?”

 **Rakku:** “Huh? What is it, pal?

_Maekaa seems to be fidgeting a lot more than usual this time. What’s she up to?_

**Maekaa:** “U-Uh… C-Can I have my wallet back….?”

_Oh!_

**Rakku:** “Oh, so this is yours then?”

 **Maekaa:** “Y-Yes… Must’ve dropped it earlier during the date...”

_Adrian pushes aside a little bit of his cutsew rubs his shoulders_

**Adrian:** “O-Oh! I get it, dude! You wanted to put the condom on this _massive dong_ yourself!”

 **Maekaa:** “U-Uh… Sure, that’s it.”

_That seems to make sense. At least, it did until Satoumi raised his finger._

**Satoumi:** “Wait, that also doesn’t make sense. You saw he had a bunch of condoms with him before, and I’m pretty sure you’re not the type to just randomly carry that around wherever you go.”

 **Maekaa:** “O-Oh… U-Uh… Um…..”

_Maekaa is getting progressively more and more nervous. Kusubishi’s expression is still unchanged, but there was something about it that you can just tell that she was worried._

**Kusubishi:** “Maekaa-chan, honey…”

 **Adrian:** “Dude, I-I don’t get what’s going on… What, do YOU have a dick, bro?

_Maekaa suddenly looks as if she’s violently shaking._

**Maekaa:** “W-Well… I mean…”

_…_

_..._

_….Oh._

**Adrian:** “....W-What?!”

_Adrian suddenly looks horrified. Combined with his dress and this news, he seems like he’s about to explode into a million pieces. Maekaa seems to be crying a few tears herself. People are suddenly looking at the two. Something’s about to go down._

**Satoumi:** “...”

 **Leftside:** “...”

 **Kusubishi:** “...”

 **Maekaa:** “A-Adrian-Senpai…”

 **Adrian:** “I can’t believe this, dude…”

 **Maekaa:** “T-Trust me, it’s not…”

 **Adrian:** “This whole time…!”

 **Maekaa:** “A-Adrian, I’m”

 **Adrian:** “I’ve been dating a ma-”

 **Maekaa:** “THAT’S NOT IT!”

_Maekaa’s crying and just screamed the loudest thing anybody’s ever yelled in these past few days. She looks devastated and determined to do something._

**Maekaa:** “L-Look! Adrian-Senpai… I don’t know if this is going to work but.. I-I’m going to try and get you i-informed! I-I’m gonna try right here and now…!”

_Kusubishi tries to calm Maekaa with a few words of advice._

**Kusubishi:** “You really don’t have to do this, hon. It’s not your duty.”

_Maekaa doesn’t seem to care. She clenches her fist and takes a stance that makes her look as if she’s ready to fight. She may be crying, but she looks determined to go through._

**Maekaa:** “I-I don’t care! Th-This is my boyfriend…! I need to do something right here and now!”

_She takes a deep breath._

**Maekaa:** “L-Look. Adrian-s-senpai… I’m tr… I’m trans, alright? I’m a trans girl.”

_Adrian looks confused._

**Adrian:** “Huh? So, like what, are you a boy who just became a girl?”

_Maekaa fiddles with some hair in front of her face._

**Maekaa:** “I-It doesn’t exactly work j-just like that… It’s more of a ‘Turns out I’m actually a girl’ rather than what y-you’re describing…”

 **Adrian:** “H-Huh?”

 **Maekaa:** “Gender isn’t determined b-by your sexual o-organs… It’s a social construct, it’s not real. The whole factor of wh-what determines it is messy… but the general consensus is that, you can just be whatever gender you like, regardless of what you look like…”

_Maekaa regains some of her composure and seems to have stopped crying._

**Maekaa:** “P-People always say things like ‘It’d be nice to just be a different gender’ but they don’t realize, they can! Whether you’re on HRT, you’ve got laser surgery, maybe you just want people to recognize you as something without the whole medical procedure stuff. It’s not a clothing thing either, because clothes in reality don’t have a gender either! It’s only a trans thing when the wearer asserts their new identity!”

_She puts her fist on her hip and her chest. Her eyes are still puffy from crying a whole lot, but there’s a lot to take from this._

**Maekaa:** “It’s why we’ve still been calling you using he/him pronouns while you’re still in that dress. Because that’s what you seem the most comfortable with so far! We don’t negatively call you out on not following social expectation because we still appreciate your identity and like you for who you are!”

 **Adrian:** “...Wait, bro, y-you can just, be a girl?”

_Something seems to have clicked inside Adrian. Maekaa’s face lights up as bright as the sun._

**Maekaa:** “Y-Yes!”

 **Adrian:** “...H-How many of these kinds of people are out there?”

 **Maekaa:** “Oh, tons actually! Like, more than you’d think”

 **Adrian:** “A-Are there any e-examples? Are any of these guy tr-trans?”

_Rakku adjusts her hat too._

**Rakku:** “Well, pal, I’ll inform you that I’ve got a dick.”

 **Yoshi:** “I can testify to that.”

 **Rakku:** “L-Le-... Y-Yoshi……”

_As Rakku blushes, other people start joining in._

**Sutori:** “I’m non-binary, meaning I use they/them and don’t conform to any gendered societal norms. But of course, you knew that already.”

 **Kusubishi:** “I actually had surgery and got on HRT a while back!”

 **Momo:** “Me and Teza are trans, we grew up like that.”

 **Teza:** “Yeah, that’s true. Uchukaze? She’s not trans. She’s questioned before, but turns out liking girls doesn’t make you a boy.”

**Nikku:**

**Kusubishi:** "Machines aren't even bound by gender laws!  <3"

_Satoumi looks at his drink for a little bit and proceeds to add his two cents._

**Satoumi:** “Actually… I would like to be called using They/Them.”

 **Adrian:** “D-Dude, w-what? Since when…?”

 **Satoumi:** “Yeah, I have a vagina.”

 **Adrian:** “But, wait, what about that one time…”

 **Satoumi:** “You underestimate the power one can do with their hands.”

 **Adrian:** “S-So, wait, why didn’t you tell me bro?”

 **Satoumi:** “It’s a very complicated manner and honestly just using He/Him was a lot more easier to explain, really.”

 **Adrian:** “O-Oh….”

 **Satoumi:** “That reminds me. Yo, Left. It’s safe now.”

 **Leftside:** “Hmph…. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

_Leftside bends his knees and arm, and creates a burst of energy. There’s huge dust clouds, and when they subside… His faded letterman jacket is open, revealing a white tank top, and a gray denim mini skirt. It’s just as torn as those gray torn jeans he was just wearing before they exploded right off of him. He’s got boots and leggings too, the leggings also beat up and worn out. I think there’s some electricity coming off of him as well._

**Adrian:** “W-Woah.. D-Dude, are you, too…?”

_Leftside takes a deep breath._

**Leftside:** “...No.”

 **Adrian:** “H-Huh?”

 **Leftside:** “I just like the style.”

 **Adrian:** “I-I see..”

_Well, that was a twist. Satoumi puts their hand on Leftside’s helmet._

**Satoumi:** “You the man, Jack.”

 **Yoshi:** “You know… I just wanna point out that Sairento’s attempt at bein’ ‘Mysterious’ resulted in Maekaa getting outed and her havin’ a near mental breakdown, but I’m really glad we had this moment.”

 **Sairento:** “Yeah… That moment was created specifically fo-”

 **Yoshi:** “You say it, and I’ll make sure we’ll have a second trial _specifically for you._ ”

_Sairento shuts up._

**Adrian:** “O-One thing before we go back to the class trial…”

 **Maekaa:** “Oh! Yes? What is it?”

 **Adrian:** “I-Is there anyway to know you might be trans, bro…?”

_Maekaa puts her finger on her chin._

**Maekaa:** “Uh… It’s kinda murky, to be honest. Just as long as you have that desire to change your gender, I would guess. It’s best to ask other people, I’m only one of many experiences in the world!”

 **Adrian:** “Ah… Th-Thanks, bro…”

 **Maekaa:** “...A-Adrian? Are you okay…?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Hm…”

_Kusubishi seems to be a little lost in thought at the sight of Adrian. While that’s going on, Sutori pushes their glasses back up. They shine off the light’s reflection and makes a *Schwing!* effect._

**Sutori:** “Forgive me for interrupting this whole thing, but isn’t it kind of important that we go back to the case at hand? This IS a murder trial where our lives are on the line, you know.”

 **Adrian:** “R-Right! Bro, Wh-Who do you think c-could’ve done it?”

 **Maekaa:** “...Adrian…”

_Rakku pulls out her notes._

**Rakku:** “Well, pal, we can rule out everybody who went to Moondollars… and we can also rule out the girls, Adrian, Maekaa-san, and Sairento-san…. unfortunately.”

 **Sairento:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “Meaning the only canidates who could have been... Sutori and Shiiva.”

_There’s a mood drop. The sweet air suddenly turned into a very bitter one._

**Shiiva:** “... Wait, wait, wait, I swear, it wasn’t me!”

 **Sutori:** “I was sleeping the whole time, It was late.”

 **Rakku:** “Oh, really now…?”

_Rakku lets down her arms to rest, but she still has the look of disregard._

**Rakku:** “Well, pal… it’s gotta be one of you guys. I’ve dealt with interrogations like this before, so I’m gonna skip the flop and turn, and straight ahead to the river.”

_Rakku pulls out the small knife._

**Rakku:** “What’s with this damn knife? Any of you guys know why it’s so tiny?”

 **Shiiva:** “N-No! I haven’t seen that thing before in my life! Why are you accusing me of this?”

 **Sutori:** “Well, I don’t exactly know where that knife is from. I might’ve seen it before, but I’m afraid I don’t know where.”

 **Rakku:** “Hmph… I had a feeling this would happen. Which is why I’ve kept this hidden until now…”

 **Rakku:** “Yoshi, If you please.”

 **Yoshi:** “Got it, Detective. Catch!”

 **Rakku:** “Wait, no!”

_Yoshi throws something directly at Rakku. She ducks, and it seems to have… stabbed through her hat. Rakku takes it out of her fedora._

**Rakku:** “...Be more careful next time, pal.”

 **Yoshi:** “S-Sorry.”

 **Rakku:** “Right, well… any of you fellas wanna explain what’s going on here?”

_Rakku shows us what she’s got. It’s… another one of those small knives! It’s a little… green?_

**Sutori:** “...”

 **Shiiva:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “Alongside some bloody rags from the salad kitchen, We found this in the trash. It’s a little bit different from the other one covered in blood… Judging by how it was placed, We have a feeling someone might’ve accidentally put it there.”

_The two ominously accused stare at the small knife. Nobody knows what to say. What about this knife could lead us to the killer? I mean, let’s see… The one just revealed is just about the same as the other knife. It’s a few millimeters long, it’s made of some sort of weird metal, and the only difference is that instead of being covered in blood, it’s covered in this weird green stuff._

_...Wait._

_Green stuff…? I might have an idea!_

_I slam my desk. I can feel it, in my head._

**Kanekawa:** “GUYS! I figured something out!”

 **Rakku:** “...Oh boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in heaven, I just made Chihiro Fujisaki more happy with her life. Fuck you Kodaka, for treating her that badly.
> 
> but yeaaaa the killer revealed next chapter look forward to it


	6. DRSM Chapter 01 - That was full of despair. Now let's get horny! Part 4 - Class trial and Post Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, it's the killer revealed... Along with some other shit our protagonist has to witness. Come and read now to read some fuck going down! Trigger Warning in Beginning Notes.
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Graphic Depictions of Gore

_ I don’t know why, but the moment I yelled that out, everybody looked at me with a different kind of stare this time. It wasn’t confusion, or disappointment. This time, it was dread. Some sort of fear was radiating off of them. That won’t stop from giving this important piece of information! _

**Yoshi:** “Can we like, stop him?”

**Rakku:** “Let’s just let him speak, pal… He’s gonna insist that we listen to his tomfoolery if we don’t…”

_ I stand up straight and diligently. I have the answer to this whole trial! _

**Kanekawa:** “You see… The amount of piss I’ve dranken has caused my mind and soul to ascend to a higher plane of thinking! I can think at speeds nobody has ever thought at before!”

**Yoshi:** “Yeah, Because the speed is so low that it should’ve been physically impossible…”

**Kanekawa:** “You see… The knife was in the throat, and the knife was also in the trash… The trash knife had some green stuff on it, and you say the knife had metals in it that shouldn’t be in it! You know what else kind of metals have green stuff on it when it shouldn’t?”

_ Shiiva raises an eyebrow, still sweating. _

**Shiiva:** “W-What’s that…?”

**Kanekawa:** “COPPER! And you know what else uses copper?”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “I thought you used plastic.”

**Kanekawa:** “PENNIES! And you know what pennies are?! A COIN. So the killer… is you!”

_ “Kouinsu Shiiva!” _

_ I did it! I was able to figure it out! _

_ Everybody stands there. They must be astonished at my impressive thinking! I knew it, this is what gets me up there with the best! _

**Yoshi:** “...That’s the stupidest fucking theory I’ve ever-”

**Shiiva:** “...I-Is that all you have as proof?”

_ Everybody goes back to being silent. I think that makes 12 times in these past couple of days. _

**Yoshi:** “...”

**Satoumi:** “...”

**Teza:** “...”

_ Now Shiiva’s taken aback. Ha! _

**Rakku:** “What.”

**Adrian:** “No way, d-dude…”

**Maekaa:** “B-But how…?”

_ Sutori buts in with another one of their explanations. _

**Sutori:** “Ah, of course… Now I remember. In 600 to 200 B.C. during the Zhou Dynasty in China, Small Knives used as Commodity Money were in effect. Nobody knows how they were introduced, and some of them were extremely small. They usually have around 55% to 40% copper metals inside of them. They are extremely ancient, and I doubt a Numismatist, a collector who studies various coins and currency, would not know what they are.”

**Shiiva:** “...”

_ Shiiva’s sweating bullets. Amazing! _

**Kanekawa:** “Don’t underestimate the power of my piss! In fact, you should try some!”

**Uchukaze:** “Hm… Maybe I should take some for some human research…”

**Teza:** “...Uh, Uchukaze? It’s in my best interest to tell you not to.”

_ Sairento gets up from his sulking on his podium. He’s got some wrinkles under his eyes and some rage inside of them too. He grits his teeth a little. _

**Sairento:** “All your piss has given me is a really bad stomachache, some severe nausea, and what I’m pretty sure according to some internet searches, is clinical depression! Where’s my superthinking skills?!”

**Kanekawa:** “Ah, maybe you just need more! I’m all out of bottles though, so you’ll have to get it directly from the source…”

**Sairento:** “...I’m going to go back to self loathing now.”

**Momo:** “Wait, was that supposed to be an invitation?

_ As Sairento goes back to putting his head back down, Shiiva’s still shaking in her boots. Her fingers are twitching, her teeth are gritting more than Sairento’s were, and her hair’s getting a little frizzed. She speaks up with uncertainty in her voice. _

**Shiiva:** “Y-Yeah, let’s talk about that actually. Were you trying to get Sairento to suck your dick, Kanekawa?”

_ *Slam!* _

_ Before I had a chance to answer with “No, but he’d be happy to try,” Rakku got extremely pissed and is gripping onto her hat tightly as she loudly slams her stand. _

**Rakku:** “Pal, I should have suspected you as the perp from the start! Not only are you a thief, but you’re a murderer too!”

**Shiiva:** “H-How can you be so sure?!”

**Rakku:** “H-Huh?”

_ Shiiva readjusts her glasses and fanny pack. She’s got a look of distaste on her. _

**Shiiva:** “How can you be so sure that  _ I’m _ the killer, huh? You got any evidence?

**Rakku:** “Hey, pal! Don’t you see where you’re at right now? You’re acting mighty hinky here, and I do believe that’s pretty telling!”

**Shiiva:** “O-Oh yeah? What if you vote for me and it turns out that  _ I’m _ not the killer? What’re gonna do if the blackened were to walk away from all of this just because you doubted me, huh?”

_ That’s when she started butting in. _

**Yoshi:** “This is gettin’ annoying...”

_ Yoshi loads her gun and shoots a bullet near a sleeping Monokuma. He jumps up and awakes. _

**Monokuma:** “Gah! What do you think you’re doing?!”

**Yoshi:** “Hey, Monokuma. Can we like, fuckin’ vote already?”

**Monokuma:** “Oh! Alright then! Everybody, you can all vote now on the buttons in front of you!”

_ A panel on the podium suddenly opened up, and there are buttons and screens on them depicting some sort of casino-like lottery thing. On the side, there’s a screen with various faces that we can choose from, along with a directional pad to scroll through all 15 of our faces. Fellboomer’s face is still there, but he’s in a grayscale coloring scheme. He can’t be selected. _

**Shiiva:** “W-Wait! You’re just gonna vote now?! What about the motive? What if it was Sutori or something?! What if I’m just freaking out and Sutori’s actually the killer here?!”

**Sutori:** “...”

**Adrian:** “...”

**Leftside:** “...”

**Kusubishi:** “...”

**Sairento, still sulking and selecting using his laid down nose:** “...”

**Shiiva:** “...Guys?”

_ Rakku scrolls through the faces and selects her target. _

**Rakku:** “Pal, do you really think courts of law actually care about the motive? Evidence is all that’s needed to figure out who the killer is.”

**Shiiva:** “B-But, W-What if the evidence is wrong?!”

**Rakku:** “You’re literally making yourself look more and more suspicious! If anything, you should’ve just gone with “Ooooh It wasn’t me I swear please guys there has to be something connecting the killer to someone else!” Guess what, pal! Your actions says everything! Come on, everybody! Let’s vote and survive this mess!”

_ They’ve all gone and went ahead to vote. They’re so sure it’s Shiiva now because of my amazing thought process. Because of that, all 15 of us have already voted. _

_ All 15 of us except… _

**Rakku:** “What the hell is the hold up, Kanekawa?!”

_ Me. _

**Kanekawa:** “Oh my god. She’s right. Why WOULD she kill Fellboomers?! What reason would she have for it?! Nobody just murders people for no reason!”

_ Rakku’s jaw has dropped. I must’ve blown her mind! _

**Rakku:** “...Do you not know what a serial killer is, pal?!”

_ Yoshi appears right next to her and puts her hand on her shoulder. _

**Yoshi:** “This is your fault, Rakku. Now you gotta humor him.”

_ Shiiva points at us, her eye twitching behind her glasses, and yells like we’re a group of idiots. We can see her teeth, and they’re extremely threatening. Staying cautious is optimal here. _

**Shiiva:** “Y-Yeah! See?! For what reason would I kill that guy for?!”

_ I gotta think before I vote… Why would she kill him? Why would she kill this man who hates healthcare for the poor, Rights for Minorities, and Science when it points to gender not being a binary and/or a set of rules? It’s…  _

_...It’s so complicated! Damn it, I just don’t know! _

**Rakku:** “I mean… I guess there was that safe with the avocado on it. Knowing that pal over there, she probably tried to steal it. Maybe she thinks there were some valuables in it.”

_ A vein is bulging on Shiiva’s temple. _

**Shiiva:** “B-But, why would there be avocado on it?! It’s not like that asshole would just throw an avocado at anything!”

**Yoshi:** “...”

**Uchukaze:** “...”

**Satoumi:** “...I mean.”

_ Now her arms are spread and her fingers are scrunching up. _

**Shiiva:** “O-Okay, but why on the safe specifically?!”

_ Rakku flips through her notebook. _

**Rakku:** “...Well, the safe’s heavy, see? If that dude had a reason to smash an avocado on it, it’s probably because he threw one at it. So it’s probably because it was coming at him at a very alarming pace. Judging by the broken foot, it was probably thrown on him, pal.”

_ Shiiva clenches. Her fist? Her mouth? Doesn’t matter. She clenches. _

**Rakku:** “Considering how you’re able to throw small knife coins like you did with Sairento, it wouldn’t be out of the question for you to…”

_ And now she screams. She screams at a volume I had believed was not possible to hear with human ears. She’s crying a lot right now, letting the tears drip down her chin and onto her puffy sweater. _

**Shiiva:** “A-AAAAAAAAAAGH! C-COME OOONNNNNNNN!”

_ She slams her elbows and wrist onto her stand. _

**Shiiva:** “Y-YOU KNOW WHAT?! MAYBE I DID KILL HIM! YEAH, I  _ TOOOOTALLY _ DID KILL HIM! STABBED HIM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING NECK WITH SOME STUPID KNIFE! YEP, ME! TOTALLY JUST GOT THESE KNIVES FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE AIRPORT, DEFINITELY!”

_ Sutori smacks the roof of their mouth with their tongue’s tip. _

**Sutori:** “Oh? I do believe you’re forgetting one thing.”

**Shiiva:** “OH YEAH?! WHAT’S THAT?!”

**Sutori:** “Your fanny pack. I’ve seen you pull out your coins from it before, and you seem to have a variety of coins in them. From Yen, to Euros, to American money, to the fabled One Dollar coin, you have a ton of them. If you really aren’t the murderer, then you wouldn’t mind showing us if you have any Chinese Knife Money in there, yeah?”

**Shiiva:** “...I… I…..”

**Sutori:** “Or maybe perhaps the Ultimate Numismatist isn’t so ultimate anymore?”

_ She’s stopped. Completely stopped in her place. She can’t even speak. All she can do is shiver and cry. She looks so cold in her sweater, and she’s breaking down in front of us. _

**Kusubishi** : “Hm…. I think that about wraps it up, yeah?”

**Maekaa:** “...J-Just end this, already… Please...”

**Leftside:** “Tch…”

**Nikku:**

**Satoumi:** “Yeah… Kanekawa, can you vote yet?”

_ Hmm…. I could…. But first…. _

**Kanekawa:** “First, I need to recount everything that has happened!”

**Momo:** “What? That sounds so unnecessary! Why?”

**Kanekawa:** “Here’s how it went down!”

_ As I started to talk, weird manga like depictions of the crime scene showed up on the monitor in front of Monokuma as I went on… _

**CLIMAX RETURN!**

_ When we all went to Moon Dollars for caffeinated drinks, and the girls were stealing stuff from Adrian’s dorm, the only ones who weren’t doing anything were Sutori, Sairento, Fellboomers, and the blackened. For some reason, the killer was depicted as greyed out and naked. We could practically see everything! _

**Shiiva:** “...”

**Kusubishi:** “Wow, That really isn’t helping. And I’m a Nudist.”

_ Sutori happened to fall asleep, prompting the blackened to try to steal the safe for the valuables inside. Fellboomers happened to walk in on her and presumably tried to stop her, to which she then threw the safe onto his foot. When he was stunned, she started to throw a load of knife coins at him, and one of them happened to land directly on his throat. It cut it open enough to have it be a fatal wound that bleeds out, but also was lucky enough to get stuck. While he’s bleeding out, the killer cleaned up some of the blood, and picked up some of the coins. She didn’t take two of them, which were the one in his throat, and one she missed that fell in the trash. She walked out, hoping to come back later. _

_ Sairento popped back in to check in on us. He saw Fellboomers bleeding out and gagging, and he decided to do his own thing. Instead of getting him medical attention, he pulled out the knife from his throat, took a screwdriver to unscrew a vent cover, shoved him in it, and locked him in. He then finds Maekaa’s dropped wallet and plants three pieces of evidence in there. His bloody gloves, the murder weapon, and the screwdriver. _

_ As he walked out laughing, that’s when Macklemore shows up, and- _

_ Wait a minute. _

**Kanekawa:** “W-Wait, hold on. I put in the wrong panel for that scene.”

**Yoshi:** “Literally, What the hell are you doing? How are you doing that? WHY are you doing that?!”

**Maekaa:** “A-And why was there a panel with Macklemore in it…?”

**Kanekawa:** “Oh, I’m trying to summarize what happened in my Climax Reasoning using my E-Handbook, trademarked by Monokuma.”

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, I guess that makes sense! But why was that kind of app installed on our handbooks?”

_ Monokuma shrugs. _

**Monokuma:** “Eh. We need some sort of filler for this fic, you know?”

**Adrian:** “Wh-Why does everybody keep saying that, dude? Wh-What’s a fic?”

**Kanekawa:** “Alright, I fixed it! As I was saying...”

_ Around this time, Momo, Uchukaze, and Teza have already stolen Adrian’s clothing and replaced it with his femme dress. Fellboomers can’t get out the way he got into the vent, so he decides to crawl around, dropping and moving to the nearest source of sound he could find. He was bleeding out and tried to stop it with half of an avocado, but of course the avocado just was not enough. He was able to reach the vent in Adrian’s bathroom though, and presumably died when he gripped onto it, freaking out the lovebirds and sending them to Moon Dollars, where everybody was. _

_ It couldn’t have been Sairento that killed him, because the knife wasn’t big enough to stop the bleeding it caused. Only the blackened who created the wound is responsible for his death. _

_ Of course, you would know that...  Right,  _ _ Kouinsu Shiiva _ _?! _

**COMPLETE!**

_... _

**Shiiva:** “Hgh… I…. Y-You… Youuu……”

_ Shiiva is crying. She’s constantly losing her balance while standing. We all can’t help but look at this murderer with a form of pity. We don’t know how to describe it. Not one of the 15 of us. _

**Leftside:** “Gh….”

**Sutori:** “Hm.”

**Uchukaze:** “...We’re sorry, Earthling…”

**Sairento:** “Why are you sorry for this girl? She killed a man, and now we’re here.”

**Shiiva:** “Shut… Shut up…. C-Come on…..”

_ Shiiva hits the stand with the side of her fist. _

**Shiiva:** “D-Don’t vote for me, please….”

**Satoumi:** “...Yo, Kanekawa-kun. Can you get this over with already?”

**Kanekawa:** “Mmm.”

_ I select her face, and suddenly the big monitor flipped to a screen of the slot machine. The lever is pulled, and the slot started rolling, going through all of our faces. After a few seconds, all three of them stopped on the pixelated face of the wavy blonde and turtleneck wearing girl. A fake crowd screams and confetti flies everywhere on screen. _

_ She’s been voted as the blackened. _

_ She has been revealed as the blackened. _

_ … _

_ Rakku puts her notebook and pencil back in her coat. _

**Rakku:** “Can’t believe it had to come to this, pal…”

**Shiiva:** “Why….”

_ Shiiva’s expression is lifeless. There’s nothing left for us to look at. All we see is an empty and cold husk of someone who was once smart and mostly mellow. They’re resorting to trying to bargain with a state. _

**Shiiva:** “Wh-Why…. He was such an asshole… You kn-knew what he was l-like….. You would’ve d-done the same….”

_ Kusubishi tilts her head onto her palm. _

**Kusubishi:** “We’re sorry, honey... Unfortunately, killing someone, regardless of what they are,  is still murder in one way or another.”

**Maekaa:** “And it really ruined my date... “

**Adrian:** “...”

**Shiiva:** “H-He was…. One of the stupidest people I’ve ever met…. H-He just... “

_ Shiiva breaks into tears again. _

**Shiiva:** “Do you know how many times I have to meet people like that...?! Telling me to just stop being poor, just abide with sociological oppressive norms?! I have to do things I’m never proud of, just to get through in life, all because of him! I-I’ve had to resort to stealing so much!”

**Rakku:** “Pal…”

**Shiiva:** “H-He…. I need the m-money…. I wanted to get out of here, and take it w-with me….And when he saw me…. He talked to me with that bigoted reasoning of his…. And I j-just… I…. I…..”

_.... _

_ … _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “Hey, what the hell are you doing?!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “H-Huh?! O-Oh, this….? I, uh, found it misplaced here! I was going to return it!” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “You were trying to steal it!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “Y-You don’t know that!” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “It’s always the same with people like you… You know why you steal things like those? Because you’re LAZY!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “N-No! That’s not it...” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “You don’t want to work at all, so you lay back and wait for something to happen! And when it doesn’t you resort to stealing! You should be ashamed of yourself!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “J-Just... Wait a second.” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “Why don’t you just stop being poor?!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “Sh-Shut up...!” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “What was that?!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “I said… Shut…. UP!” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “W-Woah! Take this! …..Oh, that’s not- “ _

_ *Clank!* _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “OW!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “AAAAAGH!” _

**_Fellboomers:_ ** _ “W-What’re you pulling out of you- Agh! Gaaah! Ack…!” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “...” _

**_Shiiva:_ ** _ “...I hope the others don’t mind you.” _

_ … _

_ … _

**Shiiva:** “This…. It’s all unfair...  Y-You would’ve….”

_ As Shiiva fell to her knees, Rakku decided to walk over to her area, and go down to put her hand on her Shoulder. Rakku’s face looked one of melancholy. _

**Rakku:** “I’d hate to break it to you, kid. But that’s no reason to go ahead and murder a man.”

**Shiiva:** *Sniff* “H-Huh?”

**Rakku:** “He was one of the most insufferable brooksy crashers I’ve ever met, and it was indeed very tempting to just skip the sacrificial talk and snuff out the bastard. But taking a life is still taking a life, and now you’re here. A young flapper about to be executed.”

**Shiiva:** “I… I’m sorry….”

**Rakku:** “It’s okay, kid. I’m a private detective so I have experience in these things. There’s not much we can do now, so just hope the billboard here does it quickly.”

**Adrian:** “...D-Dude… Th-That’s...”

**Nikku:**

_ Rakku walks away from Shiiva with her back turned. _

**Rakku:** “I know it’s cruel… But that’s just how it is, pal.”

_ Monokuma yawns in his tall throne. _

**Monokuma:** “Aaaaagh, Can we get it on with the execution already?! I’m just itching to see a  _ spectacular  _ death!”

**Shiiva:** “Oh…. Oh no….”

_ Rakku turns her head with a piercing glare. _

**Rakku:** “And you.”

**Monokuma:** “Hmmmm?”

**Rakku:** “You’re a sick bastard, buddy. I don’t know who you really are behind that metal  thing of yours, but none of this would have happened if you didn’t force us into this mess. This sick game of yours goes beyond being a loon. As a private detective, I will find out who you are, and I will bring you to justice.”

**Monokuma:** “Oh my! Doing this for justice? You’re just like all the rest, aren’t you?”

**Rakku:** “...Hmph.”

_ Monokuma pulls out a gavel, and a button with a screen on it pulls up in front of him. _

**Monokuma:** “Now, I’ve prepared a very special execution for the Ultimate Numismatist, Kouinsu Shiiva!”

**Leftside:** “Hgggh….”

**Maekaa:** “I-I can’t watch this…”

**Monokuma:** “Watch it or else I’ll do something horrible to all of you!”

**Momo:** “Oh, come on! That’s not fair!”

**Monokuma:** “I think you’ve forgotten where you are right now.”

**Monokuma** : “Alright! Let’s give it everything we’ve got! It’s punishment time!”

**Shiiva:** “I-I… I’m so… S-Sorry…..”

**Shiiva:** “If you escape…. And if you ever see anybody related to me… Tell them…. I’m sorry I couldn’t help them…. 

**Shiiva:** “I’m sorry I couldn’t help…. Myself….”

 

_ As Monokuma comedically jumps and hits the button with that mallet, the button’s screen depicted Shiiva in a 64-bit low polygon chibi style. The image also appeared on the large tv monitor so that we can see what’s going on better. An equally 64 bit monokuma dragged her by the turtleneck collar, despite the model’s particle effects of crying and yelling. The words “ _ **_GAME OVER! KOUINSU SHIIVA HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY. TIME FOR HER PUNISHMENT!_ ** _ ” scrolled at the bottom. As the screen pixelated and faded, we saw her. Shiiva, still on the ground. Face covered by her hands, wet by her tears. Wearing an oversized turtleneck, yet somehow still so cold. _

_ She slowly pulled her hands down and became slightly aware of the people standing around her, and the sound of something coming closer. It sounded metallic, yet you could tell there were some sort of elasticity in there. We immediately saw what it was as Shiiva’s face became distraught. It was a crane connected to a pulley, clamping her neck and taking her away at lightning quick speeds. She was gone, but we were able to see what was happening on the big monitor. _

_ It looked like she was being dragged away into a mass productive factory of some sort, and as she went in, the shutters closed. After a few seconds of the factory building cartoonishly bumping up and down, a large box popped out with a cutesy rendition of her face on it. A truck took the box and started to drive away to a… Hospital? _

_ After a bunch of men with hard hats went in, they stopped at the lobby and started to unpack it. They were installing something… It’s Shiiva! She’s stuck in a sitting upright pose, her arms and legs bolted by metal bars and the sorts. There’s a plug sticking out of her and into a wall outlet. But most importantly, there’s a coin slot near her shoulder, and some sort of exit near right on her waist. Her mouth is also shut by a small metal plate, but you can tell there was pure terror on her face. The words appeared on screen for a few seconds. _

_ Automated Organ Donor Machine! _

_ A Monokuma with a very expensive looking doctor’s coat and stethoscope walked up. He seemed to be on his break, and had a quarter in his hand. Shiiva suddenly understood what was going on and tried to shake her head dismissively. I think you can hear her muffled screaming. The Monokuma put the quarter in, and let it drop. Out of the dispenser came out one of her vital organs. I think that’s the liver? _

_ Shiiva’s trying really hard to scream out in pain and call for help. It’s no use, the Monokuma pulled out of his pocket a fanny pack. No, it’s Shiiva’s fanny pack. It’s packed with quarters, and he’s taking them out and using them one by one. He puts one in, out popped Shiiva’s stomach. He puts in another, there goes her kidneys. He’s taking them one by one, putting them in a bag. She’s lost her kidney, her intestines, her lungs… I think a few of her ribs were mixed in there too. With every organ he pulls out, Shiiva’s face gets more and more twisted in pain. The more organs he buys, the more horrified she gets. He puts in one quarter, and out of the dispenser was every single gallon of Shiiva’s blood, conveniently put into a bottle that he brought. Shiiva’s exhausted and crying real tears. Her skin is pale white and she’s sobbing, She just wants to go home and dream. But this isn’t a dream, this is a reality. Reality is the worst nightmare that any of us had to experience. _

_ The doctor Monokuma put in one last quarter, and this time, the heart started to dispense. It got stuck in the dispenser, I think it’s still connected to one of the arteries. He kicks Shiiva, she tries to scream in pain but she can’t scream without her lungs. The Monokuma kicks and smacks her around for a while, before getting tired and just reaching in for the heart. He tugs on it, with Shiiva starting to gag, almost like she’s going to vomit. She can’t vomit though, she doesn’t have her stomach or esophagus. As the strange Japanese techno music started to climax, the Monokuma ripped it out of her. I don’t know how she managed to even survive all of that up to this point, but Shiiva’s still there. She’s starting to close her swollen eyes, unable to see the Monokuma walking away from the now defunct machine. But before she could close them fully, she saw something. _

_ As if out of nowhere, there was a small boy in a hospital gown and ton of stitches on his arms and neck. He looked like he was lost and frightened, and he happened to have short blonde hair that was also wavy. Who is that? That’s not a Monokuma, that’s a human child! Whoever he is, he was holding a quarter when he saw Shiiva. Lifeless, dead, and having an out of order sign taped onto her cold body. He looks at the machine, and puts his hand on his chest. He faints onto the floor, dropping his coin, and some Monokuma doctors took him away. I think he… died? Who on earth was that? Why was he there? _

_ The camera panned out from Shiiva’s broken self, who was being dragged away by the same Monokumas with the truck earlier. And like that, it faded to black… _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

**Kanekawa:** “What…?”

_...We were all just standing there, having just witnessed a horrifying death. We all just… Stood there,. We didn’t know how to respond… _

_ I didn’t know how to respond, actually. Maekaa responded with tears of fear. Everybody’s freaking out in their own specific way. _

**Maekaa:** *Sobbing* “Wh-Why?! What just happened?! That was so cruel!”

**Yoshi:** “Ngh…”

**Momo:** “No… No, this can’t be real! No, No, No!”

_ Uchukaze cries into Momo’s shoulder, and Teza doesn’t say anything. _

**Adrian:** “D-Dude?! Dude, What the fuck?! Oh my god!”

**Satoumi:** “I feel like I’m gonna be sick…”

_ Leftside bends his arm and screams at the top of his lungs. _

**Leftside:** “Aaaaaaaaaaaugh!”

**Kusubishi:** “Oh dear...”

**Nikku:**

**Sairento:** “Oh… So, that’s what happens, huh?”

**Sutori:** “Who was the kid, I wonder?”

**Rakku:** “...You…. You didn’t….”

_ Rakku grips her fedora tightly. _

**Rakku:** “You didn’t have to do that at all! That was the most horrifying thing you ever made us witness!”

**Monokuma:** “Oh? Is that so?”

**Rakku:** “I thought it was going to be quick and painless, pal! You made the sweetheart there die a horrible death, and made her watch the whole thing through and through!”

**Monokuma** : “Upupupupu…. Isn’t it just full of sweet and delicious despair?”

**Rakku:** “What…?”

**Monokuma:** “Haahahahahaha! You really think there’s some ulterior motive behind all of this? Nope, it’s just despair! Unfiltered and natural feelings of despair, pure evil!”

**Yoshi:** “G-Gaaah….”

**Rakku:** “You…”

**Monokuma:** “Or maybe that’s not really my motive, and I’m just playing you! Who knows?!”

**Kanekawa:** “M-Monokuma! That’s messed up!”

**Monokuma:** “Uh, of course it is! What, are you going to try to whoo me over with another of your shitty heroic speeches about how you’ll never fall to me?”

**Kanekawa:** “....N-No...:”

**Monokuma:** “That’s what I thought! Now then, if you guys would-”

**Yoshi:** “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

_ Yoshi suddenly let out a piercing scream. She’s clutching all sides of her head and messing up her mahogany hair. It almost as if blood was splattering everywhere. _

**Rakku:** “Y-Yoshi! W-Wait!”

_ Yoshi didn’t listen, she went straight for the nearest person she could grab, and put Sairento into a one armed headlock. It’s one armed due to the fact that he’s also being held at gunpoint. _

**Sairento:** “Oh, This is something!”

**Momo:** “What are you doing?!”

**Kanekawa:** “Yoshi-San?”

**Yoshi:** “I can’t take this fuckin’ shit, alright?! After what I just saw…. After seeing that….!”

_ Yoshi’s finger was shaking. You could hear a slight metal clicking sound. She didn’t quite pull the trigger, but she is close. _

**Yoshi:** “Forget what I said about playin’ by your goddamn rules! You’re not going to kill us like that! I’ll fucking do it!”

**Satoumi:** “What the fuck?!”

**Yoshi:** “Did you forget what I said before when the bear first showed up? I said I’ll kill everybody else instead! And you know what?! I’ll do that!”

**Yoshi:** “If that fuckin’ bear won’t let us go, I’ll kill everybody, and there won’t be a killing game!”

**Adrian:** “W-Wait! D-Dude, Seriously!”

**Sairento:** “Now THIS is more like i- Ow!”

**Kusubishi:** “Oh, Yoshi-Chan, Honey…”

_ Yoshi didn’t even shoot him that time. She just hit Sairento in the face with her revolver, and it’s given him a black eye. _

**Yoshi:** “The hell’s it gonna be, huh?! Everybody dies, or we go home?!”

**Monokuma:** “Upupupupu… Is that the best you’ve got?!”

**Yoshi:** “The safety’s off, motherfucker! You better do something!”

**Monokuma:** “Did you forget that I literally have spears and weapons to summon at anytime?”

**Yoshi:** “Uh huh! I can kill faster than that! And by the time you’ve already killed me, I would have already killed everyone! And there won’t even be a killing game!”

**Sutori:** “I think it’s in your best interest that you’d listen to him…”

_ Sutori started to walk off of their stand and towards Yoshi. Their calm demeanor clashed with her sporadic threats. They didn’t even do much besides adjust their glasses. _

**Sutori:** “You manage to convince the mastermind to let everybody go. And then what? You’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. You do remember that we just flew all the way out to somewhere by plane, yes? Where will you go? Are you gonna try fly a plane all by yourself? Not like I can fly a plane, so I’d be surprised if you did.”

**Yoshi:** “Grrr…. You sound like you’re tryin’ to pick a fight with me! You wanna die? You wanna be the first to go instead?! I can grant that wish for you if you’d like!”

**Rakku:** “Letto.”

**Yoshi:** “H-Huh?!”

_ Rakku just stands there. She’s got her pistol in her hand, but it’s not pointed at anyone. _

**Rakku:** “Would you really risk it, buddy?”

**Yoshi:** “Wh-What?”

**Rakku:** “After everything you’ve done to this point, would you really risk it?”

**Yoshi:** “R-Ra…”

**Rakku:** “Would you really risk me, after all you’ve done?”

**Yoshi:** “...”

**Sairento:** “So, Ma’am, Are you gonna- oof!”

_ Yoshi lets go of Sairento and puts away her revolver. She shoves him out of the way and goes over to Rakku. _

**Yoshi:** “Let’s just…”

_ She grabs Rakku’s shoulder and slumps over. Rakku helps with carrying her over to the plane, disappearing back into the vehicle. _

**Yoshi:** “Let’s just go already.”

_ After getting shocked by Yoshi’s sudden outburst, everybody starts to walk back to the plane in accordance with Monokuma’s orders. _

**Sutori:** “Have us follow along, shall we?”

_ Some were hesitant. _

**Uchukaze:** “Ahh.. A-Ah….”

**Momo:** “I’m so sorry you have to experience this, Yuufo…”

**Teza:** “...”

_ Some didn’t even care. _

**Leftside:** “....Gh.”

**Sairento:** “Haha… That was fun.”

_ Some tried to ignore it. _

**Satoumi:** “I don’t even want to think about it right now…”

**Maekaa:** “A-Adrian, please…”

**Adrian:** “D-Don’t worry, bro…. I’ll….”

_ Some were lost in thought. _

**Nikku:**

**Kusubishi:** “Hm.”

_ And I… Didn’t want to stand for this at all. _

**Kanekawa:** “This is too much… This is too much for people like us….!”

**Kanekawa:** “I… I’ll do everything I can to stop this!”

_...Huh, That’s peculiar. Everybody ignored me as usual, but I think someone looked at me with some interest. In fact, I think it was Sairento. _

_ We all got back on the plane, and as much as we wanted to escape, we all had to go back to the airport. All with our dorms and fast food restaurants. We weren’t even hungry. After what we’ve witnessed, we were either Sick or Tired. Surprisingly, no inbetween. I was just tired, and I needed a drink.  _

_ It’s way past midnight, and after sitting in my bed and drinking more of my piss, I got this idea. _

**Kanekawa:** “...Hm. I should check up on Rakku-San. That’s still a thing, right?”

_ I got out of bed, and decided to go to Rakku’s room. I walked there, but before I could knock, I decided to listen. It definitely wasn’t creepy at all, because I heard something of interest. I think it was… crying? Was that Rakku? No, Her voice was different… Maybe I should leave them alone. As I walked back however, I happened to bump into someone. _

**Sairento:** “Oh, Kanekawa-San. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

_ Sairento’s holding an ice pack above his black eye. _

**Kanekawa:** “Oh. Uh…”

**Sairento:** “What is it?”

**Kanekawa:** “I’m not really used to having a conversation with someone… I usually just let them talk with each other, have them fill out some sort of imaginary narrative as I commentate about it in my head.”

**Sairento:** “...Lovely. Now listen, Are you interested in my services?”

_? Services? _

**Kanekawa:** “Huh? What do you mean?”

**Sairento:** “I’m asking if you’d be interested in helping me.”

**Kanekawa:** “Helping you? As in escape? I don’t actually think there’s just some ‘way’ to get out of here.”

**Sairento:** “Oh jeez…”

_ Sairento puts the ice pack on for a bit more. _

**Sairento:** “We can figure out how to escape later! I’m saying that you could help me with things, and  _ then _ we can escape!”

_ Oh... _

**Kanekawa:** “I-I mean I guess… Rakku’s usually the one I follow…”

**Sairento:** “Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t have to be relevant. She’s just some detective hanging out with some weird and dangerous girl.”

**Kanekawa:** “Ah… I’m… Hm.”

**Sairento:** “I, on the other hand, am a totally normal bellboy with… quite the devious intentions…”

**Kanekawa:** “Didn’t you try to mess with a crime scene a few hours ago?”

**Sairento:** “Oh, I failed to get people to give me the recognition I deserve… But next time, it will be different! This time, I will get to show off my true skills as a dangerous criminal!”

**Kanekawa:** “A-Ah… I mean, I…”

**Sairento:** “Do you honestly have anything better to do?”

**Kanekawa:** “...I guess not.”

_ Sairento tries to strike a pose, but his eye still hurt a lot, so his movement’s still a bit restricted. _

**Sairento:** “Then it’s settled! You’ll be my partner! Ahahahaha!”

_ We were interrupted by a door swinging open behind me. It was Rakku, with her jacket off. Her tie was loose and her hair looked messy. She was… carrying something in her hand. A bag? It’s filled with something. Looks kinda like cloth. She looks kinda spooked... _

**Rakku:** “O-Oh, Hey there, pal… And Sairento-San. You too, I guess.”

**Sairento** : “Hello there, Ma’am.”

**Kanekawa:** “H-Hey, Rakku-San, are you alright? You kinda had a bit of a moment with that Yoshi girl earlier…”

**Rakku:** “...Look, Don’t worry about that billboard, alright? She’s… She’s just different.”

_ Rakku closes the door behind her, and Sairento crosses his arms. _

**Sairento:** “Yeah, different. I’m sure that’s what the word for that is.”

**Rakku:** “..Yeah, Yeah. Alright, well I’m going to go now…”

**Kanekawa:** “W-Wait!”

_ I quickly catch her attention before she leaves. _

**Rakku:** “Uh. Kinda busy here, buddy.”

**Kanekawa:** “Let me help you!”

**Rakku:** “Uh, there really isn’t any need to…”

**Kanekawa:** “But I-”

**Rakku:** “Ugh, Look, Just take this, Knock yourself out with it or something. I found it when investigating the killer from earlier, and maybe you can think about her more than me.”

_ I was suddenly distracted from Rakku walking away from me with the bag when she flicked me a small coin. No, it wasn’t just any coin, it was one that Shiiva definitely had. I could tell because this coin was ancient. It felt like it was made out of a different kind of metal. I think it might be silver? There’s a carved in picture of some greek person on the coin. I think I better keep this, Shiiva was a girl I definitely want to remember. _

**Kanekawa:** “Uh, wait! Don’t you want to keep this?”

**Rakku:** “I got another, Gonna go now, Okay byyyeeeeeeeee.”

_ Huh. Alright, I guess I’ll resume talking with Sairento. _

**Kanekawa:** “Alright then, Sairento-San. I guess we can resume talking ab- Sairento-San?”

_ Where did he go? I looked around for him when I saw him going back to his room. He slowly walked back into his room, but the entire time he looked at me with some sort of ominous stare. It came off as kind of comedic, but I don’t know if he intended that. _

**Sairento:** “Think about it…. My offer… Toodaloo….”

_ The door is shut. I stand there, alone at the hours of the early morning. I suppose I don’t really have much of a choice here. I’ll just go back to my room with this coin, and think about our situation a bit more. Think about how we can escape and stuff, and also work with Sairento on whatever he needs. It doesn’t seem that bad… _

_...Still extremely messed up that we’re in this terrible situation. But I shouldn’t worry. _

_ I’ll probably survive. _

_ I will survive. _

_ We will all survive. _

 

**\--- END OF CHAPTER 01, 14 STUDENTS REMAINING ---**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact the way monokuma was originally going to put coins in shiiva was through her mouth, and i was going to have descriptions of her being force fed coins and having her organs drop out
> 
> instead i just went with her organs dropping out
> 
> here have some stuff
> 
> Name - Kouinsu Shiiva  
> Talent - Ultimate Numismatist  
> Height - 5'6"  
> Birth Date - ♓ February 22nd  
> Likes - Old Coins, New Coins, Your Coins  
> Dislikes - Laws


	7. DRSM Chapter 02 - This past despair-filled week, I've known you. And yet... Part 1 - Daily Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get a little weird in here, and our Protagonist may just fall into a whole new world of trouble! Let's hope for the best here, cause it's also getting serious!
> 
> Trigger Warnings in Beginning notes, Potential spoilers.
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Potential Chapter Spoilers]
> 
> TW Falling  
> TW Drug Mention

_ *Boom!* _

**Kanekawa:** “Huh…?”

_ *Shake!* _

**Kanekawa:** “What’s that noise?”

_ *Crumble!* _

_ Huh, that’s not right. The room’s shaking and the ceiling’s dropping bits and dust. Are we getting raided? Did someone eat at the Enchilada Tambourine again? We had to get Monokuma to fix the water system for 3 whole hours. _

_ It’s been a few days since we witnessed Shiiva’s gruesome death, and we’ve all been screwing around. Since we literally have no way to escape, we’ve just been occupied with entertaining ourselves until one of us eventually breaks down and succumbs to playing along. _

_ *Dust Pounding!* _

_ Somebody might be breaking down right now, actually. I better go check that. If it’s anything like the Enchilada Tambourine, It’s going to affect the urinary system. That is something I definitely do not want to miss! I took the elevator up to the airport level, which makes me wonder if our dorms are built in some sort of parking lot. It would explain the concrete hallway floors and the occasional smell of gasoline. I was eventually greeted by- _

**Kanekawa:** “Ow, My Face!”

_ Something hitting me in the face. I think that was some debris coming from Leftside and Teza pushing each other. _

**Leftside:** “Aaaagh!”

**Teza:** “Hm?”

_ Satoumi is standing right behind Leftside, and Adrian is sitting down on the floor, somehow still in his femme outfit, with Maekaa sitting down and leaning on him. Kusubishi’s sitting criss cross applesauced right behind them, and that’s surprisingly not an innuendo. Meanwhile, on the other side, Momo and Uchukaze are standing there with Nikku on Uchukaze’s Theremin. They all seem to be arguing about something. _

_ Yoshi and Rakku are simply watching on the sidelines. _

**Yoshi:** “Oh, it’s just you.”

**Kanekawa:** “Hello! What’s going on here?”

**Rakku:** “Oh, nothing pal. The absent treatment over there’s just those guys arguing about the damndest thing again.”

_ Teza, with those dirty P.E. clothes of her is using that tetherball pole of hers to fend off the femme boy amputee there. The floor beneath them is cracking a little, that’s not good. _

**Teza:** “I’m telling you, alright? You can’t just go only after girls with long hair. Short hair is where it’s at, yeah? Yeah. Butch for life, you know?”

**Momo:** “It doesn’t matter on my end, but Chikara’s on my side so therefore she’s right!”

**Uchukaze:** “67% Accurate, at least...”

**Nikku:**

_ Uchukaze plays a small tune on her Theremin. It’s quite spooky. _

**Leftside:** “Long hair!”

**Satoumi:** “What he means is that long hair usually give off a sense of femininity, and that dating a femme girl is a lot more better than a butch with short hair.”

**Adrian:** “Yeah, dude! The best kind of women to date are the most girly ones, bro!”

**Maekaa:** “I-I should know!”

**Satoumi:** “Wait, you’re dating Adrian, right?”

**Adrian:** “...”

**Maekaa:** “...Y-Yes.”

_ Kusubishi claps her hand. _

**Kusubishi:** “I don’t think it should matter! Any girl is beautiful~  <3”

**Leftside:** “No Ties! ONLY ONE!”

**Teza:** “You know you’re not gonna get anywhere with that, right, Everett?”

_ Leftside loses a little bit of composure. _

**Leftside:** “Hm?!”

_ Teza takes a glance at Momo, and looks back at Leftside with a smirk. _

**Teza:** “What, do you think you can feel up their hair with just that one puny arm or something?”

_ Leftside’s eyes seem to bulge a little. _

**Leftside:** “What was that?!”

_ Satoumi suddenly looked a lot less tired, and looked a lot more sweaty and concerned with what’s going on. _

**Satoumi:** “W-Wait, Left, Let’s just back out for now.”

**Teza:** “I wonder if the reason it’s so strong is because of how often you jerk yourself with it?”

**Leftside:** “Hn…. Don’t…. You…..”

**Adrian:** “Oh shit, bro, we gotta go right now.”

**Maekaa:** “H-Huh?”

**Kusubishi:** “I mean, sure! But what’s happening?”

_ Adrian picks up Maekaa, only to get picked up by Kusubishi, only to get picked up by Satoumi. There’s electricity jumping everywhere from Leftside again. That’s when Sairento walked in. _

**Sairento:** “Greetings everyone, what type of murders are we plotting today?”

**Yoshi:** “I told ya’ that we aren’t gonna fuckin’ kill anyone!”

**Rakku:** “Wait, what in god’s name is going on right now?”

_ Leftside seems to be breathing heavily. His football helmet’s shaking a little bit, and his skirt’s blowing up a little. Something weird is about to happen, and the four who were just right behind him don’t want to see it. _

**Leftside:** “F… Foos….”

**Teza** : “You think you’re going to get women with just one hand? You can’t even get past me with 5 fingers! Come on Gohan, why don’t you special beam cannon your way over here?”

**Leftside:** “F-Foos….”

_ Uchukaze’s a tad bit mad, but Momo suddenly realized the weight of the situation. _

**Uchukaze:** “As an alien myself… I’m a little insulted you mixed up Gohan with Piccolo just because they both lost their arms at one point.”

**Momo:** “W-Wait a second, guys, let’s back off right no-”

**Leftside:** “FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!”

**Teza:** “Wh-?!”

_ The floor cracked. The air is strong. There is a flash of light, and Teza is shoved away. Leftside is screaming, but only for a moment. His football helmet’s cracked a little, poking out of it seems to be short and spiky strands of blue hair. Teza brandishes her tetherball pole more. _

**Teza:** “What…. is he….?”

_ Sutori, having just come out of the elevator, pushes up and adjusts their glasses. _

**Sutori:** “Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but I’m pretty sure that talking bad about his missing arm like that has pushed his power past his limit. He’s now on a more unfathomable level of rage and reality, and I don’t exactly understand how you didn’t expect this considering you and the girls have apparently known the boys for a while. I’d tell you to run and hide for your mistakes, I think you don’t have a choice here.”

**Teza:** “Wh-Wh-”

_ Teza is suddenly interrupted by a blindingly fast punch from Leftside. _

_ Wait, that’s not right. He moved faster than I could see! Not only that, Teza is flying towards a wall, crashing into it and cracking it! She comes out, only slightly dirty. _

**Teza:** “S-Such power….”

**Maekaa:** “Aah!”

_ Leftside jumped towards Teza, to which then she stuck her pole down and slapped the ball attached to it hard enough to send Leftside flying back in response. _

**Satoumi:** “Nani?!”

_ Yoshi almost bites her tongue. _

**Yoshi:** “The fuck? Aren’t you Japanese?”

**Satoumi:** “Oh sorry, it’s just hard to switch back.”

**Yoshi:** “...????????????”

**Satoumi** : “I’m messing with you, Language doesn’t work like that.”

**Kusubishi:** “If that’s the case, what language are we speaking?”

_ As Kusubishi ponders that thought, which is weird because obviously we’re all speaking  _ _ ████████████, Leftside and Teza are clashing shoulders. Leftside pulls out another Foosball table again, but this time he’s sidestepping back and forth between the table sides. There’s a ball being thrown around at lightning fast speeds, which is not even an exaggeration, which suddenly flew out the table and into Teza’s face. If her nose wasn’t broken enough, she’s going to need another band aid after that. That’s when she started spinning with Leftside going in for the sidekick, but she suddenly counterattacked with her tetherball on a pole! _

**Leftside:** “Ghh…!”

_ Leftside was struck by the tetherball again, and then hit on the other side by the same ball. Then he’s hit by the ball on the previous side again. Leftside’s getting rushed by a tetherball being swung over and over at him by Teza slapping the ball. It’s like a million punches are being thrown!  _

**Teza:** “Take this! Machinegun tether!”

_ It didn’t last for long though, as Leftside ducked and kicked the pole off the ground, and tackled Teza into there as well. _

_ The tiles on the floor are flying off, and debris is flying everywhere. Teza pulls her pole off of there and suddenly swung it around like a helicopter, flying into the air. _

**Rakku:** “That’s not even physically possible…”

**Momo** : “Who cares, it’s cool!”

_ Leftside jumped off the ground and tried to spin kick her out of there, but Teza simply kicked back. They cross counter, and then they kick each other's feet until Teza messes up and Leftside pulls that pole off of her, and slams it into her chest. Leftside, still hanging in the air, pulled out a foosball, and kicked it into the same area of impact as Teza. It was a small hit, but the ground suddenly erupted into a burst of light! Chunks of rock and cement fly everywhere, the wind is strong and blowing us away, and as the dust subsides, Leftside is seen standing back on the ground, bleeding and breathing heavily. Teza backs up on all fours, terrified by this newfound power of his. _

**Teza:** “H-How… How did you gain all this power…?”

_ Leftside smirks. _

**Leftside:** “.....Foosball….. Baby….”

_ He gives a thumbs up and falls to the ground, passing out. _

_ Rakku turns her head at the audience with a look of contempt on her face. _

**Rakku:** “...Anyone wanna reflect on what just happened?”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “...Me too, pal.”

_ Momo and Uchukaze go and places Teza on their Theremin. Teza’s face is expressionless, but you could tell that behind all of that was fear. _

**Momo:** “Come on, Teza… Let’s get you patched up.”

**Uchukaze:** “I’ll help you, earthling.”

_ Teza doesn’t move anything except for her eyes, directed at Uchukaze. _

**Teza** : “...”

_ Satoumi doesn’t even look surprised. They just pick up the crew and drags them off. At least they tried to before Monokuma jumps out of the ground, angry with all of us. _

**Monokuma:** “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS DO?!”

**Yoshi:** “I don’t know, the fuck it looks like?”

**Monokuma:** “The airport lobby is even more destroyed than it already was! I was going to announce the next motive right here in the lobby, but looks like somebody messed it up!”

_ Sairento frowned. _

**Sairento:** “Awwww, Really? No incentive to kill?”

**Yoshi:** “Shut the fuck up, ya’ serial murderer.”

**Kusubishi:** “Oh yeah. That was a thing, wasn’t it?”

_ Monokuma shakes his fist. _

**Monokuma:** “Grr… I’m going to need to improvise… Right! Whatever! Wasn’t going to do this, but whatever!”

_ Monokuma suddenly did a little spin and- _

**Monokuma:** “Ta-dah, now you got the roof.”

**Maekaa:** “...Wh-Wh-”

**Monokuma:** “Yeah, I’m kind of lazy right now. I don’t wanna clean up anything, just get up there so that I can announce the motive, ya bastards.”

_ Monokuma disappears back into the unloaded parts of reality, leaving us confused once again. _

**Adrian:** “...Dude, wanna go up and do shots on the roof?”

**Satoumi** : “I’ll bring the booze.”

_ Rakku presses the elevator button. _

**Rakku:** “You even drink, pal?”

**Satoumi** : “Nope. I’m the Ultimate Soda Drinker, not the Ultimate Shots Taker.”

**Maekaa** : “Oh, I met her once! She’s got the liver of a horse!”

**Maekaa** : “And the stomach of one!”

**Maekaa:** “...And the skin. She’s kind of just a horse.”

**Nikku:**

_ Nikku seems to look pleased with Maekaa’s words. Kusubishi doesn’t. _

**Momo:** “You know that we’re all underaged for drinking, right?”

**Satoumi:** “We’re all going to eventualy die.”

**Momo:** “Fair enough!”

**Rakku:** “Normally I’d prevent this, but that excuse has been finding a lot of use lately, pal…”

**Kusubishi:** “You’ll get used to it eventually.”

_ In the airport elevator, a third button was added. When we all reached the roof, it was all flat, and it was at least 65% solid metal. The 35% is actually a glass ceiling window that we’ve never actually addressed . Huh, why didn’t it shatter when the fight happened? I guess because it’s going to be relevant later. Just like that locked door over there. _

**Uchukaze:** “...Locked….”

**Rakku:** “Judging by how every other door here is locked, the mastermind definitely does not want us to go in there. Maybe it’s where they reside? Hey, Leftside, pal, could you- Oh, right.”

_ Leftside is still on Satoumi’s shoulders, I think there’s smoke emitting off of him. _

**Leftside:** “Feeh…..”

**Momo:** “Wait, Wait, I got this guys!”

**Uchukaze:** “You might wanna move 6.5 earth meters away for this…”

**Rakku:** “Wait, wh- What in the name of Shirley Legends of the Hidden Temple?!”

_ Momo grabs a large metal box, duct tapes it to the lock, and opens it. It’s actually a computer, hard drive, monitor, and everything. It’s connected to a generator. There’s a load of air ducts, and a bunch of tubes with water in them. Wait, she’s slicing open the water tube. _

**Momo:** “Let’s see, checking the monitor… perimeters are being exceeded…”

_ Adrian is sitting down with a cooler, about to take a shot of illegally taken beer. _

**Adrian:** “I’m not much of a computer dude, bro. What’s going on?”

**Momo:** “This thing right here? This baby of mine right here is going to EXPLODE from overloading!”

_ Water is splattering everywhere, and sparks are spraying all over the floor. _

**Kanekawa:** “Hey, uh… is this safe?”

**Momo:** “If it was, I wouldn’t even be using it!”

_ Nikku is shaking. Her electrical cord is scrunched up. _

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “W-Wait, Nikku! It’s just a computer!”

**Nikku:**

_ Nikku doesn’t listen. She lunges towards Momo and pins her to the ground, right below the overloading computer before it explodes. _

**Momo:** “No, Nikku-Dono, Yamete!”

**Uchukaze:** “Stop…!”

_ Uchukaze then tries to scare Nikku off using her Theremin, with Teza still on there. It doesn’t work, it only makes her more spookier. _

**Uchukaze:** “Aw man…”

_ The computer explodes, and scorches Momo’s skin and Nikku’s plastic shell. _

**Momo:** “OH DANG THE FLAMES WERE WEAK BUT IT STILL HURTS!”

_ Adrian over there is already smashed after 3 shots. _

**Adrian:** “D-Dude, hic, here you go, take some w-water”

*Splash*

**Momo:** “THAT’S NOT WATER THAT’S ALCOHOL! SWEET CHEESE AND RICE, THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU!”

_ As Momo is stopping, dropping, and rolling, I was suddenly caught off guard by Sairento pulling me back from the group and into a private conversation full of whispering. _

**Sairento:** “Hey, Kanekawa-San. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

**Kanekawa:** “I’m about to be threatened by a serial killer?”

**Sairento:** “I appreciate the compliment, but no. I believe that the door they’re trying to break into is most definitely the mastermind’s lair. If a small explosion couldn’t blow it up, perhaps we could try a different method of catching the mastermind…”

**Momo:** “MAYBE IF I THROW SOME LIQUID NITROGEN ON IT, IT’LL STOP!”

**Uchukaze:** “H-Hacchan…! Here’s one of your fire blankets…!”

_ Sairento looks annoyed. _

**Sairento:** “...Maybe instead of trying to break in there, we could find a way to catch the mastermind walking in?”

_ Oh, Wait a second. _

**Kanekawa:** “Wait, How can you be so sure that they haven’t been staking it out inside?”

**Sairento:** “Look at the door knob, sir. It’s not barred up or blocked at all, it’s completely unmodified. Meaning the mastermind has to go inside here from time to time. Which would mean the mastermind… is one of us.”

_ W-Woah! He’s so intuitive! _

**Kanekawa:** “For a mass murderer, you’re very skilled at this.”

**Sairento:** “I honestly have no idea what you expected. Now, meet me later on the roof, I have a master plan!”

**Kanekawa:** “U-Uh. Okay?”

**Sairento:** “Yes… This plan will show off my prestige and power… Hahaha….”

_ Sairento walks backwards. His arms bend, but outwards and menacingly. His whole demeanor is menacing. _

**Sairento:** “Hehehe…. HAHAHA- W-Woah, oh no!”

_ And now he’s about to almost fall off the building and onto the concrete ground outside, empty for miles outside. That’s a long drop, uh oh! _

**Sairento:** “I’m going to fall! Somebody help me!”

_ Yoshi takes out her revolver and shoots Sairento in the ankle. He trips but grabs onto the ledge. _

**Sairento:** “THAT IS NOT HELPING!”

**Rakku:** “Yoshi!”

**Yoshi:** “Whaaaaat, I’m doing a favor.”

**Rakku:** “But then you’ll get put on trial!”

**Yoshi:** “Shit, you’re right. One of you dickbags, help me pull him up.”

**Sairento:** “WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

**Yoshi:** “You murder people, pal.”

**Sairento:** “AAAAAAAGH.”

**???:** “Don’t worry! For I am here!”

**Kusubishi:** “Ah, Now who could that be?”

**Satoumi:** “Oh gee, I wonder.”

**Adrian:** “Duuuude is that *hic* you, Mr. Armstrong?”

_ Monokuma in a blue suddenly flew up from below Sairento, grabbing him, and treating his bullet wound! Woah, how did he fly like that? _

**Maekaa:** “I-It’s like a superhero…”

**Monokuma:** “Yup! And as a superhero and public figure, I say to you kids…”

**Monokuma:** “Do Drugs!”

_...Hey, What? _

**Sutori:** “Ah, So that’s what it is, hm?”

_ Monokuma throws the cape off and puts on a trenchcoat. He opens it up, and reveals a load of needles, syringes, and pills. _

**Monokuma:** “That’s right! The motive for this time is Drugs! Literal actual drugs! Heroin, Crack, Steroids, Morphine, all of that! Any drug you can think of!”

**Maekaa:** “U-Uh… Aren’t those all dangerous…?”

**Monokuma:** “Agh, Fine, You can get weed too!”

**Maekaa:** “I mean, I appreciate it… But I don’t think that’s th-”

_ Momo pushes Maekaa aside, and Adrian’s too drunk in that dress to really do anything about it. _

**Momo:** “Hell yeah! Illegal drugs!”

**Adrian:** *hic* “Y-Yeah!”

**Nikku:**

**Maekaa:** “N-No! It’s not really that cool! You’re really willing to murder someone for some illegal drugs?”

**Momo:** “...Well, I mean. It’s tempting…”

_ Uchukaze has a really mad and puffy face. _

**Momo:** “...I’ll just  _ consider  _ it.”

_ Monokuma laughs. _

**Monokuma:** “Upupupupupu! Illegal? So close minded! Have some imagination here!”

**Yoshi:** “...Hm.”

_ Sutori pushes up their glasses. _

**Sutori** : “So your choice of motive for us to commit a crime are consumption of drugs and goods? How quaint. It’s a little bit of a shoddy motive, but considering some of us here, that won’t be a problem. I’ll advise for all of you here to watch out, someone may definitely die.”

_ Yoshi shoots her gun, prompting Sutori to dodge. _

**Yoshi:** “Yeah, might be you, ya’ know?!”

**Sutori:** “Hmph.”

_ Adrian is already barfing his insides on the side of the roof. Satoumi makes sure he isn’t gonna fall over and die in his own bile pile. _

**Satoumi:** “Well, I don’t know what the hell you guys are gonna do. Go do your drugs if you want, I’ll just hang out with the boys.”

**Adrian:** “I…. Hurf…. Heard that…”

**Satoumi:** “...Heard what?”

**Adrian:** *Throws up*

**Kanekawa:** “Hm…”

_ I eventually went back to my dorm. That was not a motive I was expecting to hear about. Drugs? Like, the kind you see on those after school specials that the dog in the sunglasses tells you not to do? The one that Captain L*u *lbano tells you not to do, or else you’ll go to hell? Is anyone here really willing to go for it? Who would kill for such a- _

**Sairento:** “Excuse me? Sir?”

_ Oh, Sairento’s knocking at my door. I open the door for him and he starts conversing with me. _

**Sairento:** “Alright, Kanekawa-San. You agreed to help me, and you’ll come to help me.”

**Kanekawa:** “Huh? Okay.”

**Sairento:** “Good. I brought some other people who agreed to help.”

_ Out from behind popped out the three girls. Momo, Uchukaze, and Teza all wave. Momo’s  Uchukaze’s wave is made with the spock signal accompanied with the sound of a theremin. Wow, she’s really committed. Teza doesn’t say much, as usual. She grips tightly on her tetherball pole. _

**Momo:** “U-Uh. Hey!”

**Uchukaze:** “Greetings…”

**Teza:** “...What’s up, Piss drinker?”

**Kanekawa:** “Oh, Hello! I’m surprised to see you wanting to help out Sairento, considering…”

**Momo:** “Ehhhhh. He seems pathetic enough to hang out with. To be honest, I’m kinda sketchy on his… claims on being a serial killer.”

**Uchukaze:** “Agreed… Chances of it being 35%...”

_ Sairento sulks a little. _

**Sairento:** “...Quite. Anyways, I also brought another person.”

_ Sutori pops up behind him and pushes their glasses up again. _

**Sutori:** “The serial bellboy here told me everything. From general intuition, I believe you aren’t up to speed so I’ll fill you in. The plan here is to use a rope trap near the roof’s door to get the mastermind’s ankle. Chikara Teza will pull the rope when that happens, and then Hanako Momo will go in and beat them using one of her wrenches. Me, Yuuro Sairento and you will pull off a Good Cop, Bad Cop, and a Neutral Cop interrogation style.”

**Kanekawa:** “What does Uchukaze-San do?”

**Sutori:** “...She insisted that she use the theremin for atmospheric effects.”

**Uchukaze:** “As an alien, I know how to work this thing. It freaks people out.”

_ Uchukaze raises her hand and plays a small tune. _

**Momo:** “How does Yuufo do it?! THERE’S NOTHING THERE!”

**Sairento:** “This plan may sound simple… but trust me….”

_ Sairento chuckles. _

**Sairento:** “It’ll work.”

**Teza:** “...Edgelord.”

_ We all walk off and take the elevator to the roof. When we get up there, we happened to come across the boys and Maekaa, Leftside having already recovered. They seem to be standing around a huge lantern, and Adrian seems to be crying. Must be from his hangover, with that dress and all. _

**Adrian:** “I-I don’t know wh-what’s going on with me, br-bro!”

**Maekaa:** “He’s been… They’ve been thinking about this for a while now.”

**Adrian:** “I don’t know what’s happening, like??? I-I keep wearing this dress? And I can just change out of it anytime but I just, don’t want to! In fact, it feels perfect! But like, I’m not just a bro! I’m THE Ultimate Bro, Bro! I-I just??? I’m having all these, weird thoughts about myself and I just don’t know, man!”

_ Satoumi sips their can of soda. They don’t seem to be too worried but they try their best. _

**Satoumi:** “That certainly does seem like an identity crisis.”

**Leftside:** “Jeh.”

**Maekaa:** “By this point, I think it’s more than that…”

_ Leftside brashly puts his hand on Adrian’s shoulder. He seems sympathetic. Sairento does the same to me, except he doesn’t seem sympathetic at all. He’s that calming kind of scary, the one where everything looks so normal that it’s unsettling. _

**Sairento:** “Hey, Kanekawa-San? Get ready to stake out.”

**Kanekawa:** “Oh, Uh, Sure.”

**Sutori:** “As a film director, I often have patience with these situations. Getting that perfect moment for shitty films is a skill of mine, and I expect the mastermind to come in anytime soon.”

**Momo:** “Heck yeah! We catch them and we’ll be out of here in no time!”

_ We all hide behind some conveniently placed cardboard boxes and potted fern, which for some reason perfectly hides our shape. We started waiting. And waiting. And waiting... _

_ … _

_ … _

_... _

_ An hour passed. The boys and Maekaa still seem to be conversing with each other about something. Something about the importance of who they are and comforting Adrian, who has puffy eyes. He seems to have cried a lot. _

_ The crew I’m with are extremely tired. It’s late, and Uchukaze seems to have fell asleep on Momo’s lap. Sutori’s just lying there in a t pose, as quiet as the night wind. Teza fell asleep with her arms crossed and her legs crossed too. _

**Momo:** “You know….” *Yawn* “...If we pulled things off correctly… We could get off this roof and run out of here…”

_ Sairento has the most wrinkly and dry eyes, but he still looks determined. _

**Sairento:** “Oh… But then where would we go… The airport is hundreds of miles long… We seem to be in the middle of nowhere… We don’t exactly have a geographic map…”

**Momo:** “Guh… I hate it when you serial killers are right…”

_ Momo pets Uchukaze’s head, who reciprocates in her sleeps with pillow talk. _

**Uchukaze:** “Hnn… Yes… Serve your alien leader….” *Snores*

**Momo:** “Hehe.”

_ Sairento jerks forwards, but in a way that makes it clear that he’s extremely tired. _

**Sairento:** “Hey, ma’am…. How come you aren’t scared of me…?”

_ That’s… actually kind of a good point. He’s a serial killer, right? Why isn’t she scared of him? I mean, earlier she told me he doesn’t seem that harmful, but… _

**Momo:** “Well… Truth be told. Are you even a serial killer?”

_ Huh? _

**Sairento:** “Are you saying you don’t believe me…?”

**Momo:** “Well, it’s just… That stunt you pulled back there with the wallet… You were trying to get all of us killed, including yourself… And you even asked if you were an ambiguously morally grey character. That’s something people in a self aware crackfic would say, you know what I mean?”

**Sairento:** “...You’re very perceptive, Momo-san.”

**Momo:** “Hah. So you admit it…?”

_ Sairento yawns. _

**Sairento:** “Yeah… What’re you gonna do? Expose me in front of the others? No one would believe you.”

**Momo:** “...”

_ Momo just stares at Sairento for a few seconds. _

**Sairento:** “...Shit. Okay, Jeez.”

**Momo:** “I just want to ask… Why you doing this to yourself?”

**Sairento:** “...Like you’d care.”

**Momo:** “Oh, come on.”

**Sairento:** “I don’t think the mastermind’s even coming… Let’s just sleep….”

**Momo:** “Had it not been for this adorable alien on my lap, I’d would’ve come over there and hit ya on the head with this wrench I have.”

**Sairento:** “I think…” *Yawn* “That’s a bit excessive for a computer… Don’t you think…?”

**Momo:** “Push it past the limits, bellboy… Past the limits….”

_...I guess Sairento isn’t actually a serial killer. Hm…  _

**Momo:** “So… What about you, Piss drinker…? Why’re you here?”

_...A-Ah. _

**Kanekawa:** “O-Oh, you’re talking to me. Uh… Sairento wanted me here, for some reason.”

**Momo:** “No, No, I mean… Why did you get accepted into our school…?”

**Kanekawa:** “O-Oh… Sorry, I’m not good at conversation.”

**Momo:** “Aaaah, I’ve noticed. Don’t worry ‘bout it. But seriously, what’s with the piss drinking? Why is that your talent?”

**Kanekawa:** “I… Nobody’s really asked me that before.”

**Momo:** “I’m really tired.”

**Kanekawa:** “Well… I guess it all started when I was young. I didn’t have many friends, and uh, funny story. I tried to impress people by drinking my own pee. It didn’t earn me any friends, and I constantly got bullied over it. It’s kind of silly. But, I was young so I decided to try and do it again. I was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that I just did it again. And again. And over and over until I started doing all sorts of tricks. I don’t know why, I just… I loved it. I loved the smell, the taste, the everything. I felt like it was gross at first, but… I just eventually liked to drink my own piss.”

**Momo:** “...Wow, gross.”

**Kanekawa:** “It… Didn’t make me very popular in hindsight.”

**Momo:** “Do you… seriously enjoy it?”

**Kanekawa:** “Yes, actually!”

**Momo:** “But… You hated the taste. You just conditioned yourself to love it, and is that really okay?”

**Kanekawa:** “I…”

_ I’ve… never thought about it before. Huh. Why  _ _ do _ _ I drink piss? To enjoy it? That can’t be right… I’ve told myself that I love it so many times, but… Why am I drinking it if it hurts me? _

_...I guess… _

**Kanekawa:** “I guess…”

**Kanekawa:** “I guess I just wanted someone to recognize my talent. I mean, I already got this far due to some shit I did as a kid, so… uh… Momo-San?”

_ Momo has fallen asleep. I guess she couldn’t take it, huh? _

_... _

_ … _

_ … _

_... _

_...Oh, I seem to have fell asleep. According to the watch I had on my wrist, It’s 11:46. Three hours have passed. Everybody seems to have passed out, including the boys. I check on the others. Huh, Sairento and the girls are there, snoozing. Sutori’s perfectly silent and breathing still. Momo’s tied the rope to Uchukaze’s theremin, must be because she got bored of waiting. _

**Kanekawa:** “Huh…”

_ I stuck my foot in the trap. In all honesty, I don’t know if it’d work. It’s just a lasso that Momo was supposed to pull when the mastermind comes throug- _

_ *Crash!* _

**Kanekawa:** “?!”

_ What the hell?! Did the section of the roof that’s a glass window just burst?! _

_ *Crash!* _

_ *Shatter!* _

**Kanekawa:** “What the?!”

_ I decided to look at the ceilings and- _

**Kanekawa:** “Ack!”

_ My ankle… It’s bleeding?! My ankle is bleeding, something just struck my ankle! And… Huh? My leg seems to have accidentally got caught in the rope. I wanna try to remove it, but… this pain… This…. _

_ I tripped. _

_ I’m dangling on a rope, way above the debris created by Leftside and Teza. Thank god, the rope was still connected to Uchukaze’s theremin! Which has wheels. The wheels in question being on it’s legs. Oh god, the theremin is moving towards me. I’m weighing it down. If I’m not careful, I will fall! _

**Kanekawa:** “It’s a good thing I don’t have to pee right now…”

_ I try pulling on the rope. I’m climbing back up towards the roof. It takes a few minutes, But I’m almost there! If I can just move up a bit more with this final tug… _

_ … _

_ With that final tug, I saw it. The theremin. I pulled, and without realizing what was about to happen, the Theremin fell onto me. No, It’s not just falling onto me. I’m falling. I’m falling towards the rigid and broken floor of the airport…! I don’t… I... Is... _

_...Is… _

_...Is this it…? _

**Kanekawa:** “I… I wanted to save all of us…”

**Kanekawa:** “I’m just a simple piss drinker. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but… That’s a pretty gross talent. People hated looking at me from the day I discovered it. I… I was cursed with this talent. It’s just… Why? Why is it my skill? It ruined my chance for real friendships… ruined my parent’s respect for me…”

**Kanekawa:** “And I just, kept trying to do things with my piss… I thought if I just acted like myself, I could attract people… But is this really myself…?”

**Kanekawa:** “This isn’t like when someone does something just because they’re obligated to… It’s like… I thought I was totally into piss because it was just some weird thing I did as a kid that defined who I was… I think the word was ‘Typecast...?’...I guess…”

**Kanekawa:** “...”

**Kanekawa:** “I thought…”

**Kanekawa:** “I thought I could do something special and not be worthless for once…”

**Kanekawa:** “I thought I could… Save everybody… and get them to love me…”

**Kanekawa:** “...I guess that’s over…”

_...I gulp. _

_ I wish I could have a drink right now. _

_ Something that wasn’t my own pee. _

**_*BOOM!*_ **

_... _

**Kanekawa:** “Agh… I… Ugh….”

_ I cough up a bit of blood. Oof. My ribcage and back feels extremely squishy right now. I think I’m dying. No, I am dying… _

_ I… _

_...Sweet lord, please… Let me be in heaven. With lots of pure water and soda. Milkshakes and smoothies. Maybe even cough syrup. Just please, give me something good to drink…. _

…

…

. . .

. . . 

.   .   .

.          .          .

 

_.  .      . _

_.   .   . _

_. .  . _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

 

_ I was not prepared for these next few hours. _

_ Things were getting more scrambled than scrambled eggs itself. But I never expected that things would somehow get more worse. I never expected these next set of events would take me to where I am now. I’m a huge fool for not expecting it to, for I was simply blinded. _

_ … _

_ It started this morning. I woke up from my dorm, and got ready. Put on the whole dress, took my pills, and went out. When I took the elevator, I saw the crowd standing around like they just unveiled the brand new automobile. They were horrified at the sight. The gal, Momo, was standing there holding Uchukaze as she always did when they were scared. Adrian looks just as confused as anybody would be, in that oddly cute dress of his, with Maekaa crying again. _

_ And then there’s... Letto.  _

_ She’s.. leaning on the wall, clutching that pretty head of hers and trying her best not to go back to her previous coping method. I want to comfort her, but I needed to check out what happened here. I waltz up to the scene, and I see the poor bastard Kanekawa. Glass shards are everywhere around him, and he’s crushed by that Uchukaze’s theremin. The look on his face? Sad. It’s like he was crying. Something about seeing a dead person’s face, spirits absolutely crushed like that is just… bad.  _

_ His legs were crossed. It’s like, crossed to the point where I’m sure he would be crushing his jewels. I don’t know why but, something tells me he looked determined to do so. One thing was for certain. _

 

_ It’s ultimately clear now that the Ultimate Piss Drinker, Ryou Kanekawa, has been found dead on the airport floor. His body twisted and crushed in such a state that would be enough to make a grown man with moustaches and muscles cry. _

 

_ For someone in my profession, I should be used to this. _

_ That someone being me. _

**_Ultimate Private Eye._ **

**_Rai Rakku._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you see what i did at the beginning there
> 
> fall into a whole new world of trouble
> 
> hehehehehehehhe wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
> 
> Name - Ryou Kanekawa  
> Talent - Ultimate Piss Drinker  
> Height - 5'2"  
> Birth Date - ♒ February 5  
> Likes - Piss, Smell of Piss, Taste of Piss, John Madden Football for the SNES released in 1990  
> Dislikes - Scat


	8. DRSM Chapter 02 - This past despair-filled week, I've known you. And yet... Part 2 - Deadly Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've killed off Kanekawa, I can stop using "The Protagonist" to be vague! Rai Rakku, the Ultimate Private Eye finds herself in a predicament, but due to story flow and set ups for plot twists, we don't really know too much about her situation! Will she solve the murder? Will she find the killer? Will she fuck Yoshi? At least one of those questions will be answered now.
> 
> Trigger Warnings in Beginning notes, Potential spoilers.
> 
> This work aims to make fun of the entire Dangan Ronpa Series, NOT to make fun of Fangans. It's called Spite and Misery because that's all DR ever makes me feel nowadays. Also, the story is being improvised and made up as I go along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy !!! sorry this didn't come as soon, school started up again and i'm still working on the VN so sorry if the chapters don't come out as soon as you'd like them to
> 
> [Potential Chapter Spoilers]
> 
> TW Mildly Sexual Situation

_We’ve been in this twisted game for a week now, and there has somehow already been two murders. As a detective, I should have expected this would have happened. Humans aren’t exactly the smartest beings on earth, so I don’t see why I thought they’d be the sanest. I just didn’t really expect it‘d be this morbid. I mean, with any normal hostage killing each other situation, I’d expect there’d be just someone with a knife stab or a gunshot. Regular ways to murder someone, and not murders that happened in sequential and coincidental events fit for a puzzle adventure crime fiction game._

_Which is why when I woke up, I didn’t see the shitstorm ahead coming. My whole life, My peace and quiet after the events of this week? They were all nicked away from me. Not because of the killing game, I’m already used to events like these. It’s what happened that broke my spirit. Surprisingly took two different murders to get here, but…_

_This was a personal experience. A miserable one…_

 

 **Rakku:** “Grrk…. Ugh, I think I got me some acid reflux…. Hm?”

_It all started off in my bed. The AC was a little too cold for my liking, having slept without blankets or clothing. Well, maybe clothing is a bit too broad. I was wearing my undershirt, tie, and boxers. Using context, I figure that they were in the process of being pulled off by a nearby hand with some nice red nails._

_She appeared to have fallen asleep already, which is alright. Last night really took the energy outta me for any sort of morning sex. After moving her mitt, I started picking up my clothes and putting them on. That’s when she woke up from the lack of something hot in her hand, sitting laidback and wearing nothing with her gams and feet dangling off the bed. It’s a bit hard to notice, but right beneath her, um, soft rack, you can see some of her rib bones._

_Letto flashes her teeth and yawns, like a dog would._

**Yoshi:** “Aaaaagh…. So howsit, Fuzz Hon? You enjoy that?”

 **Rakku:** “...”

_Last night was more enjoyable than a trip to the 3 dollar admission carnival, but I still can’t really shake off that one moment..._

**Rakku:** “...You alright after all that, pal?”

_I look back to see Letto groaning and stretching on her bed. She’s doing it, still naked and lying on her back. Damn that woman... At this hour?_

**Yoshi:** “Gaaaah, fuck that! Look, I’m alright, aight? I’m over it now, feelin’ better and all that. And what did I tell ya’ about that ‘pal’ thing?”

 **Rakku:** “R-Right, p-, uh. Letto-san.”

_Letto pushes herself off the bed and scratches her bosom. She’s still groaning._

**Yoshi:** “Come on, ya’ gumshoe! Why you gotta be so stiff?”

 **Rakku:** “W-Well… S-Sorry Letto, I just-”

_Now she started to waltz over and put her hand on my-_

_Oh._

**Yoshi:** “Well, I guess you’re stiff in more ways than one, huh?”

 **Rakku:** “UH.”

_God dammit fuck fuck fuck i just put my foot in my sock i didn’t even stick my leg in my pants now she’s got me by the literal girldick oh god why am i so gay jesus christ on a toddler bike_

**Rakku:** “I????”

 **Yoshi:** “For a cop, you sure are cute when you’re all riled up like this.”

_Letto flashes a grin and oh my god she’s pressing up against me and it’s pushing me against the door. I’m so glad I have to pull this open to get out of here._

_*Knock Knock Knock*_

**Yoshi:** “Oh, let’s answer that! Maybe they’ll enjoy the view?”

_JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST SHE HATES THE PEOPLE HERE AND YET SHE’S GETTING CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT_

**Rakku:** “LORD GOMENASORRY FOR THESE SINS I AM COMMITTING”

_*Creak*_

**Yoshi:** “Aaaaaaaaaaaand- Oh. It’s just _you._ ”

_Hanging and being carried by Letto, with my face right below her chest (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA), I look forward to see… uuuuuuuuuugh._

**Rakku:** *Groans* “Hey, Pal…”

_Sairento. That stupid serial killer bellboy._

**Sairento:** “Greetings, Ma’ams! You’re both having a lovely morning, I see.”

*Click*

_Letto doesn’t even say anything, she just grabs her gun, to which by this point I’ve stopped questioning where she keeps it on herself, and tries to shoot Sairento with it. Nothing fired._

**Yoshi:** “Tch…”

_Letto sticks me back on the ground, standing. She covers her chest with one arm and covers her crotch with her gun. She’s not even bashful, she’s just grossed out. Disgusted that some punk boy saw her naked. How can a fellow lesbian like me disagree with her?_

**Yoshi:** “You killed her boner, make it quick. The fuck do ya want?”

_I cough after hearing that statement. Sairento adjusts his gloves and bellboy hat, with that stupid calming aura of his, and his shit eating grin._

**Sairento:** “Well, since your erotic mood has already been killed, I doubt this news would affect much. There’s been a second murder.”

_…!_

_A… A Second murder? That doesn’t make sense! We were just…!_

_Wait, Letto, is she…?_

**Yoshi:** “...Peh.”

_...Letto’s taking this surprisingly well. She just scoffs, puts her hand with her gun on her hip. She does a hair flip, and it’s still really sexy. Jeez._

**Sairento:** “Maybe it’s best if the both of you went to see it for yourselves?”

 **Yoshi:** “Whatever, I’m just gonna fuckin’ storm up there and see what happened.”

 **Rakku:** “A-Ah. Letto, your clothes…”

_Letto’s trying to storm off with nothing but her gun, more naked than an octopus arm without it’s takoyaki dough._

**Yoshi:** “Oh shut it, copper. I’m too tired to do that.”

 **Rakku:** “B-But that’s indecent!”

_She’s turning around._

**Yoshi:** “Oh, so when the big tittied nudist does it, it’s just what she does, huh?!”

 **Rakku:** “W-Well! I don’t wanna be awkwardly aroused investigating a murder scene, pal!”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

_…_

**Yoshi:** “...You want me to calm down your-”

 **Rakku:** “Just get back inside.”

_After getting her and myself covered with my suit, trying to make sure she doesn’t shoot Sairento in the neck, getting my notebook and pen, and taking my HRT pills, we took the elevator and went up to see what all the commotion is about. When Sairento held the door open for us, we walked out and saw the scene. The girls were trying to comfort each other, Nikku’s heating up some noodles for the boys. Kusubishi’s just putting her hands on Maekaa’s and Adrian’s shoulders. Sutori’s…_

**Sutori:** “Hmph…”

_...just pushing up their glasses and looking at us. No, behind us._

**Sairento:** “...”

_Sairento walked out of the elevator, and his expression changed from that stupid smile of his to discomfort. What’s up with him? He’s usually an asshole._

**Monokuma:** “Oh, that poor piss drinker! May he RIP in Piss!”

_Underneath the rubble from the fight yesterday comes out the bastard robot himself, Monokuma. The sick son of a bitch, being controlled by someone more vomit-inducing than high school standard lunches. I can’t seem to get them to come out of hiding, no matter what I try. Bargaining, Threatening, it’d all just end up in them trying to kill me. The best I can do is wait for something that can lead me to them._

**Maekaa:** “You… Do we have to find the killer again…?”

_Maekaa moves Kusubishi’s hand aside and sobs a little. Adrian gets defensive towards that bear._

**Adrian:** “Just… get it over with already, dude…”

 **Monokuma:** “Now, I shouldn’t have to go through the whole spiel again, do I ya Ayumu Aikawa bastard? Investigations, Class Trials, Yadda Yadda Yadda. However, This time I can distribute the Monokuma File! I totally didn’t just forget about it the last time, shut up.”

_My E-Handbook™ made a slight vibration. Pulling it out of my tacky police vest, I turned it on and got the notes in. An anime styled sprite of Kanekawa showed up with the words “DEAD” in pink ink-styled lettering stamped on it. Trivial information showed up next to it. Huh, he doesn’t like Scat. And he also liked John Madden football? Leftside winced at the sight of that one._

**Leftside:** “Feh… Not my football...”

_There was additional information about Kanekawa’s death. “The victim’s name is Ryou Kanekawa. His body had been discovered in the debris site from the fight between Leftside and Teza. He appears to have died at 12:08 AM. His bones have been shattered and crushed, especially the rib area. He’s suffered a small, open wounded injury on one of his ankles.”_

_I almost went ahead to observe the body when I realized that Letto’s clutching her head and leaning on the wall. Her finger is twitching… I walked up to her, hoping to comfort._

**Rakku:** “H-Hey… Letto-San?”

_Letto grinds her teeth a little, scratching the side of her head._

**Yoshi:** “I told you… to fuckin’ drop the honorifics…”

 **Rakku:** ”I’m sorry, just…”

_She stomps her foot._

**Yoshi:** “You know what happened last night! You were there! What if this all happened because of me?! What if it happened because of you?!”

 **Rakku:** “Hey, hey.”

_Grabbing her by the shoulders, I pull her closer._

**Rakku:** “Look, listen. I’m certain that it’s not because of you _or_ me, okay? It had to have been someone else.”

 **Yoshi:** “Ah…”

_Her tense shoulders loosen up slowly. She stares at me blankly, but I can tell for sure there’s more emotions in there than a children’s book teaching about basic human social cues._

**Rakku:** “It’s going to be okay, alright? We’re gonna figure this out, because now I’m here.”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

_Letto rubs her eye a little._

**Yoshi:** “Thanks…..”

_We walk over together to Kanekawa’s body. There’s blood spilled and pooling on the rubble everywhere. His chest crushed into shape by a broken theremin, tied to his ankle with… that wound. That stupidly shaped wound. Oh futz… There’s gotta be a better explanation for this, there’s gotta be._

_If that cavity is what I think it is, it’s going to fuck me up real bad…_

**Rakku:** “Alright, pal… What’s under here…?”

_I lift up his legs to see… glass shards. I look up to see the poor man’s real crime scene, signs of cracks and see through impacts. So it was up there, on the roof…. Must’ve fell down and-_

**Yoshi:** “Hey, His dead body’s pissing himself.”

 **Rakku:** “Wha-?! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.”

_Aaaaaaaand not only is there blood all over the floor but now there’s post mortem piss. Moving his leg must’ve released the pressure. Being a freelancing detective gives me the most grueling jobs, huh…_

_After changing out a few shoes, I decided I was pissed enough to start doing another one of my specialties. Going up to people and interrogating them for answers in a very stiff, but easy to navigate manner for people to see. That way, in case this is a video game then I get to be as accurate as possible. Walking around the crime area, I start to pick out who to talk to..._

_I guess I’ll start with those girls again… Hanako Momo, Yuufo Uchukaze, and Chikara Teza. Those three so far have always been getting involved in more shenanigans than one of those fast talkers on the telly. Buncha damn kids kept trying to win me over in their goals for cute girls, and I am definitely flattered. But…_

**Yoshi:** “Hey, you’re zoning out.”

 **Rakku:** “Huh...? Oh, yeah. Let’s talk to those high school interest trope girls. They probably know something.”

_Waltzing up and pulling out my notebook, Momo and Uchukaze stop comforting each other through cuddling. Teza’s still squatting on the ground as she glares at everyone and almost reaches for her tether pole again._

**Rakku:** “Hey, Hey, Hey. I ain’t gonna hurt you.”

 **Yoshi:** “I, on the other hand-”

 **Rakku:** “ _We_ ain’t gonna hurt you.”

_Yoshi makes a “Tch” noise._

**Teza:** “...Hm.”

_Momo, sitting on a bench with Uchukaze, nod at each other. She gets up and walks nervously over, twiddling with her fingers._

**Momo:** “O-Oh… Hey Officer.”

 **Rakku:** “I’m a detective.”

 **Momo:** “R-Right…”

 **Uchukaze:** “...”

_Uchukaze stares at me for a bit, laying down on the bench and stretching. She looks a little bored and empty without her theremin._

**Uchukaze:** “Hm….”

_Momo sighs._

**Momo** : “Look, I’m sorry… This is a very scary situation. You gotta understand, right?”

 **Rakku:** “Yeah… I get what you’re going through, pal. But as a detective, it’s my duty to figure out what’s going on as efficiently as a factory worker in the 20s.”

 **Momo:** “...Wait, weren’t they- Agh, whatever. Okay, well… What made you came to us?”

_Pulling out my notebook and pen, I begin putting my technique into effect._

**Rakku:** “Explain the theremin.”

 **Momo:** “Oh, yeah… See, We were roped up in that weirdo bellboy’s antics?”

_That sneaky bastard again..._

**Momo:** “We wanted to see what that door on the roof was, and see if the mastermind would’ve just, walked to it in the middle of the night.”

 **Rakku:** “Wait, what were you planning to do?”

 **Momo:** “Eh?”

 **Rakku:** “We don’t know just how powerful the mastermind is, pal. What, were you planning to just, jump them?”

_Momo puts a hand on her temple._

**Momo:** “Well… It wasn’t really my idea…”

_Hmmm… She doesn’t seem to be acting weird in any way. I don’t really have a reason to doubt her. I guess she’s telling the truth._

**Rakku:** “Right, Well I’ll go see that lift attendant then, pal.”

 **Momo:** “Alright… Have fun with that girlfriend of yours, alright?”

 **Rakku:** “Huh?!”

_That really caught me more off guard than a baseball umpire on codeine. Yoshi, who wasn’t really paying much attention, suddenly shot her head to the side._

**Rakku:** “W-Wait a minute pal, Girlfr-?!”

 **Yoshi:** “We’re not dating.”

_Yoshi, with a distant look in her eyes, said those words in a very cold tone…_

**Momo:** “Ah, sorry!”

 **Rakku:** “...”

_Oh… Yeah… Forgot about that… Yoshi doesn’t want us dating each other… We’re just, fucking, I guess? We like to hang out, I suppose…? It’s complicated.Yoshi starts walking off._

**Yoshi:** “Come on, Rai. Let’s find that asshole.”

_…Yeah. Whatever makes her comfortable… We’re just… friends, after all…_

**Yoshi:** “Hey, Fuzz. Hell’s going on up there?”

 **Rakku:** “...You’re… not comfortable with us… outright dating, right?”

_She tilts her head._

**Yoshi:** “Yeah?”

 **Rakku:** “Didn’t we like, you know…?”

 **Yoshi:** “Fuck? I mean, yeah. People fuck each other regardless of relationship status all the time. You’re single, you don’t have anyone to cheat on.”

 **Rakku:** “...Hm.”

_Along the way to find Sairento, we find the boys. Or, I guess those group of idiots as we’ll call them now. Considering there’s only like, 2 boys. Kusubishi’s there too. I approach Maekaa, eating some sort of sandwich with her lover, Adrian. No, wait, it’s a pastry dish. It’s like a sandwich, but the bread is, spongecake? They’re supposed to be finding evidence, but… I honestly can’t blame them for being so incompetent at investigating._

**Kusubishi:** “Ah, Hello Rakku-san!  <3”

_Also, that nudist is going to fucking curse my girldick and kill me._

**Satoumi:** “Sup.”

 **Adrian:** “What’s up, Rakku dude?”

 **Leftside:** “Tch.”

 **Maekaa:** “H-Hey, Rakku-Senpai.”

_Time to pull out my notebook again…”_

**Rakku:** “So, Maekaa-San. You and your little boyfriend involved in anything?”

 **Adrian:** “...Huh?”

 **Maekaa:** “...O-Oh? Oh, you mean Adrian…”

 **Adrian:** “...”

_Leftside’s helmet is tough to see inside, but I could tell he’s raising an eyebrow at him. Satoumi just looks at Adrian while Kusubishi sips her soda._

**Rakku:** “Yeah…? Look, where were you guys at the time of the murder?”

 **Maekaa:** “W-Well… We were just on the roof drinking some beer as an underaged group of young adults, y’know…?”

 **Satoumi:** “It was more of a ‘Adrian is fucking drunk and we’re not’ kind of party.”

 **Rakku:** “You know, I could potentially arrest Adrian for that.”

 **Adrian:** “Yeah, dude… I guess you can...”

_...What’s up with this guy? He’s usually more enthusiastic than a sea sponge at the vibrator store._

**Adrian:** “Look bro, all I did was drink shots up there. We didn’t do anything, honest… I don’t wanna think about last night, alright dude…?”

 **Rakku:** “Hm…”

_He’s… hiding something from me… I can’t really present any evidence, though. Better use her._

**Rakku:** “Yoshi?”

 **Yoshi:** “On it.”

 **Adrian:** “Wh- Huh?!”

 **Maekaa:** “A-Adrian!”

 **Kusubishi:** “Oh dear, that’s like… the 4th time this week?”

_Yoshi grabs Adrian by the head and puts her gun to his head. Everybody’s too shocked to really do anything._

**Satoumi:** “Hey, Left. Do something.”

 **Leftside:** “I’m… sleepy from eating.”

 **Satoumi:** “Fuck. Kusubishi?”

 **Kusubishi:** “I was born screaming and naked, and I don’t wanna die the same way!”

_Adrian is freaking out._

**Adrian:** “Dude! Don’t fucking shoot me, bro! We didn’t do anything, honest!”

_I slam the table. Their food jumps up a little as Adrian flails his arms._

**Rakku:** “What are you hiding from us, pal?!”

 **Adrian:** “N-Nothing! I swear on my life, bro!”

_Yoshi pushes down harder._

**Yoshi:** “This gun’s loaded with one shot, but you’d be surprised at how often a 1 out of 6 chance happens, bitch!”

 **Adrian:** “Alright! Alright, I’ll talk! Look, Last night, I found out I was a girl, alright?!”

_...What the fuck?_

**Rakku:** “We freaked out over a goddamn eggmode break?”

 **Maekaa:** “W-we wanted to make sure we were ready, but…”

_Yoshi lost her grip on Adrian, who’s standing up and pissed as hell._

**Adrian:** “Aaaagh, fuck it. I’m too pissed off to even keep it in, bro. Yeah, look, I’m a girl now, okay dude?”

 **Rakku:** “Uh… Sorry, pal….”

_Satoumi makes a shooing motion with their hand._

**Satoumi:** “Hey, Leave her alone. You got what you wanted.”

 **Rakku:** “S-Sorry, Pal…”

_Better hope that E-Handbook gets updated. There’s not much the two of us could do by that point except for walking away awkwardly..._

_...Still thinking about what Yoshi said, earlier…_

**Rakku:** “So, about that dating thing…”

_Yoshi sighs._

**Yoshi:** “Jeez, Are you still on that…? Look, just… I can’t, okay? Can’t we discuss this later when we’re not like… under pressure…?”

 **Rakku:** “I mean, I-”

 **Yoshi:** “We had a whole thing last night about this… Don’t fuckin’ press me, Rai.”

 **Rakku:** “...Sorry, I just- FUCK.”

_Agh, shit! I tripped… over…_

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “Y-You…”

_Nikku. Agh, fuck, it’s her. She just… bewilders me the most. A fucking microwave, that’s what she is. She makes me more confused than a white man video game personality playing a queer visual novel. Kind of a dick move to make me trip... I’m gonna give her the rough treatment._

**Rakku:** “Alright, you discount priced piece of junk! You better tell me anything you saw last night, or Imma give you a box job!”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “Oh, you better start flapping that appliance door of yours, and start using those button tones! Who offed the piss drinker?!”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “So… You claim you don’t know anything, huh? Say hello to my friend! She’s not a bad cop, she’s just bad!”

 **Yoshi:** “You got that right, and I- JESUS FUCKIN’ CHRIST”

 **Rakku:** “Musky Manhattan Mohaskas!”

_The camera pans to Nikku (Wait, Camera? Pan?) and right next to Nikku… is a SHOTGUN. That’s a bigger step up from the knife! Me and Yoshi hold our hands up and back away. Yoshi’s still got her gun in her hand, but you could tell she was too scared to use it._

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “Okay, wait, we have our-”

*BANG* BANG*

 **Yoshi:** “What the fuck?!”

_Holy shit, she just shot the guns out of our hands! The bullets didn’t even hit our flesh! She’s using a shotgun, how is that even possible?!_

**Rakku:** “Okay, Okay! Look, we believe you, alright?! You’ve made your point clear!”

**Nikku:**

**Yoshi:** “She’s not putting the damn gun down!”

 **Rakku:** “Look, pal! What the hell do you want?!”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “...Huh?”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “No, no, no. Go back, Go back. What did you mean by that?”

**Nikku:**

**Yoshi:** “Rai? The fuck she’s talkin’ about?”

 **Rakku:** “I-I don’t know? Can’t you like, elaborate or anything?”

**Nikku:**

**Rakku:** “Okay, Okay… Let’s just back up, don’t shoot each other, and discuss any differences later… That dapper with you, pal?”

**Nikku:**

_...Did we seriously just have a stand off with a microwave?_

_We both backed up slowly, and we slowly picked up our guns and put them away in our pockets. Nikku just stored her gun back and went off on her way. She’s hiding something from us. For a microwave, she’s simply too powerful for us to interrogate._

**Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “Oh, you don’t seem too upset this time. That’s nice, You’re doing better!”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “O-Oh, right… Uh… Can I help with any-”

 **Yoshi:** “There he is.”

 **Rakku:** “Huh? Hey!”

_Walking over a few yards across is that bastard, Sairento!_

**Sairento:** “Shit!”

_Within a second, the bellboy started running faster than an alt-right politician surrounded by minorities with their bare fists._

**Rakku:** “After him!”

 **Yoshi:** “Right!”

_Both of us started taking off, running through the mall like madmen. We jumped over tables, we crashed through windows, we-_

**Teza:** “Agh!”

 **Momo:** “What are you guys doing?!”

_Accidentally ran over some people._

_Because we’re two people, we were able to corner the fucker, shivering in his sweat-stained boots. We held our guns to his chest and he held his high. The guns being the arms and uhhhhh it’s clever because guns are also arms and we have guns and ah fuck i ruined it._

**Rakku:** “Alright, pal! You better tell us what you know about the piss drinker’s death!”

 **Yoshi:** “If ya don’t talk, I’ll tell you that I actually loaded the gun with 6 bullets this time!”

 **Rakku:** “Oh, you did? I’m proud of you!”

 **Yoshi:** “Tch, whatever.”

 **Sairento:** “...Hehehe.”

_Sairento put his hands down, looked down at the ground, and chuckled in a very grim manner._

**Sairento:** “Do you truly believe you’ve got me backed up against the wall…?”

_What. What the hell is he doing now._

**Rakku:** “Uh. We’ve literally got you backed up, yeah.”

 **Sairento:** “But do you _truly_ think you do?”

_Letto stomps her foot._

**Yoshi:** “Just get to the part where you embarrass yourself!”

_Sairento arches his back backwards, and laughs maniacally with his hands out and pointed to the floor._

**Sairento:** “You see! I have gathered the knowledge, the skillsets, the integrate workings of special techniques! I can end you in a millisecond! No, a nanosecond! No! An Attosecond! I can move faster than light, and crush your feet and bones with a deadly american roundhouse kick! Perfected by an all-mighty martial arts god!”

 **Rakku:** “Uhh…. When did this person become a god, exactly?”

 **Sairento:** “2008.”

 **Rakku:** “God damn it.”

_Sairento’s crouching. He’s awfully excited for this… Should’ve expected it from a supposed serial killer. Starting to really question that statement._

**Sairento:** “Say goodnight!”

_Sairento runs in and assumes the position._

**Sairento:** “Haaaaa-! A-Ah!”

_Aaaaaand he trips._

**Sairento:** “U-Um. Hold on, Ma’am. Let me try again. HAAAAA!”

_He puts more effort into it, but ends up losing his form and posture._

**Sairento:** “Ah... Give me a minute, please?”

_We gave him five. He’s seriously trying to do this right now?_

**Sairento:** “HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

_And he lands it. The kick feels like a fucking feather. He literally tried everything he could to hit my shoulder and pound me into the ground, and this is the payoff. His shoes aren’t even that hard-hitting. At best, it probably made my arm a little uncomfortable._

**Sairento:** “Ah, uh. Let me just, retrieve my leg.”

_Sairento’s trying to move his foot from my shoulder, but everytime he tries to, he just starts losing his balance._

**Sairento:** “Uhhh… Could you possibly-?”

 **Yoshi:** *Fwap.*

 **Sairento:** “Woah!”

_Letto just slaps his shoe off of my arm and he falls on his backside. He takes a minute to catch his breath against and gets back up, still assuming the same ‘Scary’ and ‘Totally threatening’ stance he always has._

**Sairento:** “Hehehe…. I see that didn’t work on you…. Then prepare for my next attack! I learned this one from an all-mighty martial arts god, one who killed the previous one!”

 **Yoshi:** “You know, that explains why your last attack fuckin’ sucked.”

 **Sairento:** “Take… this!”

_Sairento…. Slowly…. Slowly, but surely…. Moves his hand towards my chest, his hand formed into a vertically aligned paper. What, is he trying to chop my hormone induced boob in half?_

**Sairento:** “With this technique… I can send you flying across the room with just one inch! Hyah!”

*Pomf.*

Not even a fucking shove. 

**Sairento:** “Uh…. O-Okay! Hold on, I probably just need a wea-”

*Bang!*

 **Yoshi:** “Tch.”

 **Sairento:** “Oh my god, please!”

_You know, Letto attempting shooting his leg this time is actually kind of justifiable? Good thing she missed._

**Sairento:** “Alright, Now you’ve made me mad… I…!”

_All of a sudden, something slid behind Sairento!_

**Sairento:** “Huh?!”

 **Sutori: “** **覚悟はよいか！ 一瞬千撃”**

**Sairento:** **“なんだと?!”**

_I am ignoring the fact that we apparently have not been speaking Japanese this whole time, and instead notice how the lights went out for a few seconds. Flashes of lights went in and out, and the room turned back on, revealing the indigo filmmaking fuck standing with his back to me and their ass to the bellboy. All I could see afterwards was the impact Sutori had on Sairento, and how he’s on the ground barely conscious._

**Rakku:** “Wait, where the hell did you manage to do that?”

 **Sutori:** “Hmmm, you see, I needed a way to defend myself. So I chose the one that I’ve decided was the most flashiest and the most practical. However, it must be simultaneously the least deadliest and the most brutal. I need this kind of thing for comedic effect.”

 **Yoshi:** “What the fuck are you saying.”

 **Sutori:** “Hmph. In a simpleton’s terms, I did it because it was ‘fucking funny’ to those witnessing it.”

_...I honestly can’t argue with that. Neither can Sairento, being picked up by Sutori by the shirt and slapped awake._

**Sutori:** “Speak.”

 **Sairento:** “Nngghhh… Fine… I-”

*Ding dong! Ding dong!*

 **Monokuma:** “Alright, Alright! I’m gettin’ bored!”

_That monitor turned on, revealing the robot bear again. He appears to me in a pilot’s outfit, drinking from a martini glass in the cockpit. Somehow, Monokuma made me feel even more anxious to be riding on his plane._

**Monokuma:** “Everybody, investigation time is up! Your flight will be taking off soon, so please go to the terminal and board, thank you!”

_Motherfucker… Saved by the bell, huh? Or, saved by the murderous robot bear. Huh._

**Sutori:** “Hm.”

_Sutori drops Sairento back on the ground and pushes their glasses up._

**Yoshi:** “Don’t think this gets you off the hook, dickbag.”

_Letto squats over Sairento, her eyes as empty as her gun chambers but piercing as her bullet. Her words as dripping with danger as blood._

**Yoshi:** “You think this is all just some game to you? You’re lucky we can’t murder you right here.”

_She stands up, flips her hair, and walks off to the terminal. Sutori picks up Sairento again and walks off to the plane too. I… I guess I’m just here? I should get going._

 

_…_

 

_We’re all gathered up onto the terminal. Everybody’s just usual selves for whenever something like this happens._

**Momo:** “Guys, I’m telling you, We’re…”

_Momo seems to grip onto Uchukaze’s hand tighter. She then grabs onto Teza’s arm too._

**Momo:** “I’m sure none of us killed anyone. It’s gotta be… a peaceful accident.”

 **Teza:** “...Peaceful? Peaceful as you can get with your bones being crushed by the theremin.”

 **Momo:** “...I guess?”

 **Uchukaze:** “...I miss it.”

 **Teza:** “Besides, for all we know, it could be that femme frat house man over there, yeah? Yeah.”

_Adrian, hugging Maekaa with one hand, turns his head._

**Adrian:** “Oh, yeah, I’m a girl now.”

 **Teza:** “Oh, really?”

 **Maekaa:** “Yeah, she wants you to use She/Her now.”

_Kusubishi swings in with a winky face and a peace sign._

**Kusubishi:** “Make sure you welcome her with open arms!~  <3”

_Don’t pay attention to what’s swaying over there._

**Teza:** “...Nice.”

 **Momo:** “Welcome to the frikkin’ club, sister.”

_Satoumi, with Leftside on their shoulder, questions the nudist._

**Satoumi:** “So… You’re really committing to it, huh?”

 **Kusubishi:** “Gotta make the most out of it, yeah?”

 **Leftside:** “Can respect that.”

_Monokuma, once again, appears and talks out of his ass._

**Monokuma:** “Oh, man! This sure is quite the murder, huh? A poor kid, all he wanted to do we drink pee!”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh? What’s wrong, ya eggplant? You’re too paralyzed to say anything?”

 **Rakku:** “...Nothing.”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh! Come on! Where’s that snark? Where’s the heroic speech? Where’s the whole thing about standing up to despair and how hope will always prevail?!”

_Letto steps forward._

**Yoshi** : “She doesn’t have to explain shit.”

 **Monokuma:** “Oooooh! Still spicy as ever!”

 **Yoshi:** “What the fuck did you just-”

 **Rakku:** “Just get on the plane, Letto.”

_She turns towards me in confusion._

**Yoshi:** “Eh?!”

 **Monokuma:** “Oh, Submission! I like your attitude.”

 **Rakku:** “Let’s just get this over with, pal.”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

_Letto sighs._

**Yoshi:** “Tch.”

_We all boarded the plane, and waited for the takeoff. The seats are still grouped in threes. Satoumi, Leftside, and Adrian are all sitting in the same seat. However, Maekaa came in after the flight took off and decided to try to sit on Adrian’s lap. Not only is she and Adrian really flustered, but she’s trying to put the seatbelt on for safety purposes._

_This, of course, was Kusubishi’s idea. She’s sitting with Nikku and Sutori. They seem to be watching an in flight movie, It might be one of Sutori’s movies. Wow, It’s “Cup of Water 2: It’s water.” Praised by critics for it’s abstract depiction of capitalism and world hunger. Despite being so badly made, it’s gotten $60 million at box office._

_The girls are sitting together, of course. They couldn’t have made room for Sairento, who’s sitting alone like a fucking loser._

_Me and Letto are sitting together in the same column. It’s, a little awkward. We don’t really talk much. Heck, We don’t talk much in general. This time, it’s felt really off._

**Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “...”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

_Adjusting my tie, I try to strike up a conversation. I really, really, REALLY enjoy her time. I would want to at least distract myself with something pure and amazing._

**Rakku:** “H-Hey, Letto, P- Uh. Letto.”

 **Yoshi:** “...Yeah, what?”

 **Rakku:** “Do you… want a drink? Maybe a juice?”

 **Yoshi:** “...What, like. One of those off brand watery organic products they call juice? One of the ones you get on a… Yeah, airplane? Like this one?”

 **Rakku:** “...Y-Yeah.”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

_Why is this always so hard to get through… She’s always been a tough one, but… I want to put up with her._

**Yoshi:** “Aren’t you worried about it?”

 **Rakku:** “Ah…?”

_Oh…_

**Yoshi:** “Aren’t you… fucked and scared right now?”

_She looks so… vulnerable._

**Yoshi:** “I get you’re a detective and you’re trained for this sort of thing… But, what the fuck? Just… Can’t you feel some sort of fear? Aren’t you the least bit of worried what will happen here? You say to find the culprit, but...”

 **Rakku:** “...I do.”

 **Yoshi:** “...”

 **Rakku:** “I… I’m really worried, and scared, and anxious… But, I gotta get through it, you know? I just, need to find the one who did ‘em in. I feel fucking miserable, but I need to find out what happened. Even if it means through spite.”

 **Yoshi:** “...I know I’m in a glass house when I say this shit, but… That doesn’t fuckin sound healthy.”

 **Rakku:** “Hm.... Well, Just… Letto, remember that we can find out who did it. We can figure this out together, and we’re gonna get out of this fine. More fine than the graphite pencil of the century. Both of us, remember that.”

 **Yoshi:** “...Alright. I trust you. I trust _only_ you.”

 **Rakku:** “...”

...

_We land safely this time, thank god, and walk out. We come across the familiar class trial room, and take our stands._

**Monokuma:** “Upupupu… Something tells me this is gonna be a _verrry_ interesting class trial for some of you! Let’s get this started!”

_Geh… I can’t believe we have to find out who the killer for the piss drinker is… That piss drinker being Kanekawa..._

_…_

_Ryou Kanekawa… He was a pretty misguided kid. He was fucking weird as hell and uncomfortable as fuck. I’m sure somewhere in another life, he learnt how to be more of a better person. One more alright at being a capable human being. And one of us..._

 

_One of us killed him._

 

_We’re about to open up the curtain… The curtain of despair… One that leads to a trial._

_I take my stand, and the class trial starts to begin. Right now, we are going to find out who is the blackened… In just a few moments, we'll find them._

 

_Whether it’d be for Justice, or for Fun._

 

_For Love or for Hate._

 

_For Spite or for Misery._

 

_We will find out who they are._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's an updated list of survivors, excluding the ones who died
> 
>  
> 
> Rai Rakku - Ultimate Private Eye (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Yuuro Sairento - Ultimate Lift Attendant (Age 17, He/Him)
> 
> Touinki Maekaa - Ultimate Spongecake Baker (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Letto Yoshi - Ultimate Russian Roulette Player (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Adrian Blum - Ultimate Bro(?) ( Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Shabonsu Satoumi - Ultimate Soda Drinker (Age 18, They/Them)
> 
> Effie Kusubishi - Ultimate Nudist (Age 18, She/Her)
> 
> Panna Nikku - Ultimate Microwave (Age Microwave, She/Her)
> 
> Hanako Momo - Ultimate Computer Overclocker (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Yuufo Uchukaze - Ultimate Theremin Player (Age 16, She/Her)
> 
> Chikara Teza - Ultimate Tetherball Player (Age 17, She/Her)
> 
> Jack "Leftside" Tubsman - Ultimate Foosball Player (Age 18, He/Him)
> 
> Fuiru Sutori - Ultimate Bad Film Maker (Age 17, They/Them)


End file.
